In My Veins, And I Cannot Get You
by JesterChester
Summary: One night Brittany tells Santana to count the stars, that same night she tells her to count them forever. Their journey is a struggle, it's relentless and full of regret, but it isn't impossible. Brittana AU
1. Count the Stars

**A/N:** **This is my first Brittana fic, constructive criticism is welcome. Thank you for reading and I hope it's good enough to even consider continuing.**

**Song Suggestion: "**_**In My Veins**_**" by Andrew Belle **

_~Was insanity just a matter of dropping the act?~_

I'd dropped the act a long time ago. I dropped the act when I started understanding what it meant to live in my own skin. I was disgusted and frightened, and I lived every single moment of my existence feeling that way. But at least I wasn't lying to myself. At least I knew exactly what I was.

I tried to push it all away. Join in on the laughs, sit in the back of a truck and knock over mailboxes while a greasy jock drove through our middle school parking lot screaming about how great it was to be alive. I smoked weed under the bleachers, I broke arm my hopping a fence, and no one ever told me how I was supposed to feel. I tried pushing it all away, again. Trust me I tried.

But I was so unbelievable that I was embarrassed and I knew everyone could see right through me. Every single time I spoke I was lying, up the point where the truth didn't even register to me. I forgot my name, I tried forgetting how to breathe. And this was all before 10th grade. They moved me to this place, some kind of psychiatric hospital, it was only for a few months over the summer, I think that's the place that really broke me.

Drugs. They gave me drugs, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why. I thought people went to places like that to stop using drugs not start.

I just remember the therapist there, he had these beady eyes and mustache that was reddish brown, and every time we talked he tried to convince me that I'd been raped. I told him that I wasn't, he said I was showing signs of intense trauma, I got to fed up that I picked up my chair and flung it across the room. I thought it was funny at the time, he didn't, and I still don't even know if I was raped or not.

I put it all behind me on the first day of school. Everyone was smiling so I didn't, and when Quinn explained to me that Brittany would be back today I grew impatient. Her plane had gotten stuck in Texas so she'd be here by lunch, or so Quinn claimed. Quinn was always lying though, so I tried not to take anything she said at face value.

"She's so lucky she spent the summer in Jamaica, seriously I would kill to spend a day there. The sun would do me some good." Quinn said as she leaned on her desk. She was chewing on her pencil, some weird oral fixation that she developed since she'd smoked her first cigarette back in April. She liked smoking I was addicted to it. "She Skyped me like everyday, you should ask her about some of her stories. Ask her about the golf cart that one's good." I looked at Quinn and smiled, she seemed really excited to have Brittany back.

_She never even asked me about my summer_, I thought to myself.

"Was she afraid of flying?" I questioned quietly because Quinn couldn't have known about Brittany's fear of flying. Some things were off limits with Quinn, Brittany's fears was one of those things. Quinn had trouble keeping certain things to herself and Brittany didn't want anyone or everyone giving her a hard time about it. "I mean, a lot of people are." I added diverting my gaze to the floor where my notebook had just fallen. I had no idea how it's fallen, and I had no intention of picking it up.

"I dunno, I guess you can ask her all those questions when she gets here. Twenty bucks says she'll forget her lunch money." Quinn said holding out her hand for me to shake. Quinn was probably right but I didn't want to put Brittany down, even in her absence, so I shook on it. There goes my money for dinner on Friday and Saturday, I guess I could just find something in the house while my parents are gone. "Where did you go this summer? Monte Carlo? Rome?" It only took her till today to ask. My parents went to Venice, I was locked in a hospital learning how to play the piano with a girl who occasionally would try to light herself on fire.

But I guess Quinn didn't have to know that.

"Nowhere." I mumbled as the teacher walked into the room. Mr. Morgan, he was new, transferred from a school in Western Kentucky and so the rumors were spreading around. Courtney Marshall said that he moved to be with his mother who was dying of lung cancer. Bailey Forte said that he had an affair with a student and he was asked to leave behind closed doors, that story was more interesting so that's what everyone went with. I overheard Quinn say that she wouldn't mind if he had an affair with her, everyone laughed, and I smiled thinking about how her whole family would imploded, and how Quinn would never be the same.

"That's lame." Quinn said with a shrug. She nudged me when Rachel Berry walked in, she was late, that wasn't something she normally did. I couldn't hear what she said to Mr. Morgan but he nodded in understanding and Rachel rush to sit in the desk behind me. "I take it back, she's lame." Quinn said looking directly over my shoulder at Rachel. I didn't look back for fear of my empathy taking over me. I didn't want to be in charge of apologizing for majority of the student population.

"So, we have a required curriculum, but we also have some leeway. I'm interested in hearing your ideas. Name books that you've always been curious about-."

"50 Shades of Grey!" Puck shouted from his spot in the back of the room. Most of the girls were too afraid to laugh, but all of the guys were bending at the waists and trying to contain their laughter. I thought it was amusing, not funny enough to laugh about though.

"I'll keep that idea in the back of my mind." Mr. Morgan said. He dug around in his desk for a moment before pulling out a piece of chalk. He walked up to the board and wrote 50 Shades of Grey in this unmistakably scribbled and organized handwriting. The whole back of the class was hooting and hollering to the point where Mr. Morgan even broke out laughing. He covered his mouth and puffed out his cheeks for a moment with a charming smile after. "Okay, okay calm down. I need more suggestions. If someone walks in here and this is all I have written on the board then I'm going to get fired." For once I actually liked a teacher for being themselves. I looked around, a few hands flew into the air. Soon there were so many suggestions that he had to tell people to wait so he could write them all down. The choices ranged from _To Kill a Mockingbird_ to _Twilight_, and just as classes was about to end, I did something I've never done. I raised my hand.

"Yep." Mr. Morgan said giving me a point and a nod. The room grew silent, like I was going to say something miraculous. I cleared my throat and looked at Quinn before speaking.

"_A Clockwork Orange_." No one said anything, no one gave me a second nomination, but Mr. Morgan did look at me for a solid 15 seconds before a smile spread across his face.

"Wow, how'd you hear about that book?" He asked as he leaned against his desk. I shrugged because I could hardly say that my roommate in the asylum ranted about it nonstop like it was some kind of bible.

"What's it about?" Rachel asked curiously. I opened my mouth, like I had any idea what to say. I didn't so I closed my mouth again.

"It's just very dark and compelling." Mr. Morgan said giving me a warm smile.

"That's so Santana, you have no idea." Quinn said loudly enough for everyone to hear, before the bell rang. I gathered my things, Quinn waited for me so we could go to her locker. I always kept my backpack with me throughout the day so I just waited as she put her stuff up. I could see Finn's eyes devouring Quinn as she reached on her tip-toes to grab her wallet. She pulled out three dollars and then put her wallet back. "You know what's weird? I worked out like twice a week all through August plus cheer practice and I lost 8 pounds." We walked into the lunchroom, Quinn got her salad and I got a sandwich and we headed outside.

I didn't mind sitting with all the cheerleaders and jocks, they were entertaining and loud and it helped me drown out my own thoughts. "Is that healthy?" I asked Quinn who was eyeing the back of her ranch packet and shrugging.

"Hmmm I don't-." She stopped mid-sentence and screamed jumping out of her seat and rushing over towards the steps. I looked over and watched half the squad run over too, it was Brittany. She was back and smiling, and I didn't have to chase over there and wrap my arms around her body to know that.

They talked throughout lunch, all of them in this circle, every girl tell Brittany how their summer was, Brittany explaining hers. I didn't watch for much longer, I left my sandwich at the table and left heading to the library.

I set my backpack down under a study table and went to the fiction section. I sought out all the books we'd talked about in class. I made sure they were all there so I could come back once a week and get a new one just in case. "Oh come on." I spun around and I was face to face with Brittany. Her eyes lit up, her sun kissed skin made her look like a surfer or a girl from California. Her smile was exactly how it was on the day she left Lima to go on vacation. She'd just eaten a starburst, I could taste it in the air. "I tried to wait for you to pull back a book, you know like in the movies when someone's on the other side?" I nodded because I understood exactly what she meant. I nodded because I couldn't speak right now and I wanted her to continue. "I saw you outside, you didn't wait for me." Now it was my turn to say something, I wrapped my arms around her body instead of saying anything.

She was warm, and she nuzzled her nose against my ear, I felt her smile spread and she pulled back, using one of her hands to brush my hair away from my face. "You got taller." She proclaimed with a beaming smile.

"No...uh, no way I grew." I said pulling back from her and looking down at the ground. "How was Jamaica?" I asked her, she shook her head and laughed it off.

"Some things I can't explain with words, you know? And it was amazing, but it wasn't Ohio. Two different things, you know?" I noticed that she'd grown her hair out even more, and that the scrape on her elbow that she had from falling at the YMCA pool had long since faded away. I was thankful that nothing else faded. "I hope I'm not in trouble with the squad though." She said sheepishly, like she'd broken something that she couldn't fix.

"You're not." I said trying to catch my words before they got away from me. "Quinn says you're the best dancer on the squad...and she said that Sue was upset, but she's not going to punish you." I explained wondering why the squad hadn't told her that when they were surrounding her and asking about her summer. Speaking about cheerleading only made me feel more like an outsider than I already did.

"Thank God." Brittany said with a sigh of relief. "But I have stupid practice after school. So can I come over after? So we can catch up." She asked with a hopeful glint in her eyes. I couldn't believe there was an ounce of her being that ever questioned whether or not I would say yes. I nodded and smiled again, it would be fun, just the two of us. "Cool, do you want me to bring anything over? We had gummy worms left over from the Dallas airport." She said.

"Yeah bring them. I'll be out back when you come over." I told her, giving her a heads up. Somehow she managed to lead me over to my backpack without me even noticing. I picked it up and swung it over my shoulder. "See you tonight."

+0+

This is what 5th grade boys do to demonstrate how strong they are. This is how I broke my arm the 4th and 5th time, but something kept pushing me to do it. Climbing my tree in my backyard made me feel like a heroine or a spider. Whichever it was, it didn't make me feel human. And I love it. I pulled my body up one more branch and swung my legs over before grabbing the one above my head.

I pulled myself up and hung there, dangling my feet, kicking against the atmosphere every few moments. I hung there just to prove to myself that I could. My arms were burning, and I felt my fingers slipping, but I held on, and safely landed on the branch below me, with only a few moments of panicking before I was completely balanced.

"Hey, Georgina of the jungle, want to join me down here?" I looked down and grinned when I saw Brittany heading over towards me waving a bag of gummy worms in her hands. I climbed down quickly and met her on the grass. She handed me the gummy worms but I could still see a bag in her other hand. We walked over and both got comfortable on my hammock. "You didn't say it." She said with a worried expression, I finished chewing my third gummy worm and then poked her in the side.

"Come on I haven't said that in like 4 years." I told her. She stared at me blankly for a second before leaning her head back down.

"Well I liked when you used to say it, it was funny. _Hammock Time_ will never be the same now." I didn't realize that Brittany could be so melodramatic, and now I felt bad for not saying that ridiculous phrase that I thought I'd retired forever. "I asked Quinn what you did this summer." She started, our shoulders were touching and I found myself wanting to move away, or at least sit up so I could breathe.

"I didn't do anything." I said quietly.

"Yeah." Brittany said as she reached into the bag of gummies, taking out a couple for herself. "That's what she told me."

"You don't believe her?" I questioned.

"No, I don't believe you." She reiterated.

"That's the same-."

"No it's not." Brittany cut me off before I could continue. "Anyway, I got you souvenirs from Jamaica. Check this out." She pulled a book out of the bag. "This is a poetry book...I asked around, this guy in this weird bookstore told me Michelle Cliff was supposed to be good. I didn't know if you'd like it, but maybe you will." I took the book and smiled, it was the perfect gift, something only someone I knew well would get for me.

"Thank you." I breathed out. I didn't want to open the book just yet because I was afraid I would get sucked in, and I was supposed to be talking to Brittany not staring at the pages. "You really didn't have to."

"I wanted to." She said happily. "Plus it was my parents money and they let me get whatever I wanted." She explained right before reaching down and pulling out slim case. She opened it and showed me a necklace that was inside.

"Britt-."

"Here sit up." She said tapping my shoulder. I did as I was told and she put the necklace on for me. I looked down at the tiny anchor that hung at the end. It was cold against my chest, but it was beautiful. "Do you like it?" She asked after I'd looked at the necklace for about three minutes.

"I love it." I told her. I laid back down and so did she. I looked up at the stars, it was a nice night for stargazing, even if this was the suburbs of Ohio. Everything was sharp when I looked up at the sky.

"I miss you." She said without even looking at me. I think we were both sort of in a trance at this point. I didn't really want to acknowledge what she'd said. I didn't even understand what she meant. She acted like I'd left, she's the one who took the plane to get away. Was I supposed to say something back? Or were we just going to let her words hang in the air forever? "Did you miss me?"

"Yeah, of course I missed you." I responded fumbling with every word as it came out. "It was a long summer without you." That came out cleanly and I was no longer embarrassed by the sound of my voice for a moment.

"I don't understand why you do that." She said with a sigh. "I mean you speak to me, sometimes you speak to Quinn...but with everyone else...nothing."

"Talking is hard sometimes." I said simply.

"When I was walking back here I saw some of your things in the garage, some stuff still in suitcases...Santana?" Every time she gently ran her fingers over my knuckles it was an invitation to look at her. I didn't take her up on it once. "Where did you go this summer?" I didn't respond, I didn't think I ever would. "Count the stars." She told me.

"What?" I asked her.

"Every night when you're about to go to bed I want you to count the stars." She explained.

"There's are a billion stars Britt, that'll take-."

"Forever." She finished for me. "I know, so you'll never have a reason to stop. You'll just have to keep counting forever."

**A/N: So should I continue? I really hope you guys liked it but I really won't know unless you tell me. **


	2. Liars

**A/N: Thank you all for the reviews/favorites/follows, it means a ton. Sorry about the title change, but there's another Brittana Fic with the previous title and I didn't want to mess with that author's creativity. For some strange reason this was in the QuinnxSantana section not Brittana, I apologize, but I guess the website did something weird. Anyhow enjoy.**

**Song Suggestion: "**_**Slow Burn Treason" **_**by Holly Miranda.**

_~Wake up and you're next to nothing, but the weight of the world is on your side. Most days you don't even notice, but that's a lie~_

The first time Quinn lied to me was when we were in 9th grade. She told me that it was okay if I went to the dance with her group for Homecoming and even though the last place I wanted to be was wrapped up in a dress, wearing heels and makeup, I still went because I thought it would be okay if I did. It wasn't okay, it so wasn't okay, and I spent most of the time sipping Sprite in the corner while Quinn let James, her date, get to second base with her on the dance floor, and he was a junior, I knew he was using her. I told her that he was slim, that she shouldn't waste her time with him, she said she liked him, and that was the second time she lied that night. Twice in one day, it was like my world was flipping upside down.

The first time my parents lied to me? And not in that toddler Santa Claus way? When they told me that everything was going to be alright. Or maybe it was when they said that everyone has their path, everyone has their own ambition. It could've been when they told me that I was still a kid and I had to follow their rules, because I wasn't a child, that ship had sailed, and I sure as hell didn't have to follow anyone's rules.

As for Brittany? She doesn't lie to me, she hadn't...she wouldn't. I told her ages ago that she should just tell me the truth, about everything, even if she was going to hurt me. "What is it supposed to feel like?" I asked Brittany who was giggling next to me. We were seated in my room, with this weird sea salt exfoliating scrub that her mom had bought her on her last day in Jamaica. We were scrubbing our hands with it over a bowl that we'd taken from my kitchen.

"Weird." Brittany said. "But I swear afterwards your hands will be so soft." I continued scrubbing for as long as Brittany did. My hands did feel weird, but they smelled like coconut and vanilla, and I really liked that. After another five minutes Brittany and I both looked up at one another realizing at the same time that we should've done this at separate times. Now both our hands were covered in sea salt, and neither one of us could grab the pitcher of water without making a mess. "Shoot!" Brittany said scrunching up her nose.

"Um...come on." I said keeping my hands still, holding them away from my clothes while I uncrossed my legs and managed to climb up to my feet. Brittany did the same and we scurried off into my bathroom. It didn't matter if we got the knob wet because I could just dry it off.

"Hey San?" Brittany ask as we were cleaning off our hands.

"Yeah?" I replied absentmindedly feeling the salt rinse off my hands to reveal my new and very smooth hands underneath.

"Why don't you do cheerleading with Quinn and I?" It was never really something we discussed. I didn't even know what I was supposed to tell her. That I was afraid of parading my body in front of all those people? Because I was terrified of being dropped from one of those pyramids? That I could never walk through the hallways with a sense of entitlement, because I didn't feel like I deserved anything. "San?" I dried my hands and looked at her again. "It could be fun, we could go to Disney World in the spring, we'd spend Saturday mornings together..." What was she trying to do? Get me to admit that I was too ashamed and too afraid to ever even think about trying it. It felt like a guilt trip, and the worst part was I couldn't get upset with her, because she had no idea that she was doing that. "Don't you want to?"

"What time did Quinn say she was coming over?" I asked Brittany who looked confused for a moment before the frown took over her face. She understood that I was trying to change the subject, I knew it really bothered her when I did that, but I had no idea what I was suppose to say.

"Like an hour." Brittany said before reaching out and grabbing my hands. She ran the pads of her fingertips against my knuckles, in between the grooves, before she intertwined our hands. She looked up at me and smiled. "They're so soft." I tried to think about anything except for how warm Brittany's hands were and how cold mine must have felt. "When Quinn comes over don't tell her about the scrub, she'll get super jealous that I let you try and not her." She let go of my hands and we returned to my room. Brittany cleaned up the scrub and told me she was going to put the bowl up.

I didn't realize I'd made a mess of my shirt so while Brittany was gone I grabbed a t-shirt and pulled off my old one. "How is that even possible?" I spun around covering my body with the t-shirt while Brittany walked in without a second of hesitation. I tugged on the shirt quickly and sat down on my bed. "I'm sorry." I think she realized that she'd startled me because she came over and rubbed my back gently before resting her chin on my shoulder. "You just have a really nice body, when do you work out?" She asked curiously.

"In the morning." I told her.

"What time?" I could see the gears turning in her head. I usually got to school at around 7:45 and she was trying to figure out what time I worked out.

"Around 5:15ish I guess." I told her. Her eyes widened and she smacked my arm. "Ow!"

"Sorry, you're just crazy for waking up that early." She laughed and went over to my laptop. Opening up my iTunes account and playing the first song that came up. "So my mom came home yesterday blabbering on about how Izzy has been feeding this racoon in our backyard." Brittany started. I laughed.

"A racoon? Doesn't she know it's gonna keep coming back to your house?" Izzy was Brittany's younger sister, she was 11 and one of the only pre-teens I've ever liked. She's sweet, and she plays video games with me sometimes. She even made a big show about giving me these five posters for my birthday last year. Brittany sometimes got annoyed with her, but I'd always thought she was pretty lucky to have a sister in the first place.

"Trust me she knows, I caught her trying to let it in the house yesterday and I almost croaked right there on the spot." Brittany said as she hopped up on my bed and began jumping up and down.

"So is your mom mad?" I asked curiously. Brittany's mom was usually pretty chill, she let me stay over there whenever I wanted, and she always got us whatever we wanted to eat. She caught me smoking once and didn't even rat me out. We spent a couple of minutes outside talking, she told me that she had to go grocery shopping and how when she was younger she used to steal from Macy's, she told me things she wasn't supposed to. At some point she asked me for a cigarette and we ended up smoking together, and we never once mentioned it again.

"No, she's getting us a dog!" Brittany said with the brightest smile on her face. Even I was smiling now.

"No way!" I said looking up at Brittany who was nodding her head excitedly.

"No way, what?" Quinn said setting her bag down and climbing up on the bed and jumping just like Brittany was.

"Hi Quinn." I said.

"Hi Q." Brittany said as she bounced around Quinn who was smiling more than she usually would be on Saturday especially since they had morning practice.

"Yes, yes, hello to all. No what were we no waying about?" She questioned.

"Brittany's getting a dog." I told her. Her eyes widened and she squealed with excitement like she was the one getting the pet not Brittany. Although it might as well be us all getting a dog with the amount of time we spent at each other's houses. "Do you know what kind?" I asked.

"No, we haven't talked about it that much. We're going to get the dog next week though. And my dad said that it had to be a boy though, because he feels outnumbered." I laughed at that, Mr. Pierce was the man. Seriously, he drove a Mustang and anytime we had them over for dinner my mother always called him Suave Mike, and even though it was embarrassing I still laughed because it was true. "I love puppies." Brittany said with a laugh before jumping one last time and landing next to me on the bed. "I want you to come with us to pick a puppy." Brittany whispered in my ear so Quinn couldn't hear.

"Okay." I said assuring her that I would go if she wanted me to.

"Good." Brittany said before looking up at Quinn who was jamming out to ABBA. Brittany reached in her pocket and pulled out her phone, using stealth and the fact that Quinn was totally in her own world to get a video of her. Quinn didn't notice until halfway through Mamma Mia and she jumped off the bed and tried to snatch the phone away from Brittany. Brittany put it in her back pocket and Quinn crossed her arms over her chest.

"Delete it or I won't invite you over." Quinn said giving her an early ultimatum. There was no way Brittany was going to give in this early.

"Invite me where?" Brittany questioned.

"Over my house later. Fran's coming home." Brittany and I both lit up at this. Fran rarely visited, it was partially because she went to Washington University but it was also that she spent a lot of her summers and breaks overseas. "And dad's doing the whole barbeque and friends over thing. So if you want to come you're gonna delete that video." I rolled my eyes, we were invited even if Brittany didn't delete the video.

"Stop being a bully." I told Quinn. Brittany didn't respond well to threats, but if they were empty she'd end up going head to head with Quinn and then I'd be stuck in the middle of it. "We'll just keep the video so when you're like 40 we can show you what a weirdo you once were." I told her and she flicked my nose.

"Oh I'll always be weird." She said with a grin. "Okay so come on, let's get dressed." Brittany and I exchanged glances. Quinn was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt, but Brittany and I were clad in skinny jeans and plain shirts. "I meant I was going to get dressed." She reiterated before going over to grab the bag she'd brought with her. She went into the bathroom and closed the door behind her.

Brittany and I were silently waiting for her to come back out but I realized it was going to take too long so I turned to Brittany. "Hey, let me see the video." She pulled out her phone and scrolled through her menu until she found the video file and pressed play. "Oh God...I'm gonna post this on the school website." I joked getting a firm nudge from Brittany. "Hey...wait..." The camera had moved to me without me even noticing it, I was laughing, my eyes looked so alive, more than I'd ever seen. I looked away from her phone and she shut off the video. "Quinn come on-." Brittany put her hand over my mouth and held it there.

"It's okay to be happy sometimes, it doesn't have to scare you." She moved her hand and let it fall to her side. She looked at the bathroom door. "If she comes out looking like a movie star I'm gonna puke." I suppressed my laughter because I could hear the doorknob turning and I didn't want Quinn to badger me about what I was laughing about.

She came out wearing a white sundress with a yellow belt that went around her waist. Well at least she was wearing flats and not heels otherwise even I would have been annoyed with her for outdoing us. "Show off." Brittany mumbled getting a warning glare from Quinn.

"You're one to talk, why do you have to wear such tight skinny jeans? Your legs will probably be the center of attention tonight anyway." Quinn complained as if that was supposed to be a good defense. Brittany looked over at me and motioned for me to stand up. I did.

"Look at San, didn't she grow?" Brittany asked Quinn who eyed me for a solid thirty seconds before a grin spread across her face.

"Whoa, you did. I didn't even notice." Quinn said pulling me over so I could stand back-to-back with her. "I'm 5'6." She told Brittany as we stood there.

"San's taller!" I thought I was still 5'4, I didn't even notice and no one except Brittany even bothered to point it out. "What did you eat all summer?" Brittany joked.

"I dunno." I said. "Let's just go, we don't have to marvel at how I'm suddenly a giant." Brittany looped her arm with mine.

"You're not." Brittany assured me.

"10 bucks says Fran notices that Santana has grown." Quinn said as we exited my room. I looked at Quinn curiously, why would she say that? "She talks about you non stop, last week when she called she asked about you before she asked about me. I swear she's got a crush on you."

"That's not funny, Quinn." I told her seriously.

"I'm not joking." Quinn said with a smile that let me know that she really was. "Okay, but in real life, Frans super excited to see you guys. She said she misses you guys, she even call you her little sisters too."

"Aww!" Brittany exclaimed, as she held onto my arm tighter. Thinking about it that way I was suddenly less excited. I didn't want an older sister, I didn't want another person to look out for me or ask me too many questions.

+0+

Quinn was right; Fran was really excited to see us. She had a bunch of her high school friends over, half of Quinn family was even here, that's why I thought it was so weird when she crept out onto the back porch and sat down next to me. Everyone was inside, in the basement watching soccer and eating chips and pretzels, like one big hoard of college students.

I'd already eaten too much, and I decided I wanted a few moments of quiet, maybe a quick smoke before I went back down. I didn't expect Fran to be out here too. She didn't say anything when she saw the cigarette, and she didn't push it away from my mouth to stop me so I just sat there and smoked while she made me incredibly uncomfortable with her eyes lingering on my hands. "Too loud downstairs?" She asked me.

"Yea, your dad is really...passionate." We both laughed because we'd seen him break a lamp because he'd jumped up far too quickly just an hour ago.

"I didn't know you smoked." She said like she'd already run out of things to say.

"Well I could hardly tell you, you know? You've kind been AWOL for a bit." I exhaled away from her but she grabbed my chin and made me look at her.

"No fair Lopez, don't use it as an excuse. Quinn's visited like 8 times, why didn't you come with?" She asked and suddenly she'd found her voice again, in true Frannie Fabray fashion. I didn't have a true answer for her, but I could throw a few words together and hope for the best.

"I couldn't." That should be enough. People always look for answers, way too many answers, I just wish everyone took everything at face value and left it at that.

"That's such..." She looked at me with her mouth slightly open before closing it and looking away. "Bullshit." She whispered the last part. "Why did you suddenly start closing up when I spoke to you? We used to have great conversations, remember? Then you started treating me like everyone else." I put out my cigarette but held it in my hand. They didn't have an ashtray and I didn't want to litter.

"Because you started taking those fucking psychology classes...and then you weren't really speaking to me anymore." I stood up and started walking around to the front of the house. Fran followed, to the point where she grabbed my arm and forced me to stop.

"I'm speaking to you right now-." She insisted.

"You're not!" I told her. "You're not." I whispered again just to make her feel what I was saying. "You're trying to get into my head."

"Well excuse me for finding you interesting; excuse me for thinking that you're fascinating." I looked at her, just staring, hoping she would just flat out tell me how i was supposed to respond to that. "I'm not trying to figure you out, okay? I just like hearing what you have to say-."

"I don't want to be put into your stupid research project. I'm not an experiment-."

"I know you're not." She said with furrowed eyebrows. "You're no one's experiment, you're no one's project...you're my friend." She said before looking back towards the house. "Come back inside." She pleaded.

"What's going on?" Brittany said as she stepped out of the house and walked down the steps.

"Nothing." I assured her. She looked so worried when there was nothing for her to be worried about. "I'm just going home." I told her. "Um...I'll text you later." I walked off without leaving enough room for either one of them to chase me down. As I was turning onto the sidewalk I could hear Brittany's frustrated sigh. Fran, what did you do? I crossed my arms over my chest and frowned. I didn't need her to fight for me. Fran had changed that was all there was to it. She'd said she wasn't trying to read me, she told me that three years ago, and it was still a lie.

**A/N: Review…please. Just let me know what you think. I'll get another chapter up in the next two days if you do. **


	3. Crush

**A/N: Thank you for the support, you guys are awesome. This is my introduction into the Brittana fanfiction fandom I guess. Enjoy.**

**Song Suggestion: "**_**Little Lion Man"**_** by Mumford and Sons**

_~You're not as brave as you were at the start. Rate yourself and rake yourself, take all the courage you have left wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head~_

I don't know, I never understood how it all began. Partially I did though. I knew everything stop making sense at 14, I knew I stopped playing the drums at 15, and I knew I could never really look back on those days and understand much of anything. Truthfully I didn't really want to understand how it all began, because if I understood the beginning then how the hell would it end?

I didn't hear voices, sometimes I wished I did. That would make everything concrete, then I could go to the doctor and say: yes this is why I'm a lunatic, because there are a million voices going through my mind and I can't make them stop. But I can't hear anything, I can't hear anything except my own stupid thoughts begging me to fix everything.

"Well Fran wanted to say goodbye to you. But I guess she didn't know how to. And seeing as you won't tell me what actually happened then I guess you aren't too worried about it." Quinn said as she tossed a carrot onto my lunch tray. I looked over at Brittany, I wanted to know what she told Fran after I left, but I also didn't. Maybe it was private, maybe Brittany had told Fran that I was just weird, maybe she told her that she was putting up with me, so why couldn't she. That made me cringe.

"No, I'm not worried." I told her. Brittany looked at me and nudged me with her knee under the table. She was smiling, for no reason at all so I started smiling too, for no reason at all. "Do you have dance practice tonight?" I asked Brittany.

"Yeah, it's hip hop tonight." That was Brittany's favorite. I was going to ask her who was driving her and offer to take her myself, but I heard a loud crash. I looked up and saw Rachel Berry on her knees cleaning up her tray. The cheerleaders just looked at her and laughed, I jumped out of my seat and helped her pick up the bits of salad. She was flustered and she didn't look at me once, her face was red and her eyes waters as she stood up and ran out of the room.

She was gone in a flash and I was left there on the ground. I looked over at Brittany she got up and came over to me. "Everything okay?" She asked. "That was really nice of you, helping her out." Yeah it was, I thought, but didn't say anything. I got to my feet and frowned.

"I'm going to check on her." I told Brittany. She nodded and didn't even ask if she could follow. I jogged out of the lunch room and spotted Rachel sitting on a bench in the courtyard. I stopped when I was standing in front of her and when she finally looked up at me. "A-are you okay?" Her lips moved like she was going to smile, but instead she looked down and her shoes and started crying. I didn't think she would cry, especially not in front of me so I sat down at her side and waited for another moment when I could speak. "Here." I held out $2.25 and she looked up at me with furrowed eyebrows.

"No, I don't want your money...no just...kept that." She said before pushing her hair back behind her ear. "I hate these people here." That was just about the truest thing I think anyone's ever said to me. I adored Quinn and Brittany, but there were so many people that I despised at this place.

"I just hate this p-place." I told her with a small smile.

"Do you have a stutter?" I was taken aback, was she serious? You couldn't just ask someone if they had a stutter. Or maybe you could, what did I know?

"I just...don't speak a lot." I explained with a laugh.

"You're nothing like them." She said breaking the deafening silence. She said it like it was a revelation, it wasn't a revelation for me, not in the slightest. "You're quiet and intelligent and...you didn't even laugh at me."

"It wasn't funny." I said and she laughed.

"I know but...you couldn't laughed. You could've pretended it was funny and no one would've questioned it. But now you helped me and people will joke around that you're stooping so low for helping me and...why go through the trouble?" She asked.

"No trouble." I assured her.

"Santana!" I looked up and saw Brittany rushing over and landing on my lap at full force. "Guess what!" She said with a grin.

"What?" I asked with every intention of avoiding the awkwardness with Rachel.

"Puck's throwing a party on Friday night, after the game. We're so going." She said before whispering in my ear. "But only if you want to." I blushed because God I was so not lame enough to turn down a party even if I hated the atmosphere and would probably end up drinking too much. I nodded and Brittany grabbed my hand like she was going to pull me away with her. I stayed put. "Sorry about the whole..." She started with her eyes on Rachel but then she turned back to me. "Santana's super heroic right?"

"Yes she is." Rachel said with a warm smile. "I should get to class." She gave me a small wave before heading down the hallway. I didn't know what I should do, or how I should feel about the quick conversation we'd had. Rachel Berry was not all she was made out to be, she wasn't a diva, or annoying, or a hideous troll, she was nice and utterly misunderstood. She was just like me.

"So about Friday, should I come over to your house or you come over to mine...or we could both go over to Quinn's..." I could tell she was trying to accommodate me. Friday there was a football game that both Quinn and Brittany would be cheering at, so it would be a thousand times easier if they just changed in the locker room and went straight to Puck's house.

"Don't be ridiculous, I'll go to the game." I told her.

"You will?" She asked sheepishly. It was true, I tended to avoid football games. Large crowds and loud noises were not something I appreciated. But seeing Brittany and Quinn would be fun, and if it came down to it I could hang out with Izzy by Brittany's parents. I didn't have to let myself get swallowed up into the high school crowd.

"Yeah of course." I said as I lifted her up so we could both stand. "Um...do I have to like dress nice or-."

"Santana, you could wear a garbage bag as a dress and you would still look great. This is just a party, you can be my date. No worries." I could see Quinn approaching and she looked as excited as Brittany did when she jumped on my lap. Only Quinn just came over and nudged my shoulder.

"Guess what!" She said.

"Party at Puck's Friday?" Quinn crossed her arms over her chest and looked to Brittany who just shrugged.

"I wanted to tell her!" Brittany only shrugged as a response. "Whatever, I bet you didn't know that Puck was looking to take you as his date. He's got a massive crush on you." I arched an eyebrow, completely unsure if she was talking to Brittany or me.

"He can't take Brittany!" I told Quinn who laughed outright.

"I was talking about you dipshit." Quinn said bouncing on her toes. "When you left to help the dwarf, he was practically drooling. He said he's been trying to figure out how to hang with you so he really hopes you come to his party." I shifted in place; I didn't know how to respond. This wasn't right, it was scary. Why would he look at me? Who would want to look at me? I felt disgusting. I wondered if I did something to make him think I was interested, did I wear clothes to make him think that I wanted him?

"I can tell him to drop dead if you want me to." Quinn said holding onto my wrist. "You don't like him."

"He's a sleaze, of course she doesn't like him. Santana has better tastes than that." Brittany answered for me. Truthfully, I don't even know what my type is, maybe I don't have tastes. I don't ever really think about love and relationships beyond friendships. It's too far fetched, the idea is crazier than I am.

"Maybe I'm asexual." I joked, thinking for a moment and then trying to figure out if I was actually telling the truth. I wasn't attracted to anyone, I couldn't be, because who would return the feeling? "Or maybe I should become a Monk." I suggested.

"No, you can't shave your head!" Brittany said wrapping her arms around my shoulders. "You'd probably still look cute though." I rolled my eyes and brushed her off.

"Relax I'm joking." I assured her.

"Oh well...can I come over later so you can help me with my math homework?" Brittany asked.

"Um excuse me, why didn't you ask me? I'm insulted that you think Santana is smarter than me." Quinn said with a huff.

"But she is smarter than you." Brittany told Quinn.

"Yes, come over later, just let yourself in, I'll be in my room." I said to Brittany. "I'll see you guys in class."

+0+

"Hey mom." I said sliding onto a stool near the island in our kitchen. I could tell my mom was stressed out just by the way she had her hair back and how she kept fumbling with the pen in her hand. I had a cup of tea in front of me, and I was in the midst of opening up the honey to put in my tea. "Everything alright?"

"Just stressed, you know how things are. I don't want to leave you alone this weekend, it seems too soon. Not that I don't trust you it's just-."

"Mom, we don't have to talk about it." I told her. "And I'm not mad at you or dad for leaving this weekend. I'll be fine." She was still worried I could tell.

"You should get a job." She said. I let my face fall and collide with the countertop in a faux fainting spell. "I'm serious." She warned me. "Santana, you could do it. Instead of coming home and sitting in your room all afternoon, you could do something and get paid. I've got connections, I'm gonna start looking around for you." She said as she grabbed my cup of tea and took a sip for herself. "I just want you to be a productive part of society."

"Why can't I just morph into a cat or something?" I groaned.

"You are honest to go the most ridiculous person I know." She said kissing me on the forehead. She was about to go upstairs and grab her suitcase when I heard a shriek. It didn't take me long before I realized it was my mom who had freaked out and it didn't take long to see why. Brittany was standing in the threshold of the kitchen door with her hand over her heart.

"You scared me mama Lopez." I started laughing because of course Brittany would hardly be fazed by my mother's shriek of terror.

"You scared me." My mom said before giving Brittany a hug. "Are you coming from dance practice?" Brittany's hair was slicked back in a tight bun, she was wearing a blue tank top and black tights, it was evident that she came right from her practice to my house.

"I thought you had hip-hop today." i said.

"Yeah but Nina the Nazi switched things up." Nina had been her dance instructor for four years and although she'd made Brittany good enough to be considered exceptional, Brittany still didn't love the woman. Nina was nice, when I'd come to Brittany's recitals, she'd always stay and talk to the family and me. "I brought my homework though, if you still want to help me work on it."

"Are you staying over? Please say yes, I'm leaving for D.C. today and I want someone home with San." Brittany looked at me, as if to ask for my approval.

"Yea I can stay." Brittany said before walking over and tugging on my shirt. "Come on." She said and I couldn't do anything except give my mom a quick nod, grab my tea, and follow Brittany upstairs to my room. Brittany tossed her bag onto my bed and sprawled her body out sighing in exhaustion. "I think I might be dead." I chuckled and pulled her bag out from under her arm, and checked to see what her math homework was. It was only a worksheet and it was a page long.

"You should rest. You have cheer practice and dance today, I'd be exhausted too." I sat on the edge of my bed and began working on her homework.

"No San, I'll just do it in the morning." She wrapped her arms around my waist and pulled me down with her. I felt the pencil slide from my hand and fall to the floor along with the worksheet. I turned my head to look at Brittany and my nose was against hers. I expected her to move back, then I was going to move back, but neither one of us did. "What does asexual mean?" She asked quietly like it was a bad word. "I asked Quinn and she laughed, but didn't tell me." Brittany bit her bottom lip, she wasn't joking around, she really did want to know.

"It's like...when you aren't...I guess sexually attracted to anyone." That's all I knew about it because that's all I'd looked up in 7th grade when I was trying to put labels on myself. It was a lost cause, I didn't know what I was, and I couldn't say definitively who I was attracted to.

"Is that what you are?" Brittany asked.

"No." I told her I tried to sit up but Brittany held onto my shirt and kept me from moving.

"So you're sexually attracted to people?" She asked. If I wasn't uncomfortable before, now I most certainly was. I didn't talk about these sorts of things with anyone.

"Yeah." Brittany poked my stomached and giggled.

"You're blushing." She pointed out.

"I know, people aren't supposed to talk about stuff like this." I said. Brittany brushed my hair over my face and then laughed. "What are you-."

"You're so pretty." She said pushing my hair back. "You aren't going to have sex with Puck, right?" If I wasn't so drawn in by her eyes then I would've been completely taken aback by her question.

"No of course not, I don't even like him." I assured her.

"Good." She said with a small smile. "What do you think sex is like anyway? Gross."

"And sweaty."

"And rough." She added with a laugh. "Do you think I'm pretty San?" That was the type of question that came out of left field. I hesitated. Should I be honest? Didn't her parents tell her that she was pretty, doesn't Quinn say it enough, what would it mean if it came from me? Just another compliment? Just words awkwardly coming out of my mouth.

"You're gorgeous." I told her, and it hurt me to leave it at that. It hurt because I could go one for hours telling her how stunning she truly was. From her delicate hands to her crystal blue eyes, right down to her smile that never in a million years wouldn't cause me to feel some form of happiness. "But how many people have told you that? It probably doesn't mean much coming from me-."

"No, it means something." Without warning Brittany rolled over my body and landed on the floor gracefully.

"You're a real life ballerina, do you ever think about how cool that is?" Brittany only laughed as she walked over to my pajama drawer in my dresser.

"Well Izzy calls me Black Swan and I think that's kinda cool...but no, anyone can dance." Of course a ballerina would say something like that.

"Did you hear my mom talking about me getting a job?" I asked Brittany as she pulled off her shirt. I didn't know if I should look away or not so I just stared blankly at my ceiling.

"No, that's hilarious though." She started laughing. "I can't even imagine you working somewhere. You'd get so annoyed by the people." I figured she was done getting dressed but she didn't have pajama shorts on yet. Quinn was right about Brittany's legs, they were incredibly long, and she was toned in the way that girls dream of. She had a small bruise on her knee barely noticeable, but I saw it right away. "I fell off the pyramid yesterday." She said. I blushed because she'd noticed me staring but I was happy that the bruise allowed for an excuse for me to look. "Do you know where you'd want to work?"

"I dunno...maybe I'll be a garbage_woman_ or like...a nun...or maybe I'll work at a library." All places where my human interaction would be limited.

"Being a nun isn't a job." Brittany said as she tugged on the pajama shorts. She walked over and fell onto the bed beside me. My arm stuck under her waist. "But I can so see you in a library. Wearing your glasses and trying to read as many books as you can on the job. You're the cutest." I laughed because I could imagine it too. I was joking before but maybe it could be a real possibility. "Did you ever think of that?"

"Think of what?" I asked her.

"Santana the Librarian and Brittany the Ballerina?" Her smile was absolutely contagious. "Did you count them?" She asked. She jumped up and turned off the lights. She grabbed my hands and pulled me up to my feet.

"Count what?" I asked trying not to laugh as how quickly she was moving. She grabbed the chair from my desk and pushed me down so I was sitting. She looked over her shoulder at me as she put my drapes up.

"The stars. Remember? You promised you would count them forever." I didn't know whether to roll my eyes or just accept it. She sat down on my lap and leaned back so that my chin was resting against her shoulder. "Give me your hands." I held them out and she wrapped them around her waist. "There are so many." She said with a little laugh. "And every single one is perfect. Isn't that crazy?"

"Well not everything is perfect on this planet; it only makes sense that everything out there is." Who was I? Confucius? I was comfortable being here with Brittany but then I thought about how much she didn't know. What would she think of me if she found out?

"Some things on Earth are." Brittany whispered after a long and cold silence.

"Are what?" I questioned.

"Perfect."

**A/N: Tell me what you think, the opinion of the readers are really important to me. **


	4. I'm Not Yours

**A/N: Thank you guys for sticking in there with me. I hope you enjoy this chapter.**

**Song Suggestion: "**_**Poison and Wine**_**" by The Civil Wars **

_~I don't love you, but I always will~_

I realized that I loved Brittany when I was thirteen. I'd just gotten a concussion from falling off my bike and Brittany insisted that she take care of me for the rest of that summer. It was stupid, and she made me wear this pink helmet every time we did anything even remotely dangerous. I dealt with the older kids calling me a _retard_ when I walked by with that stupid helmet on my head because the last thing I ever wanted was to hurt Brittany. I felt ridiculous and self-conscious but I kept wearing it whenever she asked me to because I wanted to make her feel happy, I wanted to show her that she could always trust me, she could always look to me if she needed anything. She even started wearing her own helmet towards the end of the summer just so I didn't have a choice in taking mine off whenever I felt overwhelmed.

I decided that summer that I loved Brittany, but that love wasn't as special as I thought it was, because I loved my parents, I loved Fran, I loved Quinn, I even loved Izzy, so what was the difference? Love was just something you felt, just like when someone smacks you, that pain is something you feel.

I don't know if my love for anyone changed over time. I didn't realize that it had to. I never understood why saying I love you to someone meant this whole big show, this whole big wreak. So I never told anyone I loved them, I never dared to.

"Are you sure it's okay if I go to the game with you? Seriously people will talk and it won't look good for you." I glanced over at Rachel sitting in the passenger's seat. She looked nervous. She'd told me that this was the first time that she'd been to a football game since freshman year. She didn't explain what happened at the game, but apparently it scared her enough for her to stop going to sports events altogether.

"Look, we're already on our way. We're going to the game, and I don't care who sees me hanging out with you. I don't want to watch alone and neither do you." Rachel wiped a tear from her eye before it could mess up her war paint under her eyes. For someone who hadn't been to a football game in awhile, she sure knew how to be spirited.

I had on Brittany's _McKinley High _cheerleading shirt on. I was happy that it was still warm enough to wear short sleeves so I could show off the shirt to everyone who would be sure to be around. When we arrived, there were hoards of cars in the parking lots. So many people that I had to park on the street. Rachel and I got out of the car and headed over towards the bleachers. The game was just about to start and I was going to see if Rachel and I could get a spot against the fence in the student section, but I was blindsided by thin arms wrapped around my waist. I looked down and saw Izzy.

"Hey Iz." I said looking up towards the stands spotting Mr. Pierce who gave me a wave. He was about to walk down and tell me something, but the bleachers were too crowded so he just shouted instead.

"Izzy wants to go in the student section but she's too afraid. Can you take her?" I gave him a thumbs up and he responded with a _thank you_ before he returned to his conversation with another parent.

"San, thank God you're here." Izzy said grabbing onto my hand. "Hi." She waved to Rachel who gave her a warm smile.

"Okay come on." We headed towards the student section which looked to be completely filled. I didn't know if we'd be able to squeeze in up front and I was a little worried. The last thing I wanted to do was be forced to watch the actual game, I was only here to support Quinn and Brittany.

"Hey can we squeeze in up here?" I asked Mark Fitzgerald. He was a nice enough guy, sort of full of himself at times, but like anyone else at the school he assumed that because I hung out with Brittany and Quinn I was also popular. He told some freshman guys to go to the top of the bleachers to make room for Rachel, Izzy and me. "Thanks." We got the perfect spot, the cheerleaders were right in front of us, and Quinn gave me the biggest smile when she saw me and I smiled back.

"Is that Puck's girl?" Someone next to Mark asked him, I knew they were talking about me, and I tensed up.

"Yea." Mark responded nonchalantly like it was common knowledge. Now I truly understood how people with over possessive partners felt like. I felt dirty, I felt used, and nothing had even happened yet. I didn't want to belong to anyone. I didn't want to be _owned_.

"Excuse you, Santana doesn't belong to anyone." Izzy told the guy. She looked up at me. "Right?"

"Right." I confirmed. I could feel Rachel's eyes on me, but I looked down at the wire fencing in front of me. _Right?_ I was my own person, and I never wanted to be owned. I needed my emotions to be mine, that's the only thing that's keeping me from breaking. Before I knew it halftime was here. Rachel and Izzy had apparently hit it off just in two quarters so they were headed to the concession stand, the students were sitting down, talking and laughing, and I felt like I was completely isolated. The marching band was taking the field and I was going to see if I could get a seat and rest my feet when someone tapped my shoulder.

I turned around and immediately a Brittany wrapped her arms around my neck. I didn't even realize she'd kissed my cheek until Quinn laughed and nudged Brittany.

"Ew cooties." Quinn said with a smile. "I'm happy you showed." She added with such sincerity that I had to double take.

"I didn't know if you would." Brittany said as she wrapped her arm around my shoulder and squeezed. "But more importantly, how awesome are Quinn and I out there?"

"Talk about amazing. How do you do that double spinny thingy?" I asked and Brittany just laughed against my shoulder.

"I'll show you later." She said just as Rachel and Izzy had reemerged.

"So I hear there's a party after the game. So am I going with Santana or you Brittany?" Izzy asked as if there was a chance that any of us would let her go to a high school party. Brittany rolled her eyes and so did I.

"I could take you." Quinn was joking but Izzy didn't get it.

"Quinn!" Brittany and I snapped at the same time.

"Sorry Iz, it was a bad joke. You can hang out with us on Sunday though if you want." Quinn offered. Izzy nodded and decided she might as take the offer. Rachel looked down at her shoes, clearly, she was uncomfortable. It must have been Quinn that was making her feel that way. "Did you see Puck score that first touchdown? When he pointed to the crowd, he was pointing to you."

"I'm gonna hurl." I told Quinn who only waved me off. "How do I tell him to fuck off?"

"Santana!" Brittany, Quinn, and Rachel said in unison. Izzy only laughed.

"I wish we could stay up here and watch the game with you guys. I mean I barely get a chance to watch the game when we're always cheering." Brittany said. I didn't really find football that exciting, to be honest, I was more interested in the cheers and the chants that our student section came up with to taunt the other fans.

"It's not that exciting." I assured Brittany. "Doesn't cheerleading get exhausting. I wouldn't be able to make it through five minutes." I said.

"You could totally do it." Brittany assured me. "Plus we take steroids." Izzy's mouth hit the floor.

"I'm telling dad!" Izzy shouted. I grabbed Izzy's arm before she could run off. Izzy was sort of clueless when it came to jokes. Rachel laughed began explaining to Izzy how teenagers were never serious about anything they said and that she should expect us to be joking at all times. I wondered if Rachel had any siblings, she was pretty good with Izzy, and it would make sense if she had a younger sister of her own.

"Bets on who's going to get the most messed up tonight?" Quinn asked. "My money's on you Brittany, I'll put 15 down that you won't be able to remember your own name by 3 am." Brittany blushed and looked to me for my bet.

"Brittany for sure." Brittany laughed and moved her hand from over my shoulder and pushed me against the fence. "What? I've seen you when you're at a party."

"How much are you betting?" Brittany asked.

"30." I said with a grin.

"I've got 50 on you Santana." Brittany said with this cocky grin that I've never seen on her face. I didn't know what was happening here. Sabotage maybe. "And you're not allowed to spend the whole night outside, okay?" I was partially impressed and partially annoyed that she knew that was my exact plan. I bit my bottom lip hoping she wasn't expecting a response, because I wasn't going to give it to her.

"The game's about to start again, don't you have some cheering to do?" I asked Quinn and Brittany. They exchanged glances and Quinn waved goodbye to me, and wrapped her arms around Izzy lifting her up and spinning her in a circle despite all of Izzy's protesting. I raised my hand to wave goodbye to Brittany but she grabbed it and pulled me closer to her.

"Promise me you'll try and have fun tonight." She demanded.

"I promise."

+0+

The first girl to pass out with Liz Naple known by the entire sophomore class as_Nips_ because last year she got into a fight and the other girl ripped her shirt exposing Liz to everyone, and while the boys were taking videos all the girls were making sure that nickname stuck. She was wild and crazy, and when we first got there she was the one who offered me a shot, I declined but Brittany insisted I drink so I did.

Quinn, who was also known as the _drunken superhero_ at parties because of the one time she did a backflip off Puck's trampoline and stuck the landing, was the one who was trying to get Brittany to drink more so she'd win the bet. "Puck's trying to get a drinking game started." I just hoped it wasn't _Never Have I Ever_ or worse spin-the-bottle; those games always made me want to crawl inside of my own skin and compress my heart until I keeled over and died. I couldn't stand them, never have I ever was too personal, spin the bottle was too impersonal, it was too much for me.

"I'm making you have fun no matter what." Brittany said grabbing my hand and bringing me into the kitchen where a lot of the jocks and cheerleaders had gathered. Brittany held onto my hand, I could only assume it was to keep me from running away but I had no true idea. I spotted Puck right away because he was wearing his football jersey and he was wearing sunglasses inside. He looked like a complete asshole, but I didn't say that out loud.

"Okay ladies, gentlemen, and others." He pointed to Finn who shoved Puck jokingly. "I'd like to introduce you to a game of shot roulette." I glanced down at the kitchen island and saw there were shot glasses lined up surrounding a bottle of vodka. Each glass had a different color drink, I could even tell that some were jello shots. "How it works is each person will spin the bottle and whatever glass it lands on, they have to take the shot." Quinn looked so apprehensive that I thought of just yanking my hand out of Brittany's grip and leaving. "Gather round." Some people chickened out, so there were only about 15 of us around the table." Finn went first and the bottle landed on this darkish gold liquid and everyone watched as Finn downed it.

"Olive Oil." He coughed out as he put the glass down. Now this game was looking like the worst idea ever. If that had been me drinking Olive Oil then I would've hurled. Quinn was next and hers landed on this red jello shot. I could tell it didn't taste good by the way her face scrunched up and she slammed the glass down on the counter.

"You put hot sauce in that, you ass!" Puck was nearly double over laughing and so were a few of the cheerleaders. I'll admit, the best part of having Quinn as a friend was seeing her when she wasn't trying to impress anyone, seeing her when she was vulnerable to the opinions and emotions of everyone, it made her real and lovable and I wouldn't trade that part of her for the world.

I was next and I could visibly see my hand shaking as I reached out to spin the bottle. "Don't be nervous baby girl." Puck said as if that was supposed to encourage me. I ignored him and watched as the bottle landed on a black substance. Puck walked over to the other side of the table and moved the bottle to the next drink. There were a lot of protest from some of the jocks, but some of the girls thought it was sweet. I was so annoyed and angry at him that I just downed the drink he'd picked no questions asked. It was sweet and loaded with rum and something else. We went around the table 3 more times and each time I'd gotten something good, not just because of Puck anymore, I guess it was luck.

I didn't know if I was supposed to thank him or smack him when he took off his shirt and told me to put it on over mine. "Or just take yours off." Puck added. I chastised myself for forgetting how to say no, but smacked his shoulder at even the suggestion that I was going to take my shirt off. It wasn't romantic or poetic, but Puck was the star wide receiver and although I didn't like attention, I was a little drunk and I was sort of proud that most of the girls were jealous of me.

"Are you okay?" Brittany asked ask she looped her arm around my waist. We were standing in the living room, well she was standing, I was leaning, and Quinn was explaining why she didn't want to be a stay at home mom when she's older and how she'll just die if she doesn't have at least four dogs. I always enjoyed Quinn's drunken rants, but right now I felt like I was just going to lose my mind if I didn't get away from all these people. Especially Brittany.

"I need to breathe." I told her as I walked away. I went out on the porch, it wasn't like this was the first time I'd been here. When Puck and I were younger we were actually friends. I knew his secret hideout under the porch. It used to be where he'd go to look at dirty magazines, now it's where he goes to smoke weed. It was actually cozy; he keeps it up pretty well. I crawled under the small space, and rested my back against the wall. I could feel the vibrations from the music, but I didn't let it bother me. I was finally alone and I could try and think, but thinking was not a good idea right now.

I wanted to be up there with everyone. No, not everyone. Brittany. Just Brittany.

I heard movement from above me, and then someone was crawling under the porch. I couldn't see for the life of me, but whoever it was they had soft hands that smelled like coconut and vanilla, and they tossed a flask onto my lap, as they sat down next to me. "How'd you know I'd be down here?" Of course Brittany would have a sixth sense about my whereabouts, I thought to myself.

"I followed you. I mean I waited because I thought that maybe you were upset or something, but then I thought I should just check on you anyway." She explained. "And also you should drink more because I want to win the bet and I sorta think Quinn's gonna blackout within the next hour." I smiled and took a drink from the flask.

"Now you." Brittany took a drink too and pulled out her phone, pressing the home screen so we could have some light.

"Are there spiders down here?" Brittany asked.

"Maybe." Brittany quickly climbed onto my lap. I laughed and held onto her waist. "We can go back up there." Brittany practically dragged me out from under the porch. When we started walking up the porch I could see Puck and a few other guys drinking beers outside.

"What were you two ladies doing down there?" Puck questioned with a suggestive wink.

"Shut up." Brittany told him. "But if we're being honest, I'm the much better choice." We went inside, I told Brittany I was sleepy and she took me into the basement. No one was down there. I took another drink; I didn't want to be awake anymore. I fell down onto the couch, Brittany giggled and laid down next to me. "You're so drunk." Brittany said as she rested her hand against my cheek. She was right; I didn't even know what my body was doing anymore. I leaned in, absolutely hell-bent on kissing her, but I pulled back before I could.

"Why did you let me get drunk?" I asked Brittany.

"I wanted to see you smile without forcing it." She said as she wrapped her arms around my body.

"I never force it when I'm with you." I slurred out. I felt like my breathing was uneven, it was because Brittany was so close to me. Her legs were tangled in mine, I opened my mouth to tell her to move, but it didn't come out right. "I love you." Even coming from my own mouth I sounded completely hammered, for a sentence that should've take a second, it took about 10.

"I love you too." Brittany said as she rested her head against my chest. I blacked out before I could ask her what she meant. I blacked out before I could tell her why I said it.

**A/N: Review and tell me what you think please. **


	5. It's Getting Old, Kid

**I know it's been a longer wait for this chapter but I hope it's worth it. Thank you all for reading. Enjoy.**

**Song Suggestion: "Sadie" by Fences**

_~In town and fucked with all my friends. You've said that before It's really getting old, kid~_

I woke up in my bed. I felt absolutely empty; there was nothing, no surprise, nothing. That feeling was good, it was amazing, it meant I didn't have to care, I didn't have to think, all I had to do was breathe and blink and I'd be okay. I would be okay. Where was Brittany, the last thing I remember was her coming to get me, under the porch, she got scared because she thought there were spiders under there so we left. That must have been when she brought me home, I don't know who drove us, I thought Quinn and Brittany were pretty drunk by then. Or maybe that was just my own mindless distortion of reality, I did that a lot.

It was getting old though, being in my own mind most of the time, sometimes I thought about letting more people in. Brittany maybe, but that was tough, she was too amazing, too beautiful, I didn't want to ruin her by showing her who I was. I'd already ruined my family, I could see it in my mom's eyes sometimes. She was pushing back, pushing back against her own thoughts that I was crazy, she was making excuses for me, she was trying to brush things under the rug. It wasn't going to work. I'm sure that was getting old too.

I rolled out of my bed and landed on my feet. I was in a t-shirt and pajama pants, I even had on different socks then I remembered I was wearing yesterday. I opened my door, trying to hear if anyone was downstairs. I heard shuffling around and pans clanking together for a moment before silence.

That wasn't right. This wasn't right. My mom was out of town, my father was too, who was downstairs? An intruder? Should I call the cops? I didn't even know where my phone was, or maybe I left it at Puck's house, that would be fun to get back.

I decided that it was an intruder, and I was going to go down there and face them head on, because if I did at least it would be as a hero. A pathetic hero, I'm sure I wouldn't even manage to put up a fight but at least someone wouldn't think I was crazy. My mom could hide that forever if she wanted.

I walked downstairs and into the kitchen, I wasn't expecting Brittany to be standing in front of the stove cracking an egg into a sizzling hot pan. She looked over her shoulder and smiled at me before returning her gaze to the pan. I was worried, Brittany never told me that she cooked, and occasionally she had bouts of extreme clumsiness, the last thing I wanted was for her to burn herself. I walked over and tapped her shoulder. "Hey." She said with a empathetic smile. "You alright?"

"I'm fine." I told her as I took the spatula out of her hand. "Sit down, I'll finish this for you."

"No, I wanted to cook for you." She said taking the spatula back. "Let me." I stood near her, watching as she cooked just to make sure. I know she didn't need me to be her guardian or protector, but I wanted to be just that. My life was useless without a purpose, and what's a better purpose than Brittany?

"What happened last night?" I asked her, she looked up at me with a grin.

"Hm…let's see. You lost a bet that seems to be the most important thing." My smile faded and Brittany fixed our plates. "I think you had fun though, did you? How much do you remember?" She questioned as she handed me a plate of eggs, bacon, and three pancakes. Her plate only had one pancake, I noticed that right away.

"I remember the game, we one and Rachel and Izzy were with me. And we went to Puck for a party, and I went under the porch and you went with me and…that's it." Brittany and I sat down at my kitchen island.

"You must have blacked out." Brittany said resting her hand on my cheek. "We went downstairs in Puck's basement…you don't remember any of it?" I was getting worried, why did Brittany let us stay on this same subject. It wasn't interesting, or important, but she seemed intent on staying on the subject matter.

"Did I do something? Did I say something wrong?" I asked her. "Brittany, did I hurt you?"

"No, of course not. San…" She held my face in her hands for a second before I pulled away, quick, brash, and totally irrationally. "San, what's wrong?" I just felt weird again, I felt like suddenly I was going to remember everything that happened last night and it was going to destroy me. I did something wrong last night, and Brittany was hiding it from me.

"Don't you have practice? I thought…I t-thought you had…" Brittany held onto my hand and stroked it trying to calm me down.

"Why are you acting like this around me?" She asked trying to get me to look into her eyes. "You don't stutter unless you feel uncomfortable."

"I do feel…" I stood up and started walked towards my room. I jogged up the steps and Brittany followed close behind. I opened my closet and walked in, looking around for something to wear.

"You feel what?" Brittany asked as she leaned against the threshold of the door. Her voice was teetering on fear, and full of worry. "Santana, just tell me what you feel. I'm asking you to tell me."

"I don't feel anything." I said with a frown. "And I feel everything."

"Is this about last night? I knew it, I knew I messed up. When you seemed so worried about going to the game, and you went out of your way to invite Rachel, I knew I messed up. I got you drunk and you blacked out and-."

"No, I wanted that too. I had fun but then Puck was looking at me and he gave me his shirt and…I don't look at him and say, he's attractive. I just look at him and see what I see in everyone else." I grabbed a long sleeve shirt and a pair of jeans. "Turn around." I told her.

"No." Brittany said firmly.

"Brittany, I said to turn around." I didn't even understand why I was getting so annoyed with Brittany, she was only trying to help me. I just wanted her to go home, I wanted to just go for a run, or bake an entire batch of cookies just to throw them away.

"What's wrong with you?" She asked. "Don't you like me anymore?" I stared at her for a moment, I didn't understand what she meant by that.

"Like you?" I asked all too quickly.

"You know what I mean, I'm asking if we were friends." If she only meant that then why was she asking it so strangely.

"Yes of course, of course we're friends. Best friends." I assured her as I pulled down my pants and tugged on my jeans. "I'm sorry for acting weird. I think it's a headache from last night."

"Do you want to take a walk?" Brittany asked as she walked over closer to me. I didn't feel comfortable taking off my shirt now, so I kept it on and watched her as she ran her fingers over the clothes that were handing in my closet.

"I don't know." I said stupidly, I forced a smile.

"Where are the photos?" Brittany asked as she stopped looking at my clothes and refocused on me.

"What photos?" I questioned.

"All the photos in your house. Where'd they all go?" Brittany repeated.

"I don't…we didn't really have that many pictures, and besides it's no big deal." I quickly took off my shirt and put another one on, being careful not to make a big show out of it or draw any attention to my body. "I'll take more pictures if you want." She looked at me for a long time, longer than she would ever need to, and then her eyes went down to the floor.

"Let's take a walk." It was the second time she'd asked, so I understood that at this point, she was insisting that I go with her. Brittany put on a pair of my flip-flops, I put on tennis shoes, and we walked out of the house side-by-side. "It's really nice out. I thought it was going to rain today." That was small talk, that wasn't something Brittany did well. It seemed forced and unnecessary, especially because we both knew we could survive together in utter silence. I decided to go along with it, I shouldn't poke and prod, Brittany was already more than frustrated with me today.

"I thought you didn't watch the news, why'd you think it would rain?" I asked.

"Just a feeling." Brittany said as she grabbed onto my hand. I didn't realize we were walking towards Brittany's backyard until I looked up. Brittany didn't say anything, we just went up into her tree house and sat there. I didn't think we'd ever grow out of this place, and I was right. It was warm and comfortable and I loved it here with her. The quiet was peaceful and Brittany must have known how safe this place made me feel. "It's comfortable up here, huh?"

"Stop it." I told her as I ran my hand through my hair. "Stop." I breathed out.

"Stop what?"

"Lying to me." Her eyes darkened and I kept my head down.

"Me? Lying, how am I-."

"Tell me, please just tell me what I did yesterday. Say it, I won't ask again, I just need you to be honest with me. It hurts me when you aren't." Brittany grabbed my hands and started pulling me towards her. I tried to push her away, but she pulled me on top of her and held onto my wrists so I couldn't move.

"Law down." She said.

"I am-." She wrapped her arms around my shoulders and made sure I wasn't able to squirm away.

"Show me that you're comfortable with me." I lifted my head up and shifted most of my weight onto my arms so that I was hovering above Brittany.

"I am Britt-."

"Stop and just look at me." Her hand rested on my cheek, her thumb grazed over my bottom lip. "What did you say to me last night?" She questioned quietly.

"I don't know-."

"You know." Brittany said aggressively. "You know."

"I didn't mean it." I whispered. "I swear I was just…Brittany, I was drunk."

"San, I know what you meant, and I don't have to think it through like you always do with everything, but…" I kept my head down, we couldn't have this conversation. Not now and not ever. "Say it again." Brittany asked grabbing my wrists again. "Quinn's the pretty one, you're the mysterious one, but no one pays me any mind, except you."

"That's not true, Quinn cares a great deal about you-."

"Just shut up!" Brittany snapped. I could feel her fingers holding my bones so tightly that I thought I was going to break in half. "Just fucking shut up and say it." She said. "Tell me you love me and I swear I won't hold you to it. Say it and don't mean it, cross your fingers behind your back, wish it away a thousand times, but hearing you say it, means something."

"Brittany, I love you." I didn't cross my fingers, I didn't pretend that I didn't mean it, I just stared at her waiting for her to smile. She didn't smile. I didn't move. "My wrists hurt." I told her and she quickly let go of my wrists and sat up. "Sorry." I said quietly.

"Sorry for what?"

"For saying that when I was drunk." I sat up. "I'm more than sorry for saying it now."

…

"Why do you look like that?" Quinn asked as she wrapped her arm around my shoulder and stepped in stride with me.

"L-like what, I'm just…" Quinn grabbed my arm and stopped me.

"You're stuttering again." She said. "What happened?"

"Nothing, it was just something with Brittany. Nothing important." Quinn didn't look convinced. I smiled and tried to make her forget that she was even worried about me. "What's your deal?" I asked her. A smile had been playing on her face all day, she didn't want me to know about something.

"Ask Brittany, I think she wants to tell you." I didn't know if I wanted to talk to Brittany. After Saturday, up in the treeshouse and I left her there, we hadn't said a word to one another. "Where is she?"

"Lunchroom probably." I said as we headed to the cafeteria. Quinn went to go get a salad, but I walked right over to the cheerleading girls table. I sat down next to her and nudged her shoulder to get her to notice me.

"I thought we were in a fight." She said bitterly.

"No, we aren't, I swear it."

"Well did Quinn tell you?" Brittany asked seeming to lose all of her ill feelings towards me in less than a second.

"No."

"You have a job now." She said linking our pinkies together. "Mama Lopez and I were talking on the phone on Sunday and I went to a bookstore and one thing led to another and…I got you a job." She said. "It's gonna be so fun."

"Don't I need an interview; wouldn't they need some sort of background check or something?" I questioned. I was worried about them digging into my past, about the employers finding out that I was in an institution over the summer. They might take back the offer. "Maybe a urine test?"

"You're cute when you're all wound up." Brittany said. "When I told them about how quiet you are, and how smart you are, they were more than willing to offer you a job. They'll really like you. It's a small place too, only 5 people working there, including the owner." I liked _East Egg_, it was a cozy little bookstore, and I went there all the time, I was grateful that Brittany did something so amazing just for me. "And you'd be 12.50 an hour-."

"What? That's too much; I can't take that much money." Brittany's eyes widened.

"God, you are just the strangest person ever." Brittany said. "Maybe you could save up the extra money that you don't want, and you could buy me something." Brittany teased. "What do you want to get me?"

"Um…how about a new dress?" Brittany said.

"Or a giant rubber ducky." We both laughed.

"Or a car?" Brittany rested her hand on my knee and nudged her shoulder with mine. "Or a cloning machine."

"What do you need that for?" I asked.

"So I can clone myself, so I can always be with you." Two of the cheerleaders turned and looked at us, I didn't like the way they were gazing. It made me feel like I should run, or at least stop them from staring and explain that Brittany's affection was for everyone, not just me.

"Don't say stuff like that." I told Brittany.

"I can say whatever I want." Brittany said. "And so can you, you know. Half the time when we're talking I can tell that you want to say something but don't. It's funny."

"Your face is funny." I joked, feeling like if I just assumed the façade of nonchalance.

"I like this." She said squeezing my knee.

"I have to get something from my locker, will you come with me?" I asked her. She told a freshman girl to pick up her stuff and went with me towards my locker. I grabbed Brittany's hand, holding it tightly as we walked down the hallway. "You're using the coconut scrub still?"

"Yeah it feels so good." Brittany said as she tried to unlock my locker from memory. "Tell me why you are so afraid of what other people think." She didn't get it to open, not even after her third try.

"I don't care what other people think." I assured her. "I mean…you, I care what you think."

"I feel important." Brittany said before she let me open my own locker. I grabbed my backpack and put in the books for my next few classes. "Like a princess."

"A Queen." I corrected her before blushing and looking down at the ground. "Sorry that was dumb."

"You saying dumb things makes me smile." Brittany told me. "Do you like Puck?"

"No."

"I'm going to tell him to back off, and when I say that he'll ask me why and I'll tell him…"

"You'll tell him what?" I questioned. I felt a million times different than I did on Saturday, I felt like I'd grown a mile since Friday. There was something different, I'd avoided mirrors since Saturday, because I was afraid of what I'd might see. Changed.

I had changed. And it wasn't terrifying, I couldn't wait for my mother to come home so I could tell her that today I'd smiled more than I had in awhile. I could think to myself about how I'd grabbed onto her hand without thinking, not once, not even for a second. Maybe I was in my fantasy world right now, maybe I was being stupid, but for once I didn't care.

"Nothing." Brittany's smiled was heartwarming, it was sincere, and perfect.

"Tell me." I urged her. She'd gotten me a job. She'd put up with my craziness on Saturday, and every other day since I was young. There was nothing she couldn't tell me, I know that she knew that. "No one's around."

"I know no one's around, I just…when you said it…" She laughed, a flustered sort of laugh. "I'll just tell him that you love someone else. I'll just tell him that." I froze, where was this going. "I mean it's a good excuse, he'll believe it." And what did she believe? What did I believe?

"Thank you." I told her. She wrapped her arms around me and kissed my neck. "I lov…you're amazing."

**Please please please review and tell me what you think, it's very important for me to know how I'm doing. **


	6. East Egg

**A/N: A lot of you guys were curious about whether or not Brittany is playing games, how Brittany feels, and what Santana actually feels. All I can say is that all of the back and forth and confusion between them both is intentional. They're both in different places of confusion with their relationship and that doesn't suddenly get easier. Thank you for the reviews, you are all amazing.**

**Song Suggestion: "Find Your Way" by Pablo Blaqk**

~You are my love you are my light  
that always guides my way~

I was lost for a while. A whole summer to be exact. A lot of it was hazy, faded memories came back every night, there were times when I was certain that I could recall everything that happened to me, and then suddenly I was completely uncertain. I could hardly tell the difference between reality and dreams anymore.

I needed someone to show me. Not just have to behave, not how to act in social situations, or do my homework on time, I needed someone to show me how to live. That was what Brittany did for me sometimes, sometimes I felt like she was playing mind games with me. I wondered if she knew that was how I felt. I wondered if she cared.

She did ask me to tell her that I loved her, and it was forced, completely extracted from my lips, and once I'd said it, I didn't know how to feel. Scared. Worried. Humiliated? What game was she playing?

It didn't matter, I had my first day at work, I didn't want to be late. Although a small part of me did want to be late. Getting fired on the first day was almost ideal in my mind, it meant that I didn't have to plaster on a fake smile everyday. I was lucky, my shift was late and not many people came into the bookstore at that time. There were three people working during my shift. Mr. Kingston, the owner, and someone who I hadn't met yet. Mr. Kingston manned the cash register most of the time, and I was in charge of organizing books and collecting them as people brought them in, it wasn't difficult.

I walked into the _East Egg_ and Mr. Kingston gave me a warm smile. "Hi, Santana, perfect timing." He said as he lifted a box onto the counter. "I need you to sort through these books; I only want the ones that are in good condition. You can take them in the back room to look through them." I lifted the box and headed towards the back room, fully expecting it to be empty. It wasn't.

"Hi." The girl said. Her skin was pale and her eyes brightened her face to the point that I was drawn to her. Her smile was warm and captivating, her hair brown and thick. I set the box down and she immediately opened the top flap and peered down at the books. "I'm Marley, and I'm guessing you're Santana." I nodded because I didn't trust my voice at this point. I began pulling out books and leafing through them. "You aren't supposed to read them." I slammed the book shut and looked up at her.

"Sorry." I muttered.

"I was joking." She said slowly. Her eyes glanced up at mine like she was testing the waters. "I should probably wait until I get to know you before trying to make stupid jokes like that, huh?"

"Maybe." She smiled and I had no choice but to smile back.

"Are you usually this quiet? Or is it because you think I'm a weirdo or something?" Marley asked as she sat down on the table and began organizing some of the books into piles. "Because I can stop being weird."

"I'm sorry, it j-just t-takes me awhile…" I looked up at her apologetically, like I was sorry for fumbling with all of my words. I hope she didn't push things because then my stuttering would get worse. I usually had some control over it, I just needed a few seconds. "Sorry."

"Don't apologize, really." She said watching me intensely. "You're so different from them."

"Them? Who?" I questioned curiously.

"Quinn…Brittany." Marley said before shyly pushing her hair back behind her ears. It occurred to me that she had just realized that I didn't know she went to McKinley and that's probably why she was flustered. "I'm a senior; maybe you haven't seen me around-."

"I have." I had seen her, occasionally in the library or at assemblies, but it hadn't hit me until now. "I just didn't realize it."

"I knew you were the observant type. You're quiet but you see everything." Marley said with a smile. "But your best friends are nothing like you. Quinn's loud, bossy, and overly confident, and Brittany-."

"She's what?" I could tell it came off as aggressive, or at least in a way that was a radical change from my tone but I didn't think to apologize or try and take it back this time.

"Nothing." Marley said before returning to her task. I think we both decided to ignore the whole conversation, from that moment. We didn't say it out loud, but it was implied, which was why a few minutes later I was confused when she spoke again. This time more firmly, like she was admitting to me her deepest longings, like she was confessing to me every ounce of her being. "She's bubbly, and she talks a ton, and…well I always thought that-."

"You know nothing about her, if you think you do you're wrong." I assured Marley. She looked like I'd just stabbed her in the back. She looked like I was betraying her someone. How could I betray her if I didn't even know her? "I get what it looks like from the outside."

"What does it look like?" She asked.

"You tell me." We'd finally finished sorting through the books and I took the ones that were in poor condition to the front of the store to ask Mr. Kingston what he wanted us to do with them.

"We take them to a homeless shelter on Sunday, but for now keep them in the backroom." I was reluctant to go back to the backroom, but I had no other choice. I went to the back room and set the books down again. Marley had her feet up on the table and looked at me as soon as I walked into the room.

"We take the books to a shelter on Sunday." I informed her.

"I know." She said with an air of nonchalance.

"Well why didn't you tell me?" Something about her was off, but I couldn't figure out what it was. She made me nervous for some reason, but there was nothing I could do about it.

"Are you dating Puck?" She asked ignoring my other question.

"No, that's a bullshit rumor, if you heard that around school." I assured her. "Who said that?"

"I figured Puck would've made his move by now. That's all." I looked down at my shoes and shook my head. Fuck Puck. "I didn't think he would be your type anyway, so I figured it wouldn't work out." I stared at her blankly for a few moments before sitting down in a chair next to her. "He isn't your type right?"

"No he's not."

"You don't date much do you?" She asked. That was a personal question right, too personal. She wasn't supposed to ask something like that. Maybe she felt like she could, maybe she thought that since she was older I would be intimidated by her and want to answer her, even if I was afraid to. "Wait you don't have to answer that, it was stupid."

"I don't date." I told her.

"Not ever?"

"Not ever." I responded quietly.

"Don't you think some people are sexy?" I didn't miss the fact that she said _people_ and not _boys_. I knew Brittany had been too frivolous when she was around me, I'm sure people noticed. I didn't get a chance to answer her question because Mr. Kingston entered the back room just at that moment.

"Hi girls, my niece got hurt at her soccer game and I need to take her to the ER, Marley will you take over the register, and Santana stack the books. You two will be fine locking up right?" Marley and I nodded as we followed him to the counter. Mr. Kingston handed me the key and grabbed his jacket before leaving the store. Marley happily got behind the counter while I leaned against it.

"Why'd he give you the keys?" She asked.

"Because he trusts me, I have one of those trusting faces." Marley smiled and so did I.

"Secretly I kind of think you're a prick." Marley said with a light laugh. "You know, or like maybe a masochist, I mean the quiet girls are always the naughty ones right." I blushed out of habit, it was usually the reaction people went for when they used the word _naughty_ in front of teenagers.

"I'm not…naughty." I assured her before beginning to put some of the books up on the shelf.

"Hey come here." I turned around and looked at her for a moment before putting up another book.

"Why, what do you need?" I asked.

"Just come here." I thought about ignoring her for a second, but then decided to walk over just to please her. "Behind the counter." I was confused, what was she doing right now? I walked behind the counter and Marley approached me to the point where our toes were touching and her nose was a few inches away from mine. "Hold still." What was she doing? Why couldn't I move?

She lifted her hand up and I closed my eyes as soon as her fingertips brushed against my eyelashes. I took a step back as soon as I heard the distinctive _ding_ that came form the bell above the entrance to let us know that someone had entered. I looked over my shoulder and saw Brittany enter, she was smiling as she approached me, but when she saw Marley I could tell something was wrong. "What are you doing here?" I asked her.

"Visiting, seeing how things were going." Brittany grabbed my hand and pulled me around to the front of the counter. "Hi, I'm Brittany." She said giving Marley a small nod.

"I know who you are." Marley said. "I'm Marley." Brittany stared at her for just a second to long, long enough for me to recognize some tension between them. It was tension that had lasted for awhile, it didn't just start today.

"Come over here." Brittany pulled me towards the CDs and I followed. Seeing Brittany was a nice distraction from staying on my toes at all moments around Marley. "What were you guys doing before I came in here?" Brittany asked as she looked through the CDs pretending that she wasn't interested in the answer.

"Talking." I told her.

"Why were you both behind the counter? I thought you were all about personal space or something." Her nonchalance was strange, and the fact that she didn't look happy worried me.

"What?"

"She was flirting with you." Her tone was still hushed, but it was also angry. I even took a step closer to her and grabbed her hand, like I was expecting her to rush over towards the counter and yell at Marley. Brittany kept her eyes trained on me.

"I had something on my eyelash." I told her. "She got it off-."

"Can't you tell when someone wants to fuck you?" I was taken aback by her crude language. "Sorry, I'm sorry…long day."

"Yeah, it's okay." I told her before looking down at her shirt. She was wearing a _Star Wars_ shirt and I smiled. I'd gotten her that last Christmas. "I like your shirt."

"Thanks, a total geek got it for me."

"You make fun, but you made me watch all the movies in one night." I reminded her. "Have you eaten anything since cheer practice?" I heard her stomach growl when we walked over here.

"No." She said bashfully.

"I have food in my bag." I grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the back room. "Well be right back." I told Marley who's eyes followed us all the way into the room. I reached into my bag, pulled out a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and handed Brittany the sandwich.

"No, you take half." She ripped the sandwich in half and handed me the bigger portion. We took a bite into our halves of the sandwich at the same time. "Why is it that when you make food it tastes so good?"

"It's pb&j." I said with a smile.

"But it tastes so good." She said before wrapping her arms around my neck. "Guess what?"

"What?" I asked as I rested my hands on the table behind me while Brittany refused to let go of me. I didn't mind, she was warm, and I was happy that her sour mood had went away.

"That Marley girl looks hella jealous." She said with a smirk.

"Did you just say _hella_? Weirdo." Brittany pinched my cheeks and giggled. "Wait, why is she jealous?"

"Because you took me in the back room, duh." Brittany said nudging my shoulder. "Let's mess with her." Brittany said as she walked over and closed the door loudly.

"What are we doing?" I asked her. All she did was smile and wave me over. I walked until she grabbed me and spun me and pushed my back against the door. I laughed but Brittany covered my mouth and told me to shut up. "Britt."

"Come on let's just mess with her." Brittany said.

"How?"

"Like this." Brittany hit her palm against the door; I was going to ask her what the hell she was doing until she began hitting the door at a rhythmic pace. I started smiling, it was obvious what she was doing, and I have to say that it was funny. If anyone had heard the sounds from the back room they would think that we were having a lot more fun than just came from talking. "God Santana that feels so good!" Brittany said loudly. She intertwined our hands and pushed them up above my hand.

"Stop." I whispered.

"Baby, you are fucking amazing!" I wanted to tell her to stop again, but she buried her head into the crook of my neck, and tried to contain her laughter. I'll admit, it was amusing, I'm sure Marley was confused as ever out there, a part of me was worried that Marley would actually take this seriously, a part of me thought she'd figure out it was a fluke right away. I didn't have time to process everything, because Brittany was moaning into my ear a second later, and that's when I decided it was enough.

"Okay, okay, stop." I pulled my hands away from her and gave her a warning look. "I think she gets the point."

"Get out your phone."

"Why?"

"So we can take a picture of her face." Brittany said with a grin.

"Everyone thinks you're such an angel." I told her. "If only they knew, you're such a troublemaker."

"I know." She opened the door, grabbed my hand, and pulled me out towards the front counter. Marley was standing there chewing gum and watching us. "So…wanna pick me up for school tomorrow?" She asked me.

"Sure that works." Brittany gave me a hug before she gave Marley the worst faux smile I'd ever seen. Brittany blew me a kiss before leaving. I'd probably have to call her later and chastise her for completely over doing it. But I did sort of like when Brittany goes out on a limb. "What time do we close?" I asked Marley as I tried to cover up my smile.

"Are you kidding?"

"No, why would I kid about an actual question?" I questioned.

"Wipe that smug look off your face." Marley said rolling her eyes. I leaned against the counter and smiled. I couldn't really keep up this act for much longer, I didn't know how to be confident or cocky. "I could hear you guys back there you know."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"No idea, huh?"

"None." I said with a sly grin.

…

"How was your first day?" My mom asked as she sat down on the edge of my bed. "I mean you didn't get fired right?"

"No, I had fun, there's another girl working there and I don't really know how to feel about her. She's okay I guess, too intuitive maybe." I said with a shrug.

"You're the only person in history that would ever say someone is too intuitive." She commented with a smile. "Did you eat your snack?"

"Brittany showed up and I split it with her. Oh and, can I pick her up tomorrow morning for school?" I knew the answer before I even asked. She would say yes. She always says yes when it involves Brittany. She trusts her and loves her like a second daughter.

"You don't need to ask."

"Am I okay?" It felt like that came form nowhere, but words don't just come from nothing. They come from a feeling, a reaction, an action. It felt like I was breaking the fourth wall, it felt like my words were overshadowing my heart.

"What do you mean by that?"

"I don't know, but I know you love me, and I hope to God that you know what the hell I mean, because I don't." She looked at me and wrapped her arms around me.

"It's okay." That's when the tears came, because I've heard people say that a million times. _It's okay_, but those words never felt right. A few days ago I freaked out because I thought someone might think Brittany was flirting with me, and today I let someone think that Brittany and I were hooking up. I didn't make sense. My actions, my words, my feelings didn't make sense.

I just needed someone to show me what to do, not tell me, but show me. I needed a guide. Something to get me through life, a light at the end of the tunnel. Right now I felt like I was drowning. "Mommy, I just want to be normal." I was fucking drowning.

**A/N: If it feels like Santana's emotions are jumbled, that's because they are, and I'm trying to portray that as best as I can. If you're still confused, you're totally meant to be so don't worry. Review please. **


	7. Goodnight, Not Goodbye

**A/N: So to the wonderful readers thank you again for your support. To the Guest wondering about the **_**East Egg**_** yes it is indeed a reference to The Great Gatsby. To the other Guest wondering about Fran, don't worry I would never just leave her character out to dry, she seemed important and she is. Enjoy.**

**Song Suggestion "Salvation Dear" by Greg Laswell**

~It's just that goodnight is easier than goodbye.

I'm already sold on ending up alone.~

I knew that there was something wrong the day that I came back from the institution. I knew because my mom picked me up and took me to get ice cream, and even when I told her I didn't want fudge on top of my sundae, she still ordered it and I watched it melt for 30 minutes before she even said anything about it.

When we drove home, she played Bob Dylan songs, and I was too nervous to see my father when I got there to even change the station. We were silent, usually we talked about stupid things if we couldn't find something to talk about, this time it was nothing but silence. That's when I started thinking about the last day I'd spent in Ohio, and it was hazy and weird because I couldn't remember a damn thing.

On that drive home, I felt crazier than I ever had that entire summer in that godforsaken institution.

Everything's been tense. Everything's been distracting and terrifying, but I can't seem to talk about it. Not even with Brittany. I walked down the hallway with my backpack on my shoulders, I had a free period right now, but I wasn't motivated to do my homework. I looked into the classroom and spotted Quinn, she absent mindedly looked towards the door and spotted me. I waved and continued walking down the hallway.

I was almost at my locker when I heard Quinn call out my name. I turned around and she jogged over to catch up to me. "Quinn, what are you doing? Shouldn't you be in class?" Quinn laughed and wrapped her arm around my shoulders. She looked happy, and I wondered why but I was too focused on everything else to ask. I made it to my locker and began opening it while Quinn popped a piece of gum into her mouth.

"I thought you wanted me to come out here." Quinn said as she grabbed one of the books that I'd gotten from East Egg yesterday. "Plus I was bored out of my shit anyway."

"Yeah but won't you get in trouble?" I asked her before taking the book out of her hands.

"Not unless you rat me out, which you won't." Quinn smiled at me. "So how's the job going?" Her tone was quiet, like she was tip-toeing around the matter, and I had no idea why. That was until I thought about Brittany, and how she must tell Quinn everything and that was why Quinn was asking me what happened.

"Good, it's simple and fun-."

"I heard Marley works there." It wasn't only that she heard, it was that Brittany told her and she knew. "Is she cool? Does she annoy you?" I needed to talk to Brittany, to tell her not to tell Quinn about everything. I would never speak about any of this stuff outside of the bookstore or in the moment, but Quinn would approach and smack Marley if she thought Marley was even thinking of bothering me.

"She's fine, normal and nice." I told Quinn. I was about to leave so I would know that she'd go back to class, but she rushed over and stood in front of me.

"Wait, I forgot to tell you about Fran..." I looked up and met her eyes. The last time Fran and I talked was tense to say the least. I wonder if there was something going on. Did something happen to Fran? I'd have to regret the last time we talked for the rest of my life if it did. "Next week when Brittany have our tournament-."

"In California, right?" I don't know why I asked that because I knew exactly where it was. I just wanted to stop some of my anxiety, but it didn't work.

"Yeah in California...well Fran's coming and she wants you to come too." I looked down at my feet and then walked away, because I had no idea what to say. I had no idea how I felt about that. "Jesus, just wait." Quinn said grabbing a hold of my arm. "What the hell Santana?"

"I'm not going, I don't think I can. My parents might say no-."

"What are you even saying? Your parents would love for you to come with us. Look...maybe you can just talk to Fran." Quinn suggested.

"Okay...I'll talk to her." I promised, deciding that if I wanted to go with Quinn and Brittany then I would just have to put my problems aside and give Fran a little bit of a chance. "You should go back to class."

"Yes ma'am." Quinn joked as she ran down the hallway and went back into her classroom.

...

Brittany walked into my room and I got up to close the door behind her. She sat down on my bed and laughed. "Why'd you close your door?" There were too many things to say so I didn't say anything. Instead I grabbed my computer from off my bed and set it down on my desk. I sat down and continued typing my English paper. "San..." Brittany got up and walked over, she sat down on the top of my desk, and crossed her legs, one over the other. I couldn't focus on my screen without noticing her short shorts and long legs extending almost to the ground.

"Hmm?"

"You look distracted." She said before resting her hand on top of the one I was using to type my paper. Well that was one way to get me to stop typing.

"I'm not." I told her. She grabbed my hand and placed it on her knee, I didn't know what she was doing and I didn't ask. I didn't ask when when she was slowly moving my hand up higher at a snail's pace. "Britt, what are you doing?"

"What's distracting you?" She questioned still moving my hand up her thigh.

"You are." I told her truthfully, I was drawn to her eyes, not to her body, I tried to ignore the butterflies in my stomach, the fire I felt under my fingertips.

"No, it's something else."

"It's Fran, Quinn said that Fran was going to your tournament next weekend, and she wanted me to come." I stood up and pulled my hand away like it really was on fire. "And last time she and I talked was-."

"Tense I know, I got the aftermath of it with her." Brittany said. "But what else, there's something else."

"My parents I guess." I said with a shrug. "I think..." I trailed off as Brittany walked over and sat down on my bed next to me.

"You think what?"

"I think they might be getting a divorce because of me." I told her. "It's been weird between them, I haven't even talked to my dad in a while, he's been more reserved than me. And they're always gone, usually they would fight to stay home with me, now my dad practically begs to leave. So what should I do?" I wasn't even asking Brittany, it was enough to say it out loud.

"Are your mom about it?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I can't." I told her. I took off my shoes and got under my covers, bringing them over my head so I could think for a moment. I had all of 15 seconds before Brittany was climbing under my covers with me. "Britt, I'm trying to think."

"I know, but this isn't something you're supposed to think about. It isn't your job." Brittany explained. "Your job isn't to understand what other people are feeling, San." Brittany grabbed onto my hands, and I didn't even think to pull away. "What are you feeling right now?" I knew for certain that I couldn't think, I never for certain that I felt unsure and insecure, and it wasn't Brittany who was making me feel that way.

"What do you want from me?" I asked her.

"What?" She said.

"Don't you feel it? Don't you feel the weirdness between us?" I asked her wondering if it was me just overanalyzing things like I overanalyze everything.

"I don't want to feel that way." Brittany said quietly. "You have to come with us to California, please. I don't care if you'd want to spend the entire time with Quinn because it's easier-."

"Easier how?" I asked.

"I think you already know the answer to that." I wondered why we were still under the covers. I wondered why I never once thought about just stopping our friendship. She was right, it would've been easier. "I want you to come with us. We'd have a fun plane ride, and I don't think I could go on the plan without drugs unless you were there with me."

"You took drugs to go to Jamaica on a plane?" I asked her. I thought about the drugs I took this summer, the drugs they made me take. Well I took them until Lily, a sadistic pathological liar, showed me how to hide them instead. I don't like the way they make me feel, but sometimes my mom reminds me to take them and I find it too hard to lie to her, so I do.

"Yeah, sleeping pills." Brittany said. "If you come with us then, you won't have to think about your parents." It was tempting, being away from home would be nice, but it might be difficult to get a day off from work, especially this early in the job. Maybe I could talk to Marley and ask her how I should go about things.

"Okay I'll ask my mom."

"Fran said she'd take us to a party when we're in Cali, are you okay with that?" Brittany asked.

"I dunno, maybe. It'll be different being around college aged kids." I said. "They'll be more aggressive."

"I'll be your date again, then. I'll protect you from all the guys drooling over you." Brittany said with a smile.

"How do I protect you?" I asked her.

"San?" Brittany said.

"Yeah."

"Hold out your arm." I did so and she held out her arm too. So there we were, under the covers with our arms outstretched.

"What are we doing?" I asked her.

"I want to practice kissing." She said before grabbing a hold of my arm. "Hold onto my arm." She said and so I did. "Same time okay." I nodded and we kissed one another's arms, like 2nd graders practicing for their first kiss. Brittany's lips for smooth and warm, and even though I was sure that Brittany had been kissed before, this was still fun. Or stupid. It might have been stupid too.

"Your skin is super soft B." I told her as I let go of her arm.

"You're really gentle, I mean of course you would be." I heard my door open and I pulled the covers down as soon as my mom walked into the room.

"What are you two doing?" My mom asked eyeing us suspiciously. "Brittany, what are you doing?"

"Nothing mama L, I promise." Brittany got out from under the covers. "We were actually talking about San going to California next weekend with us. Would you be okay with that?" I didn't like that Brittany was asking for me, but I knew it would make things easier. No one could say no to Brittany, especially not my mom.

"Can I go in her suitcase?" My mom joked. "And of course I'm okay with that, it sounds like a lot of fun." My mom gave me a small nod. "San, we'll talk to your father and get him on board with it." I nodded and watched as she left my room. She left the door open like I knew she would.

"You didn't have to do that."

"I did."

"What's it like knowing people won't ever say no to you. What's it like getting everything you want?" I asked her.

"That's not true." She said. "I don't get everything that I want."

...

I walked into East Egg and Marley was sitting behind the counter reading a book. I didn't say anything until she looked up and smiled at me. I smiled back, but all I really wanted to know was where Mr. Kingston was. "He's on his way." She said answering my un-asked question without a moment of hesitation.

"Well are there some books to sort? I don't really know what I should be doing." Marley closed her book completely.

"I'm gonna be sad when you get used to working here. You're cute when you're clueless." She tossed me the book and I caught it. Brave New World. "Put that up will ya?" What was her angle? Seeing how far she could push me? Proving that she had control over me? Whatever it was, it made me upset and I put the book on the counter.

"Put it up yourself." I told her. I glared at her and looked down before my anger cracked.

She walked around the counter and grabbed the book. "You're fucking feisty when you need to be, I like that." Our eyes met for a brief second before she walked over and put the book where it belonged. She walked over and leaned against the counter right in front of me. "Why were you looking for Mr. Kingston?"

"Because he's my boss." I told her.

"I wonder how long he's going to keep you here once he figure out that you were screwing Brittany in the back room." My body froze, I lost all feeling in that moment. I felt like I was sinking and clawing at the surface and I couldn't move.

"We weren't! It was a joke to mess with you." I assured her. "Did you tell him?" She shrugged and tried to walk back to the other side of the counter, I followed her closely until I grabbed her shirt and pushed her back against the back of the counter. "You didn't tell him, right? You didn't, right?" Her pupils dilated and she licked her lips before smirking at me.

"You gonna beat it out of me?" I didn't understand how things ended up like this. I'd only worked here for a week, why was she suddenly giving me such a hard time.

"No." I said relaxing my face and letting go of her shirt. I took a step back. "Sorry."

"I didn't say a word to him." She promised me. "But I still think that you should save your hook-ups for home."

"I just told you we were only messing with you. Nothing happened, we're friends."

"Okay." She said like she didn't believe me. I didn't know why I even cared what she thought, it shouldn't affect me this much. She started walking towards the back room and I didn't know what to do. The store was open and she should be staying at the cash register, I hadn't learned how to use it yet. I rushed over to the front door and flipped the sign to Closed before I walked into the backroom where Marley was casually sitting down.

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing." She said calmly. "Can you come here for a second?" I walked over and sat down on the chair next to her. I was about to ask what she wanted when she spoke again. "Do you know how hot you are?"

"W-what are you t-talking about?" I asked her.

"I'm just wondering how stupid Brittany has to be to ignore the fact that she's got someone like you right in front of her." This was getting too strange for me.

"We should go back to the front room. Mr. Kingston might get upset if we don't." I left before she could respond or follow. The last thing I wanted was someone like Marley telling me about my friendship, I wasn't sure about what I wanted all the time, but I was sure of that.

...

I pressed the call button and waited for her to pick up. It took two rings and half of a third before I heard the click. "Hello."

"Hey Fran, it's me." For some reason I knew she'd know who it was, even without me saying my name. I couldn't make this call in my house so after I gt home from work I went for a walk, and now, as I'm halfway down my street and the stars are guilding my footsteps, I called her.

"Did Quinn tell you? Is that why you're calling?" She asked, I nodded until I realized that she couldn't see me.

"Yeah, she told me that you wanted me to come to California."

"I told her not to say that." Fran sounded frustrated. "I didn't want you to...well I thought maybe you wouldn't come if you knew that I wanted you there."

"Brittany wants me there too and so does Quinn." I hesitated before I said the last thing on my mind. "And so do my parents."

"Your parents? What do you mean?"

"Nothing I just...when we're in California can I stay with you?" I asked her.

"With me? I thought you'd want to share a room with Brittany and Quinnie." I shook my head no and again felt stupid because she couldn't see me.

"No, I just...things are starting to make sense in my mind and that complicates things." I explained knowing full well that this was a cop out, Marley, although annoying and abrasive, was also showing me how I felt in subtle ways. I just knew that I couldn't talk to anyone about this, except Fran.

"Are you safe?" She asked.

"Yeah."

"Is your mind safe?" She questioned.

"I think so." I responded.

"Is your heart safe?" I had to think about that question for a little longer. Was my heart safe? Physically, trapped behind the hardened bones of my rib cage, and the metal rod keeping one rib together was my stronghold. Emotionally, I sometimes felt my heart melt and sink down into my stomach, sometimes I felt it harden until the pressure was too much and it would crack.

"No Frannie, I don't think it is."

"We'll fix it then. When you come out here, I'll help you protect your heart okay?"

"Okay."

"Goodbye." She said but didn't hang up I could tell she was waiting for my goodbye.

"Don't say goodbye Frannie, just say goodnight. Goodnight is easy, goodbye is forever."

**A/N: I'm sure there will be a lot of questions, like what is Brittany feeling, what is Marley's deal, what's California going to be like, and I hope you're asking yourself those, because of course they'll be addressed. Review please. **


	8. Tell Me

**A/N: So I am overwhelmed by the love I'm receiving for this story. God, the Brittana fandom is so lovely. Also I think it's hilarious that I always get review in clumps of time, like do you all read at the same time? I'd like to direct you all to a tumblr account that publishes fanfics as eBooks, one of my pezberry stories (Wake) will be published soon, but you guys should check it out. Suggest a story and they'll try their best to make it into an eBook, I think it's great.**

**Song Suggestion: "Going to California" by Led Zeppelin**

_~Going to California with an aching in my heart. _

_Someone told me there's a girl out there with love in her eyes and flowers in her hair.~_

I was nervous, I don't know what made me feel that way, it wasn't the plane, it wasn't even the fact that I was stuck against the window, it was that Brittany insisted on sitting next to me and holding my hand even when we were comfortably in the air. "Are you going to be okay?" This is the first time that I'd ever asked her that, or the first time from what I could remember. She ran her fingers over my open palm, and smiled.

"Of course I'm okay, I'm here with you." She moved the arm rest between us, so that we could sit shoulder to shoulder. "I talked to Fran." I already knew where this was going before she even continued. I didn't want things to be like this, I should've told Brittany myself but I didn't know how to bring it up. With work and school and all of her practices I couldn't find a time to talk about it before we got on the plane. "She said that you wanted to stay with her but not with Quinn and I. I don't get it." Maybe there was nothing to get, maybe I just thought I'd be able to breathe with Fran around. Maybe she'd be observing me the whole time and writing notes in her journal, but at least I wasn't immediately drawn to her touch and her eyes every time I looked at her, like I was with Brittany.

"Fran and I need time to talk." I said simply.

"Don't you trust me?" I didn't want her to feel bad, but I didn't know how to tell her that I needed to talk with Fran about her. "Don't I make you smile?"

"Of course you make me smile, of course I trust you it's just...this is different." She didn't understand and to be honest neither did I. Part of me gets why sometimes things can be tough with Brittany, because even if I am mad at her, it's too difficult to say it, but with Fran I can be mad at her and tell her, without trying to analyze how I feel about it. Brittany complicates things, everything about her..._us_, it's hard for me to describe. "And I feel out of place." That was the truth, being surrounded by cheerleaders wanting to paint each others nails and talk about going to second base with their girlfriends, was always too overwhelming for me. And I knew that even though Quinn constantly said that she wanted me there, I was more of an afterthought when it came to things like this. "I want to go to a bookstore-."

"So I'll take you, we'll go." But I didn't want her to put her life on hold for me. That's not how friendships were, that's how marriages went and based on how things were looking with my parents, marriage was hell. "You scare me when you do this, I want to be with you..._there with you _I mean." I knew what she meant or I hoped I did, and she looked at me and smiled. "Can we at least go out to dinner, you, me, Quinn, and Fran...it would be fun." I liked the suggestion. I really couldn't deal with spending a whole day without Brittany so I hoped we could hang out at some point tonight.

"Yeah, that sounds fun." I told her. "How long do we have before we land?" I asked her.

"3 hours...can I...?" She laid down on my lap and curled up close to me. She looked up at me and smiled again. "Look at you."

"What? Is there something on my face?" I asked her.

"No." She pushed my hair out of my face and just looked at me for a moment. We stared at one another for awhile before her smile faded. "No, there's nothing on your face."

+0+

We got off the plan and Fran met us by our luggage pick up. Her smile caught the attention of Brittany from about 100 feet away. She made a sign for us, and while Quinn was hugging her sister, Brittany and I walked over to wait for our luggage. We didn't want to ruin their moment, it was important for them to have their time too. "Doesn't Fran look so good?I think she's been working out." Brittany said tapping my shoulder until I turned around and looked at Fran myself. It was true, Fran's dress was nice, her hair was up, and she was even wearing lipstick. Maybe she was trying to show off for someone, more likely, she was probably trying to make sure people knew the difference between her and Quinn.

I grabbed my bag and then Brittany's before we rolled our suitcases over by Fran and Quinn. "Quinn was just asking about dinner. Apparently a lot of the other cheerleaders are eating at the hotel, but since I drove, I was thinking of taking you guys somewhere. Would that be alright?"

"Yes!" Brittany said grabbing onto my hand. "Can we go to the hotel, change first, and then go?" Brittany asked. Fran was already nodding and saying how much fun it was to be back in California. Apparently she'd been here last year, but I didn't really ask her about it. Fran and I didn't talk directly until Brittany and Quinn had to go inside to change and even then it all felt weird.

"How was the plane ride?" She asked.

"Quiet, we didn't crash so that was nice." Fran smiled and patted the empty passenger's side seat. I got out of the car and moved up front so I could sit next to her. "So it's okay if I stay with you? Now I realize how weird it must be for you-."

"Not weird." Fran said. "I just have to make sure that you're okay, and if it takes you coming out to California to talk to me to figure stuff out then so be it. Plus after last time I thought..." She looked over at me and clicked her car lights on, off, and then on again before looking away from me. "Maybe you hated me."

"I don't hate anyone." Sometimes I hate myself, but I don't actually hate anyone else. "Certainly not you."

"I know what it is." Fran said as Quinn and Brittany approached the car. I wanted to ask Fran what she knew, how she knew, but Quinn and Brittany got into the car before I could. I wondered if Fran had talked to my mom. Maybe she knew about the institution or maybe she knew about the possible divorce, but how could she? How?

"Ready?" Fran asked. Brittany, from the backseat, pulled my seatbelt on and I smiled to myself. We all nodded and Fran drove about 20 minutes to this small restaurant called _Catcher in the Frye_. We got out of the car, and this was the first time I actually got to see Brittany's outfit. She was wearing a green and white sundress, with a white belt around the waist, and white three inch heels. Her hair was pulled back into a tight ponytail, and I felt ridiculous in my skinny jeans and white tank top.

When we walked into the restaurant, Brittany made sure to sit next to me, while Quinn and Frannie sat on the same side. We were each handed our menus but Brittany insisted we share menus and food, for that matter, and I didn't really mind in the slightest. "Those chicken tenders look good." I nodded my head and looked up when Fran laughed. Quinn covered her mouth but looked back at her menu.

"What's so funny?" I asked them but neither one of them looked willing to share.

"What about pasta?" Brittany asked getting my attention again. I looked at the menu and the picture of pasta there, it looked delicious.

"Yeah let's get pasta." I told her. She ordered for me, while Fran and I played eye contact chicken for a while during Quinn's rant about the opposing squads. She was passionate about cheerleading, and it seemed silly, mostly to people who didn't understand it. Cheerleading wasn't some frilly game, it was a sport, Brittany and Quinn were athletes, and I admired them. It was interesting to hear all the tales of their competitions, I knew their rivals, I knew the girls who Quinn hated, and I could probably point them out just by the way she'd described them.

"All this drama, thank God I'm not still in high school." Fran said with a laugh. "Isn't it funny when we look at it from the outside San?" I nodded because truly it could be hilarious at times. Our food arrived and Brittany took the first bite.

"It's so good, try it." She urged and I did, and of course she was right, it was beyond tasty. "San you got a little..." Brittany giggled and used her thumb to wipe the red sauce off the corner of my mouth. "There."

"Brittany I love your dress, where'd you get it?" Frannie asked her.

"H&M, my mom got it for me just for this trip." Brittany said with a warm smile.

"It's cute, San, don't you think she looks cute in it?" Fran asked me. I was still chewing so all I did was nod, nodding was better than talking anyway. "Brittany, seriously, I need the low down. Why are you dating anyone? No one's good enough for you?" To say that I wasn't interested would be a lie, but I couldn't bring myself to listen fully, it was too difficult.

"I'm picky." Brittany said with a shrug.

"Lame, come on, what do you want? What makes you go crazy for someone?" Quinn asked Brittany. "Oh I know! Cute smile."

"Who doesn't like a cute smile, Quinnie? Obviously Brittany likes that." Fran started.

"You know when someone does that cute little half smile...I love that." Brittany confessed. "Seriously, it sounds so dumb but it's so true." I let Brittany finish the rest of the pasta while I texted my mom to let her know that everything was going fine. "I'm weird when it comes to stuff like this, I like a lot I don't like a lot, you know." But I didn't know, and I wanted to know.

"So we should probably get back to the hotel, Sue will want us to practice tomorrow morning." Quinn said as she placed a 20 on the table to pay for her meal.

"What time does the competition start tomorrow?" I asked.

"At 11, you guys can sit with the rest of the parents, it's really close to the judging panel." Brittany explained. Brittany reached into her handbag and I stopped her before she could get her money. "What? What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I'll just pay for us both." We paid and just as we were about to leave the restaurant Brittany grabbed onto my hand.

"Quinn, you can sit up front." Brittany yelled out to Quinn who happily ran to the passenger's side seat. Brittany and I got in the back, and I sort of realized 5 minutes into the drive, that we were back there just so that we could keep stealing glances at one another, like this was the first time we'd met. We made it back to their hotel, and Quinn got out of the car, I turned to say goodbye to Brittany but she was already looking at me. She kissed me quickly on cheek and slid out of the car waving as she left.

On the way back I stayed in the back, I knew Fran saw Brittany kiss me, but I didn't say anything about it.

+0+

I tugged on my pajama pants and sat down on the couch, Fran was just finishing up a text, and when she was done she walked over and sat down next to me. I looked at her and smiled, but then it faded too quickly. I forgot.

I never had to pretend with Fran. "What did you mean when you said you knew what it was? What did that mean?" I asked quietly.

"I just...I won't say it, because I know what it feels like to have someone tell you how you feel. How to feel. It's not okay, and I'm not going to do that to you." Fran promised. "But I saw the way you were, and I know you're different with her, I know she changes you."

"But I'm still me, I'm still here." She shook her head. I didn't know how to finish what I was saying so I asked her to continue, not with my words, with my eyes.

"You don't have to be afraid of feeling...spiders are scary, sharks are scary...but emotions, feelings, they aren't." Fran rested her hand on my shoulder. "And...I see the way you look at her-."

"That's not..." I stopped myself, what was I trying to say, what was I trying to defend? "You're right, feeling is easy, but with her I don't know how I feel. Sometimes it's right and sometimes it's wrong. What do I do about that?" I knew Fran didn't know everything, but she knew a lot. She could help me, maybe she could just tell me how to forget all about it, maybe she could tell me how to be okay again.

"I'm not going to tell you how to feel-."

"Well then help me. I told her I loved her." I stood up and ran my fingers through my hair. "Do you have any idea how crazy that makes me feel? Do you have any idea how hard this is?" Of course she didn't there was no point in asking.

"Kiss her, just once, show her, tell her, I know she means something to you, what are you afraid of? It isn't rejection, because you know she won't hurt you." Fran stood up and walked over next to me. I just kept staring out the window, running through scenarios in my mind. Nothing seemed right, nothing could be right.

"No, this scares me." I crossed my arms over my chest, I needed to cut myself off, what was I thinking earlier? Nothing about this was okay. I wasn't supposed to feel like this.

"You know the one person who's always been there for you. You know that Brittany is perfect in her own way." Fran began. "So don't you dare run away from that." She grabbed my hand and I pulled away quickly. "Who the hell taught you that loving is wrong?" It must have been the institution, it must have been that old woman who used to sit in the corner with no visitors for the whole summer. It was easy to see how people could love someone until they didn't or until they went crazy. "Tell me what Brittany is to you. Right now. Tell me." She demanded. That was the first time either one of us said Brittany's name since the conversation had started. "San, tell me-."

"She fucking means everything okay, so fucking what? So I'm supposed to just stop everything?" Fran just stared at me, she didn't know what to say. For once she was at a loss.

"What happened? What made you so jaded?" She asked.

"Life happened." I told her. "I just want to kiss her, because I know I need to be around her, I'm not stupid. But if I kiss her then I'll prove it." I looked down at my hands. "She's beautiful, everything about her is perfect."

"How long have you been in love with her?" Fran questioned.

"Forever I guess. I can't remember when it started." I opened the balcony door and walked out, Fran followed. It was going to rain I could feel it in the air. "I've never been with anyone. She's kissed me on the cheek, and we hold hands sometimes, but...I don't know what to do. How to approach it, how to speak about it."

"Walk up to her, grab the front of her shirt and kiss her." Fran said with a wink. I rolled my eyes and continued looking out towards the parking lot under us.

"That won't work." I told her.

"It will, I swear it will. Oh look at you, you're doing it! The little half smile Brittany was talking about. You're doing it right now." I tried to cover my mouth, but Fran pulled my hand away. "She was talking about you, did you know that?"

"Are you drunk?" I asked her.

"You two are both stupid, just kiss each other, jeez." I smiled because it felt okay to be okay about this. Maybe that would change when I saw Brittany tomorrow, but for now it was nice. "Does Quinn know?"

"No, how could she?" I questioned.

"So...I get it, you wanted to stay with me to keep yourself from wanting to kiss her." Fran said with a nod. "You wanna be any cuter?"

"I am not cute." I told her.

"Brittany sure thinks so." She said with a laugh.

"Shut up."

"Brittany and Sanni sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"

**A/N: Next chapter, more California, and more Brittany and Santana, much more. If you guys want to talk with me about the story, TV, life, anything just message me on my tumblr: bacon-lauren-tamsin. Review please. **


	9. Game

**A/N: I tried to get this one done as quickly as I could. I might have rushed it a little too much, but I'm sure you guys will tell me what you think of it. **

**Song Suggestion: "Running Up That Hill" by Placebo**

_~So much hate for the ones we love._

_Tell me, we both matter, don't we_? _You, be running up that hill  
You and me, be running up that hill  
You and me won't be unhappy_.~

And the truth was, I hated her. That was the hardest thing to realize. I remember every single session in that damn place, and all they wanted to know, over and over and over...was who I really loved. It wasn't fair though, it hurt me like nothing else. So I just told them, that I hated Brittany, that I hated her, and I left to get away from her. That she was the cause of it all.

And I said that over and over and over...until I didn't. Until I saw her again, and I fell, harder than before, I just fell. We used to be closer I think, maybe we weren't, but it felt like it. Two peas in a pod, inseparable. I miss those moments, when nothing ever mattered. Now everything had to matter, especially after I told Fran all those things last night.

I have no idea what I was thinking.

When Fran and I arrived at the building, the parking lot was packed. I knew that there were multiple auditoriums where different divisions of squads would perform so I wasn't too worried about finding a spot. Fran walked in ahead of me, I suspected so she could pay for my ticket but I wasn't actually sure. "How do you feel?" She asked me as the woman sitting behind the table with a cash box and mounds of tickets stamped my hand. "I mean after last night?"

We walked down the aisle, the competition would be starting in 30 minutes, but Fran and I had woken up and gotten breakfast early so we could get good seats. When we finally sat down I realized I hadn't responded and Fran had been waiting for over five minutes. "I'm fine."

"That's it?" She questioned.

"Yep." We both looked at the programs, flipping through and seeing where all the squads were from, making fun of their mascots and spotting all the girls with fake tans. While we were making fun of the girls from Arizona, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and Gabrielle was standing there in full uniform. I looked up at her curiously, they weren't performing first, but she certainly wasn't supposed to be out here. "Hi Gabby, everything okay?"

"No, it's Britt. She said she wanted to say hi to you guys before we went on. She's a little nervous." Fran and I got up, I took off my hoodie and placed it over my seat along with the program, I wanted to make sure I'd have my spot when I returned.

"Okay, will you take us back?" Gabrielle led the way and I followed closely. I didn't like the looks I was getting, Fran was confident and older, I wished they would all just look at her. "Where is she?" I asked once we'd made it to the section where just about all of the WMHS cheerleaders were texting or listening to music. I could see a small group of JV girls, who weren't actually performing, except if backup was need, practicing the routine off to the side.

No Brittany in sight.

"She's in the dressing room. There are booths lined up, like 4 by 4 in size, we have 8 reserved for our squad so we can change uniforms and stuff. Brittany's in the 3rd one." It wasn't hard finding the booths, the back of the stage was larger than a warehouse, but there were signs point to them. I found WMHS booth three in no time.

The booths looked like latrines, only I could see that they were clean, and had this carpeted material at the bottom. I knocked at the door. No answer. And then again. No answer.

"Britt it's me." She swung open the door and yanked me inside. There were no mirrors, no lights, just us, inches apart in this box. "Britt I can barely..." _Move_.

"I'm so nervous, look at me, I'm a wreck, San...help me." Like I should ever be helping anyone. I couldn't help a soul, if I could barely even function myself. Even in the dark I could see her blue orbs staring at me. She was waiting and I had no idea what to do. I kept hearing a voice in the back of my mind. _Kiss her. Do it. Just kiss her._

But I didn't.

"Did you try like breathing slowly, or like...listening to music?" I asked her. She shook her head no. I was going to ask her if she wanted to borrow my Ipod when my phone buzzed in my pocket. I reached in and pulled it out. I'd just recieved a text from Fran.

**[From Frannie]:** _What are you guys doing in there? Kissing?_

I, of course, am a giant clutz, and it fell down to the ground. "Shit." I mumbled before bending down and picking it up. When I stood again in front of Brittany I could feel her breath against my lips. She'd moved closer. Or maybe I did. I put my phone back into my pocket, leaving the text message unopened.

"My muscles feel really tight, could you like...I dunno, a massage would be nice." I didn't move, I don't think I was even breathing at this point.

"In here? I don't know how, what if I hurt you?" She was already turning around, I knew she wasn't going to let me back out of this.

"You're not going to." Those words stuck in the air for longer than either one of us anticipated. My hands were hovering above her back, the red fabric of her uniform was so close I could feel the fibers grazing my fingertips. "It's okay, you can touch me." So I did, gently at first, too gently. Even I knew I was being timid.

But I really didn't want to hurt her.

"Hold on." She whispered, before unzipping the back of her uniform and pulling it down. I'd never been more thankful for the darkness than I was right now. I could see her shoulders, only crossed by the straps of her bra. From her bra to her hips, nothing, but her bare skin. "Is this okay?" This time I didn't feel like I had to hold back, this time I knew she was opening up herself more than she should have, more than she wanted to. My hands moved from her shoulders, lower, and lower, and with every touch we moved closer and closer together. "That feel really good."

All of her quiet whimpers and moans already let me know that. The knocking against the door broke us both out of it. Out of what, neither of us were sure of. "You ready?" I asked Brittany as she zipped up her uniform. She took her hair out of her ponytail, I assumed to re-do it. Before I knew it she pushed forward and kissed my cheek.

"Thanks Sanni." She said before opening the door and jogging off to get in her position by the other Cheerios. They were on deck right now. When I walked out Frannie was standing there with a look of mild disbelief on her face.

"What were you two doing in there?" Her eyes were wide, and I just wanted to get back to our seats and make sure we'd be able to see them perform. "I was out here for a little more than two seconds and I heard her...were you...because those sounds-."

"No." I assured her before I started back the way we came. Fran followed closely, until we made it back to her seats. I realized that I'd made a mistake, because now I had nowhere to run.

"What the hell were you guys doing?" She asked.

"Her muscles were tight, she was nervous, I just helped her relax." I explained.

"By fucking her?!" Half of the parents in our section turned and looked at Fran, who waited for them to look away before adding. "I said to kiss her, Jesus, is your hearing defected?"

"I gave her a massage. That's all, end of story. Nothing happened and nothing is going to happen." The lights started dimming, that meant for everyone to shut up and look at the stage. I found myself looking everywhere but the stage. When the music finally started I looked up, and I was blown away within the first three seconds.

Brittany was moving through the air, effortlessly, flip after backflip after flip, she was their opener, there was no way they were going to lose.

And they didn't.

+0+

The celebration must have been wild. All I know is that they cost 600 dollars worth of damage in the hotel rooms, and I didn't see Quinn or Brittany until the next day. I was happy for them, they deserved it, and luckily for everyone our plane back to Lima was at night, and nothing shocking or even remotely eventful happened then.

By the time I made it home I was exhausted. I'd said goodbye to Fran back in California, I figured we'd make time for visits, Quinn I'd see tomorrow, but Brittany...the last time I truly saw her was when were were in that booth. Even on the plane ride home, Quinn sat in between us, and we were asleep the whole time anyway.

The wave of uncertainty hit me again as my mom drove me home from the airport. What was going to happen? Would my dad be there when I returned? If he wasn't what would I do? "How was it?"

"They won, you should've seen their routine it was awesome." I told her.

"And how was Frannie?" She questioned.

"Good." What else was there to say, the anticipation of going home was killing me. I don't think I could do it, I just couldn't. "Can you pull over?" I asked.

"What? Are you feeling sick?" Yes, I was feeling sick, pretty fucking sick. I wanted to hurl, I wanted to run. I wanted to do anything and everything but sit here and wait for the next person to tell me that my world was going to fall apart.

"I need air." I said. She was slowly down, I waited until she was close enough for a full stop and I jumped out. She was yelling at me, saying that I needed to come back, that it wasn't safe out here at night. "I just...m-mom, I'm gonna go to Quinn's, right away. Right now I meant." She was still following me.

"It's not safe." She said again.

"It's a few blocks, no worries mom. Please." So even though it was 11 pm she left me standing there. I could tell she wanted to stay, and I could see her stop at the end of the street and make sure I was walking the right way. She was protective, but not overprotective. She'd give her right arm if it meant I would stop acting crazy, I knew she would.

So I started walking to Quinn's house, until I wasn't walking there, and I found myself walking in the opposite direction. Moving and moving until I found myself under the shelter of a bus stop. Then suddenly I received a texts message.

**[From Brittany]: **_Are you home?_

**[To Brittany]: **_No, I'm nowhere, I'm everywhere. I'll see you tomorrow at school._

I turned off my phone, I couldn't deal with the amount of worry that was sure to be coming my way, I had my own things to deal with, stuff to avoid, stuff to be terrified of. I didn't need to add Brittany to that list.

Not yet.

+0+

School was a void, well more like a vacuum. We had an assembly in the morning, everyone was cheering for the cheerleaders for a change. I skipped out halfway through. Things were getting too loud, everything was becoming too much. It was happening again.

I stayed in the library, all day. I got through two and a half books, and before I knew it the final bell was ringing. I got up, jogging down the hallway, I was supposed to give Brittany a ride home today. I'd completely forgotten.

I made it 15 feet, 15 and a half if you counted where my untied shoelace had come to a stop. Marley was standing in front of my locker, holding her books to her chest, looking around. She spotted me, and then came the inevitable wave. I had no choice, I had to get my stuff out of my locker, and I couldn't just walk through her.

"Hi." I said. Her eyes flickers over to me and she smiled before moving over to the side.

"Hey, I was waiting for you." I could feel her eyes on my the whole time, she was rushing the conversation. It took me some time to speak occasionally, and with her eyes on my for so long, I found it difficult. "I didn't see you all day."

"Yeah I was in the library." I told her.

"You were skipping class? I knew you were a bad girl." I grabbed the rest of my books and stuffed them into my backpack. I closed my locker and pulled my backpack on.

"Not quite."

"Do you need a ride to work?" She asked sensing that I was trying to get away.

"No, I don't work today only-." She was touching my necklace, the one that Brittany had gotten me. She was touching it like it was nothing, like I'd be even remotely comfortable with this.

"This is pretty." She said with a smile. "It looks good on you." I could see Brittany approaching, I wish she'd just run so we could leave. She knew me better than anyone, and that's why she grabbed onto my hand and pulled me away from Marley like we were in some kind of rush. Once we'd made it outside and into my car, we sighed in relief.

Well I sighed and she laughed. "What if I just punched her? Seriously, what if I just walked up to her and punched her?" I smiled as I turned on the car. "I hate how she flirts with you, it's annoying."

"Why does it annoy you?" I asked her.

"Because you're too hot for her." Brittany said as I backed out of the parking lot.

"No, come on. She's pretty." I might be a little crazy but I'm not stupid. Marley was a pretty girl, brown hair and blue eyes, it was sort of a winning combination when it came down to things.

"How pretty?" Brittany asked as I pulled up to a red light.

"Pretty enough." I said with a shrug. What did these questions mean? I couldn't even figure out if I was digging myself into a hole at this point. "Why are you asking that? It doesn't mean anything." I assured her.

"Let's play a game." She suggested as we parked and headed into her house. As soon as we walked inside Izzy met us at the door, holding popsicles out for both of us. I took the blue one so Brittany could have the green.

"Hi Izzy." I said.

"San, I didn't know you were going over. Wanna go on the trampoline?" She asked hopefully.

"No runt, I'm gonna play something with San in my room." I gave Izzy an apologetic smile before Brittany and I went into her room. Our bags were tossed aside, the same routine with her shoes, until we were comfortable on her bed, lying side by side. "Back to my game."

"Is it a hard game to play?" I asked curiously. She shook her head no. She got up and closed her door, I watched her until she came back and kneeled on the bed next to me. She managed to straddle my hips without warning, again, and I started to feel like this was some kind of routine. This was what she wanted, she looked exhilarated. "Do you like doing that? Being on top of me? How does it make you feel."

Our hands came together, like it was so natural, like we'd been in this position all our lives. "It makes me feel like I'm in control. Like I can feel what you feel and how you feel it. Like I could make you feel anything you wanted."

"What do you want me to feel?" I asked. She leaned down, I have no idea how we kept ending up so close, but I didn't say a word.

"Me, Marley and Quinn. Marry, fuck, and kill. Go."

"I'm not doing that." I told her. "I'm not."

"Why's that?" She knew why, but that still didn't stop her from asking. "This should be easy, it should be so easy for us. Just let go San. Santana...just tell me what you want to do to me and we'll do it."

Her door opened and I knew it was a disaster before Brittany even moved off me. "I'm telling mom." Izzy shouted, Brittany chased her, I didn't follow. My shoes came on, then I grabbed my backpack. I didn't know if I was scared or not. In my gut I knew that Izzy wouldn't say a word about it, but I still wanted to leave. I made it to the front door, I was in the driveway when I felt the first wave of resistance from Brittany.

"So that's it, you just run every chance you get?" Brittany questioned. "Izzy won't tell she promised."

"I'm not running from you Brittany." I told her. "I'm running from me."

That when I realized, I'd been spending these past few weeks focusing on my feelings, how I perceived everything, and it was getting me nowhere. In my mind, Brittany sometimes became the catalyst, a something rather than a someone. Now I could see them, clear as day. The feelings were flooding out of her heart and seeping into her words. There wasn't going to be any running, not anymore.

**A/N: Next chapter brings a little more of the drama. Review please.**


	10. Just Hold On

**A/N: This chapter has a little bit or a lot of drama, depending on how you define drama. **

**Song Suggestion: "**_**I'm Not Human At All" **_**by Sleep Party People**

_~It's not your fault; it's my own fault.  
I'm not human at all; I have no heart. ~_

Just imagine that. Just imagine a world where feelings and emotions meant nothing. Imagine a place where the heart didn't control anything, where the brain was always right, and rationality was valued. A place where I didn't have to feel this way. A place where I didn't have to feel.

That's the world I wanted to live in, not this one.

I slammed my locker shut, even I didn't like the way that sounded, even I had trouble pulling myself out of this daze. I had to avoid Brittany, that was the plan, avoid her, avoid Quinn. I just needed to make it home and then I could breath again.

But it wasn't that easy. Avoiding them meant when they finally talked to me again they'd ask a million questions, a million questions I didn't want to answer. I just wanted to make it home, then I could focus all my energy on how fucked up things at home were. It was true, my parents were getting a divorce, because of me.

No one ever told me what that meant, not even my mother, when she slipped it into a conversation last night. She didn't want to deal with me, so I held back, I pretended I wasn't even there, I pretended I was a ghost.

"Hey." I realized I'd just been starring at my locker for the past five minutes, the hall was beginning to clear out, but Marley managed to find me. Her smile was nice, even though I wasn't in a good mood, it was sort of comforting to see that she was. I didn't have to remind myself that the world didn't revolve around me, her smile assured me that I was completely disconnected from the world around me. "What's going on?" She asked as she leaned against my locker.

"Nothing." I said all too quickly, she'd have to be a moron to believe me, and it was clear she didn't when her facial expression went soft.

"Hey come here." She was pulling me into a hug, I didn't even know what was happening. It was quick but strange, I was almost certain that I sort of pissed her off sometimes, why was she acting like this? "What's got you so down?" I kept my head down, this wasn't exactly show and tell, I wasn't about to spill my family secrets to her. "Wanna bail?" She asked with a small smile.

"You mean like skip?" I asked like an idiot because I knew exactly what she was talking about.

"Yeah, like hooky, come on join me on the dark side underclassman." Despite the fact that Marley occasionally rubbed me the wrong way, I still thought she was nice. I didn't answer I just started following her towards the doors. Was I even thinking anymore? Was I even able to think anymore? I didn't care, I just wanted out of this place.

I should've told my mom before, about how the school feels like an institution. I keep having flashes, over and over again, but then things are suddenly fine. That's usually when Brittany's around.

I was following Marley so aimlessly that I nearly knocked over Quinn when she rushed in front of me. "Where are you going? Class is that way." Quinn's eyes darted to Marley and then back to me. "What the hell? Are you skipping?"

"Yeah she is." Marley answered for me.

"I wasn't asking you buttercup." Quinn retorted angrily. "San, you can't skip school, your parents would flip a shit. And Brittany's waiting for you in Spanish." That wasn't exactly going to convince me to stay. "I mean if you don't want to listen to me, I could care less, but don't disappoint Brittany."

"I just need air Quinn, I'll call you later." I brushed past her and followed Marley out to her car. She was quiet until we sat down and she started the car.

"Don't you like your friends anymore?" She questioned.

"Of course I like them." I told her, my voice sounded colder than I wanted it to. "I just, feel weird."

+0+

As it turned out, Marley didn't need explanations, she didn't ask many questions. We just got ice cream and sat there talking about cartoons, and cell phone cases, and our favorite types of gum. She was really weird, in a good way I guess, she didn't judge me for getting M&Ms, peanuts, sprinkles, and chocolate chips on my sundae and she asked for the window seat in the ice cream shop, before I could even open my mouth.

That was my favorite spot, right next to the window.

"Do you think I could get paid to people watch? Cause I really like doing it. It's fun and…" We both looked out the window at the same time when we heard a shriek, a woman has just caught her heel in the crack of the sidewalk and fallen to the ground. "…funny." We laughed. The woman was getting helped up by two older gentlemen. And we laughed.

"What do you like about people? What makes them so special?" I asked her curiously. I liked to people watch too, but only to see if I could tell if someone was miserable or not. You couldn't tell not by their appearance, but mostly by the way the creases on their faces looked more faded than others, mostly by how their smile lines ceased to exist, and they walked around like zombies. Those were the easy ones to spot.

"People are…" She breathed in. "Like the best fucking creatures alive, you know? Like they're so complex, so stupid sometimes. Isn't that funny? We're the most advance creatures but we're dumb as fuck. And the best part about people is that they're so sexy." Listening to her talk was like watching home renovations on TV. Something that interests you, something that you can't have, and something you're not even sure you'd want.

"Sexy?" The word sounded plain coming out of my mouth, I regretted saying it out loud.

"Yeah…like you." She said before stealing a scoop of my chocolate fudge. "You're so damn fuckable."

"Me?" It was so high pitched when it came out, I'm positive my voice cracked.

"Yeah you."

"What makes me…" I didn't finish my thought, I don't think I even wanted to know.

"It's your voice; it's cute and sexy at the same time. Oh and your eyes, they're always lingering somewhere, always wondering. When I first saw you, I just wanted to rip you to damn pieces." I was starting to wish that Quinn was here, not because I couldn't handle Marley, but because Quinn would find this entire conversation hilarious. "You were such a cute little frosh."

"Thanks." It was a compliment after all, and that was the only way I knew how to respond. "I should probably get home, I'm gonna be in the hole for skipping today anyway, I don't want to make it worse." Marley nodded and we headed back for her car.

I wasn't certain about how I felt about all those comments Marley had made early. They don't mean anything, I mean there's no real feeling behind them, just lust, which is new ground for me. I could let her think whatever she wants about me, it was okay, because I knew I just needed an out. A safe out, not Quinn.

Marley can be that for me, I think she sort of always is.

+0+

It's the yelling, that's what's the real struggle. Not really the words, I didn't even start listening to what they were saying until today, it was so different. So strange to how gentle they are with me. I listened in because I wanted to call Quinn, tell her that Marley was such a fluke, but also funny and entertaining.

I still knew I didn't want to talk to Brittany.

They seemed to be getting louder. Well my father was the loud one, my mother was tactful. I wanted to listen and then I didn't, but I gave in anyway. "You've got her so hopped up on drugs that she can't even feel what's going on around her!" That was my father, he didn't seem to care about anything but the drugs. They must have cost a lot, that must have been the issue. I told him I didn't have to take them, but my mom insisted that I keep on a regular diet of SSRIs. She was only trying to protect me, he was trying to do the same thing.

"She shouldn't have to feel the pain of everything!" My mom could be so irrational sometimes, so driven by her gut and intuition that she couldn't even see what was in front of her. Maybe I wanted to feel the pain, she never asked me what I wanted, she just wanted me to be happy. Was anyone happy? Were there happy people in this world?

It grew quiet, a door opening and a door closing. They were leaving, they were going to the guest house out back, I watched them yell at each other all the way through the backyard. They both thought they were hiding their problems so well.

It was as clear as day.

I walked over and opened up a pill bottle, I wanted to just black out. Maybe when I woke up they'd be gone, maybe everyone would be gone. Maybe I'd be gone.

It didn't matter, I just-

My bedroom door opened, I dropped the opened pill bottle on the ground, Brittany was standing there. I think she was going to cry. I didn't know what to do or say. She must be upset, maybe because she didn't see me today, maybe Quinn told her what happened. Probably both. "You should've called or something before you came over. Things aren't good." She just starred at me, she didn't even look at me like she knew me. "I mean with my parents, they're arguing out back. I think maybe you should go home or-." She held my face in her hands, caressing my checks, looking into my eyes. She was looking for something, she was so desperately looking for something in me.

Then she smacked me. It hard and abrasive, and unimaginative. I didn't know what to do, I've never been smacked, so I just stood there and stared at her, she had to say something. She had to explain why she hit me.

And then my face was back in her hands, and her eyes were watering up and I felt like mine were too, but I didn't know for sure. My body felt tense, I was anticipating another smack. I didn't know what I did, but I probably deserved this. This is what I wanted. "Do you want to fuck her?' She was so angry, so unlike Brittany. Her eyes didn't even seem blue anymore, they were so dark.

"Who?" I questioned. My breathing made me sound like a rabid dog or something, and with her hands on my face like that, I didn't know if I should move or not.

"Marley!" She snapped at me. Her grip intensified. "Or did you already fuck her? Is that what you were doing today? Is that why you just up and left? For _her_?" I didn't understand why Brittany was so repulsed by Marley, she didn't even know her.

"I got ice cream." I told her truthfully. "I left with her because I couldn't see you today. That thing that happened at your house…it scared me. And I just wanted to go somewhere."

"That's fucked up Santana." Brittany said, and I knew she wasn't accusing me of anything, she was just saying that, just because she needed to speak. "We didn't do anything you know." She sat down on the side of my bed and I sat down next to her. No space between us, we could share the air. "Hold out your hand." Brittany commanded. I did so, she ran her fingers up and down my palm. I just wanted her fingers move, until I looked into her eyes, trying to figure out what she was trying to say. "What do you feel?" She asked quietly.

"The heat…from your fingers, a-and it sort of tingles, and your fingertips a soft which is weird c-cause mine are not." Brittany smiled and so did I.

"And that was easy to feel right?" I nodded. "Because feeling isn't bad. Don't punish yourself for feeling. Not anymore." Brittany stopped suddenly and grabbed onto my wrist tightly. It took me all of six seconds to realize what she was looking at. The stupid pill bottle on the floor, half the pills were spilled out on the ground. I knew exactly what it looked like as soon as I saw it. "Did you take those? How many did you take?" She asked. She didn't wait for a response, she was pulling out her phone.

"Britt." I grabbed onto her wrists, and she continued to struggle against me, she wasn't going to listen to me. I knew that right away. So I did the only thing I could think of, I knocked the phone out of her hand and grabbed onto both of her wrists so she didn't have the option of smacking me _again_ to get her way. "I just dropped it. I didn't take anything." I promised her.

"You dropped it?" Brittany asked, she must have been so confused right now, and I felt like shit for not explaining everything earlier.

"Yeah, when you came in you scared me and I dropped them." I needed to turn on a fan or open my window, or both. This was too much emotion for just one afternoon, I was starting to feel overwhelmed.

"What are they for?" There she goes with more questions.

"They're antidepressants." I told her. She didn't like my answer, her eyes conveyed that, but I didn't know what I was supposed to say.

"No." She said like that was some sort of final statement. Like that one world was going to fix everything, and make me perfect. "What are they doing to you? They're fucking drowning you!" I didn't know who they was, the doctors or my parents.

"I know." I said wrapping my arms around my body like a shield.

"They're changing you."

"Change is good, you don't want to know the real me. The real me is this pitiful, disgusting little-." She wrapped her arms around me, she pulled me so close, that I thought we were melting into each other. I hugged her back, I needed her, why had I been avoiding her all day? She didn't understand me completely, but she was my everything.

"You're perfect to me." I laughed because it sounded so damn cheesy, and she laughed too, I think because she was happy that we weren't fighting right now. I think we were both happy because we were safe in each other's arms.

Somehow we made it to the bed, laying down side by side staring at each other. "You're crying." I pointed out wiping her eyes with my thumbs.

"So are you dofus." She reached out and wiped my eyes free of tears. "I'm really sorry for smacking you."

"I think the world would be a better place if more people got slapped." I said with a shrug. "I'm sorry for leaving you at school."

"It's okay, I took two dollars out of your locker and bought an extra sandwich for myself in revenge anyway." I smiled; because that was the best kind of revenge I've ever heard of. "I'm just gonna…" She pressed her lips against mine, barely a touch, barely a whisper of affection, she pulled back a second later, but I kept my eyes closed. "I didn't hurt you did I?" I shook my head no. "Did I break you?" I shook my head no again. "Was that okay?"

"It wasn't awful." I replied with a smile.

"Those pills, do you take them at night or in the morning?" She questioned.

"At night mostly." I told her.

"Don't take them tonight." Brittany got up and shut off my lights, she came back over and wrapped my arms around her torso. "You don't need them, not tonight, please. Just hold on to me, I'll keep you safe, okay?"

**The Marley situation (that's what we're gonna call it), doesn't go away easily, but that doesn't mean that Santana will give in to her. Review please, and thank you so very much in advance.**

**Next Chapter: Homecoming is just around the corner. **


	11. Powerpuff Girls

**A/N: So I decided to make the whole Homecoming thing into two chapters, this being the first part. The second part will be a little more…let's just say intense. This is more of a filer chapter, but I still hope you like it.**

**Song Suggestion: "**_**The Ocean**_**" by Tegan and Sara**

Stop crying to the ocean, stop crying over me.  
Stop worrying over nothing, stop worrying over me.

I could see it, not just in her eyes, in her everything. She was holding my heart in her eyes, and neither one of us could look away. It was so overpowering, it was the emotions from last night carrying over into day. It was strange, and kind of comforting, just knowing that she was thinking about me. It was like she was my anchor, the only thing keeping me from flipping.

"San?" It must have been the third time Quinn had said my name, I heard her each time, but I didn't answer. "San?" I looked at her and gave her a small smile. "What's wrong with you?" I didn't want to tell her that I was completely spaced out without my medication, that everything felt better, but also all the more terrifying. I knew that at any moment, my emotions could take over me, and I had no escape route.

"I'm lost." I said as I looked around the classroom. I hadn't touched the worksheet in front of me. Quinn grabbed it from me and filled out the entire thing, right then and there. "I'm sorry…you didn't have to…"

"You've been spacey all day. Did something happen last night?" Quinn scooted closer. "I mean with B, did something happen between you two?" What the hell was Quinn talking about? What did she mean by that? What did she know? What did Fran tell her? Too many questions and with only three minutes to ask them all. "San, I mean like a fight. Did you have a fight?"

"No." I said weakly. "Um…can we…can I…" The bell rang and Quinn and I started packing up our things, and moving towards the door. I never really did ask what I wanted to, instead I just followed Quinn to her locker.

"Oh I know what's up with you. You're worried about getting a Homecoming date." Quinn said with a laugh. "We can go in a group, duh. I don't think B has a date either." I nodded and stuffed some of my books into Quinn's locker because I was too lazy to go back to my locker. "Wanna head off to lunch?" Just as I was about to follow Quinn someone grabbed onto my hand, I turned around and it was Brittany.

"Hey, come here." Quinn didn't seem to mind, and Brittany pulled me into a classroom. "Did Q, already tell you how we're going to go to Homecoming in a group?" I nodded. "Okay so let's go shopping after school, Quinn already got a green dress." Brittany seemed to excited, but I had no idea why. She loved dancing that was true, but she never really tried to drag me into it.

"I didn't really know if I should go." I said quietly. "I mean all the pictures and people, I'd feel so…stuck." I shrugged and Brittany just stared at me. "I don't think I should go."

"Why not? Because of the meds?" Brittany asked with a hint of worry in her voice. "You look good today; I mean you look like you can breathe. It's just a dance San; I want you to be there, please." I looked down at my feet and tried not to fall for it. This seemed like the only thing I hadn't fallen for yet. I'd fallen for her a million times already. "Can you at least look at me?" There was the frustration.

"I just don't know." I finally looked at her, disappointment written all over her face. "But you should go, it's what you want."

"No, I want…" She held onto my wrists like she was afraid I was going to run. "I always feel like I'm holding onto you." She said with a laugh.

"I can't dance." I confessed shyly. "I didn't want to go and dance near you, because it's embarrassing. A lot of things are embarrassing when I'm standing next to…_you_." Brittany's face softened, she observed me for a moment longer before she let go of my wrists and dipped her head.

"Shut up." She said before kissing the spot, just at the corner of my mouth. "You're just trying to…what are you even trying to do?"

"Nothing." The warmth from our contact still danced on my skin.

"You're dancing with me." She said like I had no other choice. "Whatever happens that night, you're saying the last dance for me." She smiled and took my phone out of my pocket. She unlocked my screen, before turning the phone around, making a goofy face and taking a picture of herself. "Remember to pick me up after work so we can go shopping." She handed me back her phone. "And make that picture your phone background, it'll make you smile later."

I was already smiling now, and as I heard her footsteps move further and further away, I was changing my phone background to this picture of Brittany.

…

Work sucked. It wasn't just because of Marley, it was because the time was moving at a snails pace, and I was sort of excited to go shopping with Brittany, yet I was stuck here. "What's on your mind?" Marley asked. I was finally behind the counter which meant two things, the boss trusted me, and Marley gave me even more of a hard time. She was so strange, sometimes I was certain she was flirting with me, sometimes I was certain that she hated me.

"Nothing really, I just sort of want to bail." I told her.

"So bail, I won't tell." I'd noticed that every time she lied she ran her fingers through her hair, which is what she was doing right now. My phone started ringing and I just looked at it, I didn't know if I was allowed to answer it. "Go on, that ringing is going to give me a migraine." I answered my phone and went into the back room.

"Hello?" I said.

"Hey San, it's Fran." I could hear her laughing on the other end, I think she was laughing at her little rhyme, even I started to crack a smile. "I was just calling to check up on you."

"What are you my mom now?" I asked.

"Well…okay to be honest Quinn sort of filled me in about what's going on at home and stuff, with your parents I mean. It's not any of my business-."

"It is your business." I told her. "I just…whatever is going on with my parents it's serious. I don't think they're going to work through it." I said sadly.

"I'm so sorry San." I was sorry too. "Are things with you and Brittany okay? I mean have you at least told her how you feel?"

"I feel like I have, in my mind I've told her everything. But in reality, I don't know if she understands what I'm feeling." I knew Fran was just about the only person in the world that would understand what I was going through. "We're going to Homecoming together, I mean it's in a group but…still."

"That night will be special, cherish it, and um…cherish her." I smiled.

"Are you reading a dating manual?" I joked.

"No! I just…the only time I've seen you smile genuinely is when you're with her." She was right, of course she was right.

"I should…I need to get back to work." I told Fran. "I'll call you when I finally get the guts to make a move, okay?"

"That could be years from now." Fran shouted.

"Goodbye Frannie." I said before hanging up and returning to the cash register.

"Are you going to Homecoming?" Marley stopped what she was doing and leaned against the counter in front of me.

"Are you asking me to Homecoming?" She questioned jokingly.

"I'm just curious." I explained to her.

"Yes I'm going, I just don't have a group. Woe is me Sanni." That nickname was the last straw, I was on the verge of punching Marley. "You're going with Brittany aren't you?"

"I'm going in a group." I informed her. This was the first time I'd noticed the small mark on Marley's collarbone, was that…

"Do you have a tattoo?" I asked her.

"Oh this." She pulled her shirt down slightly so I could see the tattoo that ran across her collarbone. It wasn't big, it just read _I'm not living, I'm just breathing_. A smile spread across her face. "You like it, huh?" My eyes shot up and looked at her eyes.

"It's cool." The bell on the door rang and Marley and I looked over to see who it was. Rachel walked right up to the counter. "Hey Rachel."

"I didn't know you worked here." She said with a smile. "Do you know if you have _The Enormous Room_ by-."

"E.E. Cummings." I finished for her before hopping over the counter and ushering Rachel towards the back section of the books, where we typically kept most of our lost generation authors. "Here ya go." I handed her the book and walked back up to the counter, where Marley had apparently decided to take over.

"Have you read it before?" Rachel asked me.

"Santana's read everything in here." Marley said with a wink.

"_The Enormous Room_ is good, kinda complex, but fun to have discussions about, I mean if you ever want to talk about it." Rachel nodded her head enthusiastically.

"Stop flirting with costumers." Marley chastised, and for the second time today, I thought about hitting her.

"She was being nice." Rachel defended for me. "Which is something you might want to test out someday." Marley pretended to be hurt but instead she broke into a smile. Was I missing something here? Were they friends?

"I didn't know you guys were close." I said.

"She's my Homecoming date." Marley said with a smile. "Well not date, we're going together though, we were looking for a group though."

"Well I'd have to ask Quinn, it's really her group, but maybe you guys could come in our group, if you wanted." I was doing it mostly for Rachel, well all for Rachel actually, it was bad enough that she was stuck with Marley, but being left out of a group would make things ten times worse.

"Are you sure your girl won't be mad if we tag along?" Marley asked.

"_My girl_?"

"Brittany." Marley said. "Unless you have more than one girl." I picked up my phone and checked the text I'd just gotten.

[From Brittany]: _Come and get me I'm boooorrrreeeeddddd. Tell Marley to go fuck herself, and leave._

I smiled at the text, Marley was right about one thing Brittany really did not like her. "Hey I've got to go." I told Marley and Rachel.

"Where are you going?" Marley asked.

"To go and get my girl."

…I hadn't been shopping with Brittany in a long time, and I forgot how ecstatic it made her. It was adorable, her pulling me in and out of every store, I was certain we went in to _Bath & Body Works_ twice just so that Brittany could get too free samples of this kiwi scented lotion. I didn't mind, the only thing I was looking forward to today was Brittany being happy, that was all that mattered. "Here's where Quinn got her green dress, let's go in here." I followed her into the store, holding onto her hand so she wouldn't just take off without me.

"What color should I-."

"Red." Brittany said quickly.

"Jeez, you've already got my outfit picked out for me, huh?" I asked with a laugh. Brittany looked over her shoulder at me and laughed.

"You'll see." We walked up to the counter and Brittany smiled at the manager behind it. "Hi, I put two dresses on hold, for Pierce and Lopez." The manager nodded and grabbed two dresses from under the counter. We went over to the changing rooms, Brittany insisted I change first, but I wanted to see her dress first, so we decided to change at the same time.

I walked out first, I felt so naked, of course Brittany would pick a dress that was so tight on me, and my entire back was exposed, it was beautiful, but I didn't want to stand out here looking at myself in the mirror, I wanted Brittany here. "Britt come out of there." I could here Brittany giggling on the other side.

"Hold on." Brittany said. It was a couple of seconds before her door opened and as soon as it did, I felt the butterflies arise in my stomach. Her dress was strapless, the emerald pattern that crisscrossed across her chest was beautiful, and with her exposed back and sides, I didn't think I'd even be able to look at her without fainting. "Do I look…dumb?"

"More like…" I didn't say the word that I was thinking but Brittany's blush let me know that she already knew.

"You look flawless as usual." Brittany said with a grin. "It's settled we're getting these." Brittany said clasping her hands together. "Let's change, we can go grab a burger or something before we go back home." I nodded, a burger sounded really nice right now. I hurried and put back on my clothes, skinny jeans, converses, a form fitted stripped v-neck, and my black hoodie. I stepped out of my changing room and knocked on Brittany's door.

"You okay in there?"

"Don't laugh." Brittany said even though she was the one who was laughing. "Come in." I opened her door and Brittany was reaching back, trying to unzip her dress, but she couldn't quite reach it.

"That's so…pathetic." Brittany grabbed her tennis shoe and chucked it at me.

"Just help me get out of this thing." Brittany said. I sighed and walked over, unzipping her dress for her. She pulled it down to the floor and I was hit with the sight of Brittany wearing a black thong.

"Oh jeez." I muttered turning around and covering my eyes. "Have you ever heard of a thing called clothes?" I asked her.

"Don't make fun of me, I have to wear a thong, it's the only thing comfortable under spandex." Brittany walked up behind me and pulled my hood over my face. She spun me around and pushed my back against the door. "I wanna wear this." Brittany unzipped my hoodie and put it on over her bra.

"Yeah why don't you just walk out like that?" I joked.

"Okay." Brittany said as she put her hand on the doorknob. When Brittany wanted to prove someone wrong she'd go through whatever lengths to do it, and right now she was serious about walking out there wearing nothing but a thong, a bra, and my hoodie. I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her away.

"You're insane." I said still holding onto her.

"Maybe a little." She said with a laugh. "You planning on letting me get dressed anytime soon?" I backed away and watched Brittany get dressed, she kept my hoodie and we took our dresses out to the front counter. After paying for our stuff Brittany grabbed onto my hand again. "Today was fun." Brittany said as we got into my car.

"Loads of fun." I said with a small smile.

"Did it feel okay without the meds?" She asked quietly.

"Yeah…um…thank you for…everything."

"You're not allowed to thank me for anything, we're best friends, I'd do anything for you." Again I felt the urgent need to kiss her, it went from desire and lust in the changing room, to need in my car. How do things change so quickly when I'm with her? I feel everything, every range of human emotion Brittany brings out in me. "Hey guess what." Brittany said playfully.

"What?"

"I picked out the colors for all of us to wear." She said with a grin.

"Why those colors?" I questioned.

"Red, green, and blue…so we can be like the Powerpuff girls." We both laughed at that, I didn't even realize it until now, that's why Brittany already had our dresses picked out. "Do you like the idea?"

"I love it." I assured her.

"Can we get burgers now? My tummy is rumbling." I looked at the clock, it was only 6. I didn't know if my parents wanted me home at a certain time tonight, they never told me, and truthfully I didn't care. I just wanted them to work things out already.

"Of course we can." I said as I started my car. I don't know what it was, maybe it was the excitement of everything, but I had a feeling that Homecoming was going to be special. I had a feeling like Homecoming was going to change my life.

I finally felt okay, not perfect, but okay. I had Brittany to thank for that, she was the reason I was learning how to live again, she was the reason, _my reason_, for everything.

**The next chapter contains the actual dance and something I'm not sure many of you would be expecting. On a side note, the amount of reviews and favs/follows that I've gotten are awesome. I can't say it enough, the Brittana fandom is amazing.**


	12. Wonderful World

**A/N: So this chapter is a little different because we get the first glimpse of Brittany's point of view, that might happen a few more times, and I hope you like that aspect. Now for those of you who were worried about the thing you weren't expecting, just get ready, this chapter was one of my favorites to write.**

**Song Suggestion: "_Uprooted_" by The Antlers**

_~I am alive but I am not blinking  
I can't catch my breath, my ears are still ringing~_

Santana's POV

It was so loud, and we were only just at Quinn's house. Some of the guys in our group didn't drive and they had to get dropped off by their parents. It was okay, it meant I had time, or we had time I guess. Quinn was right, Brittany didn't have a date, a couple of the cheerleaders joked that I could be Brittany's date and Brittany started to take them seriously at one point or another because she stood at my side while we waited.

The parents were all in the kitchen, we'd eaten a little bit earlier, Brittany, Quinn, and I cut holes in garbage bags and pulled them on over our dresses so we wouldn't get a drop of sauce on our dresses. Gabby laughed at us, but she was still in the bathroom trying to get a stain out of her dress. I liked this, it was much better than last year, everyone was talking, some of the guys were putting on corsages for the girls, even though this wasn't supposed to be a date thing. I could tell that Brittany was watching the whole spectacle with interest, so I tapped her shoulder. "Hm?"

"I need to go up to Quinn's room for a second, I forgot something." I told her, she looked worried, like she thought I would go up there and never come back down. She looked over her shoulder at Ellie and told her we'd be right back, before following me up to Quinn's room.

"What'd you forget?" Brittany asked as I started rummaging through my duffle bag. When we got her a couple of hours ago, all the girls changed in here, it was weird, but we did each others hair and makeup, while the boys were downstairs watching a football game. I didn't mind that the group was kind of big, for the first time in a long time, I felt okay around a large group of people. I guess it was because the cheerleaders were always friendly to me, even though I was a bit of an outsider.

I could feel Brittany looking over my shoulder, she was starting to get worried. "Do you need help?" I understood now, she thought I was looking for my medication, she was going to be surprised when she figured out what it really was. "Let me help-." I found the plastic see-through container, and pulled it out. Brittany looked at it and just appeared to be so awestruck to me. "It's blue though, it doesn't match your dress." I could feel my cheeks warming up, this was such a dumb idea, I was so stupid.

"It's for you." I opened the contained and waved Brittany over, she practically bounced on her heels when I put it on for her. It looked like her smile was going to stay on her face for the whole night. "Do you like-" She wrapped her arms around me before I could even finish my question, I laughed against her cheek, and we she finally pulled back I could see that her eyes were watering. "Are you crying?"

"I um…I'm trying not to." She fanned her eyes while looking up at the ceiling to keep herself from crying and ruining her makeup. "Quick say something funny."

"Collywobbles." I blurted out, eliciting a giggle fit from Brittany. It was her favorite word, I found that out last year. We were spending the night at her house, and we were looking up funny words on _Google_, we found collywobbles and didn't stop laughing for such a long time, that Izzy had to come in and tell us to shut up. The word means butterflies in the stomach, and Brittany always though that was the cutest thing in the world. "We should go back downstairs." I said once Brittany had calmed down and her eyes lost their reddish hue.

Brittany led the way back downstairs just as Rachel and Marley walked inside. I waved to them, Rachel looked happy enough; Marley looked like something was on her mind. I didn't have time to talk to them, because the parents were coming out of the kitchen with their cameras. They were shouting for a group photo, everyone up on the stairs, Quinn grabbed my hand and we went to the bottom of the stairs. "Come on the three of us should be up here." And that's how it was, Quinn first, then Brittany, and me behind her.

I felt like I was going to have a seizure from all the flashing lights, but it was fun, smiling even when I didn't mean it, Brittany whispered in my ear that she could tell when I was smiling for real or not. She knew me too well sometimes. "Brittany and Santana, come over here." Mr. Pierce had his new camera hanging around his neck, while Izzy stood behind him snapping photos with her phone camera of all the dresses that she liked.

Brittany and I walked in front of the fireplace where Mr. Pierce wanted us to stand. "Dad, what is it? Everyone's about to go outside." Brittany told him.

"Wait, I just want a picture of the two of you." He said with a grin. Brittany and I wrapped our arms around each other's waist, waiting for him to lift up the camera. "No like…everyone's taking couple pictures, Santana you're my daughter's date tonight. Brittany's mom really wants a couple picture." I could feel a few extra pairs of eyes on us, as it turned out it was all 14 other people just watching Brittany and I.

"Dad, you're embarrassing us." Brittany whined.

"It's for your mom, Santana, just two seconds." Mr. Pierce was such a nice guy, so laid back and kind, that I couldn't just say no.

"Britt come on." I whispered in her ear. Brittany turned to her side and I wrapped my arms around her waist. Izzy was clapping like we'd just done back flips, while a couple of the guys and girls in our group hooted and hollered. It was a quick picture, Mr. Pierce was right, just two seconds but when I let go of Brittany and she looked at me, her cheeks were burning red. "You're blushing." I told her with a laugh.

"Yeah well you make me do that sometimes." She said before we walked over to the rest of the group and went outside. The massive limo was there in front of us, the driver was holding open the door and Quinn, of course, was the first to get in. Brittany and I waited for everyone to get in before us, so we could be closest to the door and get out at the school first.

I thought we'd be cramped, but the limo had plenty of space. Brittany was on my right and Rachel was on my left, while Marley, Ryan, and Justin were sitting across from me.

"Your couple picture was cute." Rachel said. "And your dresses are beautiful."

"Yeah, red's definitely your color Santana." Marley chimed in. I don't know if I quite liked this much attention, so I thanked them both and kept my head down. It got loud just about the time when Justin pulled out a flask out of his jacket pocket. All the guys wanted a drink, but he handed it to me first. I took a quick sip and then offered some to Brittany who took a sip too. Rachel declined and from there on I had no idea who had some and who didn't.

"I'm so excited." Brittany said as we stopped in front of the school entrance. I shared her excitement, and once the driver opened the door Brittany and I bolted to get to the gym. We didn't even wait for the rest of our group, it was fun being liberated, especially when Brittany and I started moving to the beat, I didn't feel like I was pretending anymore, this felt real.

We weren't really dancing together, Brittany was just too graceful and I was just me. I wasn't clumsy, but I didn't know how to move my hips like she did, I wasn't awful, but I wasn't able to switch from ballet to hip hop movements in less than a second. "You're the best dancing partner ever." Brittany said before wrapping her arms around my neck, my hands went to her hips like magic, like this is how we were meant to be tonight.

"Can we go somewhere?" I asked Brittany, the music was still blaring, and everyone around us was moving so quickly, it was hard to stay focused on just Brittany. I needed quiet, right now that's what I needed.

"Where? Like Paris or…Morocco." Brittany joked.

"Yeah like Paris." I said without even thinking about it. "But right now I meant like out in the hallway, it's getting to be a little…too much in here." Brittany nodded and I grabbed onto her hand as we squeezed between students and went out in the hallway. We could still here the music, but there was no one else around.

"In here." Brittany said walking into the music room and dropped her hand to her side. "You know I rarely come in here." She was marveling at the drum set. She picked up a drumstick and whacked the crash symbol. The noise was so loud I had to rush over and grab onto the symbol to keep the sound from ringing in my ear. "Whoopsies." She said with a laugh.

"Give me that before you break something." I took the drumstick out of her hand and put it back where she found it. Brittany leaned against a desk watching me like she'd wanted to say something all along, but she said nothing. "I'm sorry if I pulled you away from the dance. You can go back in if you want. I know you want to dance." Brittany nodded and I thought for a moment that she was going to leave, but instead she grabbed my hands and put them on her hips. She wrapped her arms around my neck and smiled.

"Can you hear it?" She asked quietly. I listened, I could still hear _What A Wonderful World _just as loud as I would in the gym.

"Yeah." We started moving together effortlessly. It was just like breathing, something simple, no thought required, like having Brittany holding me was exactly what I needed to survive. How many times did I tell her she looked beautiful? I should say it again; I should say it until my mouth couldn't form words anymore. "Beautiful." She pulled her head back, off my shoulder, and looked at me.

We were breathing the same air, I was breathing her in, nothing could stop me from doing what I was about to do.

"What'd you say?" Brittany asked.

"I said _beautiful_." How many times did I need to say it? How many times until she understood that every time I looked at her, she became my everything? Every time I saw her, I knew I couldn't live without her.

"What's beautiful?" She knew exactly what I meant, she knew.

"I'm talking about _you_." She kissed me before I could even breathe, my lungs felt like they were burning, wanting and needing, something that could only be satisfied by her lips. I felt reckless, even if the kiss was warm not hot, and gentle not rough, I still felt like I was breaking down every wall I had surrounding me. Her lips were so soft and sweet. No, not sweet, delicious. I could still taste the slight tang of rum in her mouth, I could feel the scent of vanilla and coconut flowing through my whole body.

I held onto her waist, she needed to know that this could never end, that if it did then I'd be left wanting more, craving more of her touch forever. Her fingers touched my collar bone, her other hand found it's way, moving and rushing through my hair. I cared so much less about her hands then her lips.

I was certain I kissed her, for just an instant, I thought I made the first move, but it wasn't me, it was her. And then suddenly, she wasn't kissing me, _I was kissing her_, and it was gut wrenching and bold, and I was so beyond myself that I didn't know how to stop. This wasn't me, this wasn't me at all.

She surprised me by grabbing my shoulder, it was like we were retracing our steps, moving back until the back of my legs hit the desk and we couldn't move any further. How long had we been kissing? 20 seconds? An hour? Forever?

Brittany was just as graceful at kissing as she was at dancing, it was a perfect rhythm, borderline beautiful, her tongue found it's way into my mouth, I just let her do whatever she wanted, because she was all I wanted.

Reality came crashing down when we both needed to breathe, my eyes opened, hers remained closed. I was happy because I could examine her face, her reddened cheeks, puffy lips, and…a tear slowly falling down her face. "Britt?" Her eyes opened and more tears fell, she didn't look sad though, just pressing, like she needed to speak and I needed to let her.

"I've waited to do that for…" She didn't finish, she wiped her eyes and kissed my cheek. Her smile returned and so did mine. "I need to fix-." She pointed her face; we shared a laugh before she wrapped me into a tight hug. "Come on." I wanted to follow her, I did, but I made a promise that I had to keep.

"I need to make a quick phone call outside, I'll meet you back in the gym." Brittany nodded and looked over her shoulder twice at me, like she was making sure I was real, before she left the music room. I started walking towards the entrance of the school, away from all the noise, away from all the people, I told Fran I'd tell her.

She had to know what just happened.

Brittany's POV

Finally. That was the word that kept running through my head: _finally_. None of it felt real, not really at least. Did we both go into that room hoping for a kiss? Maybe, I just didn't think it'd be so…magical. No. That's not the word I want, it was more unnerving than magical. Trying to convey everything I felt for her in one kiss, that's impossible, but trying was enough for me.

I couldn't wait for her to come back in the gym, I just wanted to look at her, to some how explain what had been going through my head since I returned from Jamaica. I needed to tell her about every single moment that I wanted kiss her but was too afraid that she'd pull away. It didn't matter now, there was something between us, something that we both recognized, something that we both felt. "Where's Santana?" I turned around and saw Marley standing there, I saw her earlier, dancing with every person she could get her filthy claws on.

"Making a call." I told her shortly. I didn't like her, I knew from the beginning that she liked Santana as more than a friend. I knew that she'd do just about anything to get her.

"You two have been practically inseparable all night, I was wondering when I'd get my chance with her." She was unbelievable. "You can't keep her all to yourself, right?"

"Do you like her or something?" I asked.

"I just think…she's really hot, and I want to know what she's like." Incurable. She was like some terminal illness that I couldn't get rid of. It wasn't like I could tell her to leave Santana alone, they worked together and Marley was older than us.

"What do you mean what _she's like_?" I questioned.

Marley smirked and leaned in closer. "I mean what's she's like in bed." I slapped her as hard as I could, who the hell did she think she was? A group of boys rushed in between us, it was like they'd been watching for awhile, and they were waiting to see who attacked first. I was the culprit, but no one said anything. I was pissed, and I just wanted to talk to Santana, I didn't need Puck coming over to see what was wrong with me.

"You okay?" He asked.

"I'm fine." Why didn't everyone just go away, I wanted Santana right now, not anyone else.

"You're fine? Why'd you hit Marley?" Puck asked, he was more interested in the drama, I couldn't be any more disinterested in the whole incident. I lost my cool for a moment, sue me.

"Because she's a bitch." I told him honestly. That was the last thing that I said to him before hell broke loose. The music cut, it was like everyone was moving towards the doors at once, but no one knew why. I was one of those people, I just followed the crowd, it looked like someone had pulled a fire alarm, only there was no fire, and there was no alarm. We just kept moving, everyone going out one door, rushing, pushing, shoving, but no one knew what. "What the hell is going on?" I asked to anyone who was willing to answer.

It was all just a lot of talk. No answers. I spotted Quinn, she was well ahead of me, it seemed like the back half of the crowd was laughing, joking around, some still dancing, others tossing things at each other, but where Quinn was, about 50 yards ahead, they were nearly silent. They were closer to the entrance of the school, it was something outside. Something was wrong.

"Quinn! Quinn!" I shouted, she turned around and looked at me. My eyes read_ what's going on up there?_ But Quinn's eyes read _confusion_. Everything felt like a blur, and I reached a point where the talking go to be too much, and no one knew what they were even saying anymore.

It started off as a _fire alarm_, then a _fight_, then a _car crash_. I'd heard so many stories that I was sure that I'd get outside and it would just be nothing. All a hoax, some way to ruin Homecoming for everyone.

I finally go fed up and just started shoving my way through people, I couldn't stand just being stuck. Some people didn't care enough to snap at me, some people did, I zoned them out, the only place I needed to be was through the entrance. I made it after ten minutes of persistence. I found Quinn, there was tap all around the parking lot, kids yelling about how they couldn't make it to their cars. It was like a barricade, we were stuck behind the police officers, and at this point the stories started getting put together.

Someone said that there was a _fight_, someone got hurt pretty badly, the cops came first, but the ambulance took a little longer to get there because of all the students parking like lunatics all along the roads. "What happened?" I asked Quinn, she had her arms wrapped around her body, she was trying to see past the officers, but they wouldn't move or say anything.

"I don't know. They aren't saying anything. Someone's over there, someone's on the ground." I was taller than Quinn and I moved past her and looked over the police officers shoulder, it wasn't someone. It was a girl, long legs, black heels, a red dress and…it was Santana.

I wasn't thinking, not anymore. I didn't care if there were officers standing in front of me, I was pushing past them. They didn't want to hurt me so they didn't tackle me when I broke past them. I nearly made it to Santana and the four paramedics standing around her, when one of the cops wrapped his arms around my shoulders so I couldn't move any closer. "You can't be back here." I wasn't even listening to him, all I could see was a woman kneeling down next to Santana's head, I couldn't even see her face, she was talking to Santana, calming her down maybe.

"That's my friend. I need to see her, is she okay?" The cop didn't say anything. "Is she okay?!" Now I was shouting, not at the cop, but at the paramedics, one of the guys turned around, looking from the cop to me. They had a stretcher out and they were moving Santana onto it. Something was over her face, they were moving so quickly and the only thing I knew was that I needed to get on that ambulance. "I need to go with her!" I shouted. The paramedic, the same guy who turned around before looked at me.

"Are you family?" He asked.

"Wha…no, but-." He shook his head saying he was sorry, but he jumped up in the back of the ambulance truck, closed the doors and drove off. The cop finally let me go, and I ran as fast as I could back over to Quinn. "We have to go." I told Quinn frantically.

"We took the limo here, we don't have a car-."

"We have to go." I snapped at her, more urgently this time.

"I drove here, I'll take you." Puck said. We ran, all three of us, two teachers tried to stop us, telling us that we couldn't just leave, but none of us cared. All I could think about was Santana. That kiss and then seeing her on the stretcher, it was too much, it was all too much for one night.

**This is the chapter that I'm most interested to hear about what you thought of it, so if you read it review it so I know what you thought.**


	13. Saving Grace

**A/N: This chapter is a little shorter, the reason for that is that I wanted to have a quick update just in case I couldn't work on it this weekend. Thank you all for the tremendous amounts of reviews/follows/favorites. Because you guys liked Brittany's POV so much, I decided to have it again in this chapter. Enjoy.**

**Song Suggestion: **_**"Ghosts That We Knew" **_**by Mumford and Sons**

_~But I will hold as long as you like  
Just promise me we'll be alright~_

Brittany's POV

Everything's going to be okay, everything's going to be alright. It felt like a mantra, just something people said. It's what everyone said, especially when they knew things weren't going to be okay. It felt worthless, the words felt so worthless.

And it was a lie. It just didn't feel right.

Puck wasn't driving fast enough. I felt like we weren't even moving. The only things that were racing was my heart and my mind. What had happened out there? Santana said she was just making a phone call. I thought she'd be gone for a couple of minutes not…what the hell had happened?

It was a flurry, a mix of anger and confusion, it was just rushing through me and there was no way of stopping it. "For fucks sake could you drive a little slower?" I wasn't mad at Puck, but he was here and he could take it, I just needed to vent to someone. Quinn was silent, like a damn zombie, her eyes were focused on anything and everything outside of the car, she hadn't said a word. "Should I…?" I didn't even know what I was saying, there were things you were supposed to do, protocols, but I had no idea what they were. "Do I call Mrs. Lopez?" I asked, Puck didn't know, and Quinn was practically lifeless. "Puck hurry!" Why couldn't he go faster? I'd seen him racing his car down the road with his buddies before, why couldn't he do that now?

"Okay I'm going just…calm down, okay?" Because being calm was so rational right now. No one in their right mind would be calm, not in this situation. We didn't even know what was going on. We were engulfed in a gray area, and we couldn't do a thing about it. I didn't even wait for him to put his car in park, I was jumping out of the car as soon as I saw the blinking red light that read _Emergency Room_. I felt Quinn behind me, but I wasn't certain. My only goal was to figure out what was going on.

The reception desk was a mess. Files and papers, and empty cups of coffee surrounded the woman behind it, she was on the phone, holding up her finger telling me to wait. I couldn't wait. Waiting was no an option. "Excuse me." She held up her finger higher as if that would shut me up. "No, hey lady, I'm talking to you." She looked down, clearly trying to avoid me at al cost. "Are you fucking deaf?" That's when Quinn grabbed my arm, leave it to her to try and be rational here. I didn't have time for this.

"You can't talk to her like that; she'll never let us see Santana." Quinn explained to me. It didn't matter, at least not in that moment, because I spotted Mrs. Lopez about 50 feet ahead of us, and I ran towards her.

"Mrs. Lopez." I don't know what it was that caused me to wrap my arms around her, maybe it was because it seemed like the only logical thing to do, she must have thought the same thing, because she wrapped her arms around me and held me until she saw Quinn approaching. "What's going on? What happened to Santana? Where is she?" I was speaking too fast, I could tell by Quinn's face.

"I was really hoping that you guys knew." God this was a mess, it was too much. No one knew anything, just like before. "Do you guys know anything? I mean you guys were with her, right?" Quinn looked over at me, she wanted me to give the whole story, to be honest Quinn looked sick, she moved towards a chair and sat down.

"I was." What else was I supposed to say? I was with her, we kissed, everything was breathtaking, until all of this happened. "She said she wanted to make a phone call, I let her and…" I exhaled before closing my eyes tight. "She was making a call." I muttered under my breath.

"A call to who?" I shrugged and reached in my back pocket to pull out my vibrating phone. It was Fran.

"It's Fran." I held up my phone and gave it to Quinn, I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone but Santana really.

When I saw the doctor approaching, I let Mrs. Lopez get up and talk to him. She made sure that whatever they were saying was too quiet for Quinn or I to hear. I wasn't devastated though, Mrs. Lopez wasn't crying, and that was something. She walked back over a moment later, Quinn was still on the phone with her sister, she wasn't even saying anything. "Santana's awake, I need to go back there and check on her, okay? You two can't go back right now. I'm going to call your parents, tell them to pick you up-."

"No, I need to see her." I said louder than I intended to.

"You will, but not right now. Brittany, honey, I need you to trust me. The doctor said that her injuries weren't as bad as they looked. She's safe and alive, that's what matters to us." I nodded, because she was right, Santana was okay and that's the main thing.

"What happened? Did he say?" Mrs. Lopez shook her head.

"Santana will tell us that, okay?" We hugged again, I debated following her even though I knew she didn't want me to. But I stayed by Quinn and watched Mrs. Lopez walk down the hallway.

Quinn covered up the mouthpiece of my phone. "Fran's freaking out; she said she's coming here. She's not making any fucking sense; she wants to talk to you." I took back my phone and held it up to my ear.

"Fran? Fran, it's me…Brittany." I said. I had to wait a moment before she replied. She sounded like she was having a heart attack or something.

"Brittany, what the fuck happened?" Fran yelled.

"I don't know, I wasn't there." I told her.

"You weren't there? You fucking left Santana in a parking lot by herself?" She was so angry, that I suddenly became angry too. How dare she blame this on me? It was enough that I blamed myself, I didn't need her thinking the same thing.

"Well fuck you then." I wanted to hang up but Fran was too quick to reply.

"Jesus, I'm sorry that was out of line. I just…she called me, she was so happy, she said something finally happened with you and then…" She didn't finish. I could tell there was something she wanted to say, but felt like she couldn't.

"Then what? Please, just I can't see her right now, and I need to know something…anything."

"She said _hold on_ I heard shouting, then she must have dropped her phone because I didn't hear anything after that. Movement but nothing." Fran explained. God things felt like they were getting worse before they would ever get better.

"I need to…" I looked up to see my mom, dad, and Izzy walking over to me. "I've gotta go."

"I'm on the next flight there, okay? I'll see you tomorrow." Fran said before clicking _end call_. My dad pulled me up to my feet and wrapped his arms around me.

"What happened? They said it was Santana." His eyes told the whole story, he was so worried it was like I was in that hospital room, not Santana.

"She's awake, but we can't go and see her." Izzy was crying at this point, my mom was talking to the Fabrays who had just arrived. It was a mess. I guess Quinn was leaving, she said she couldn't stay here, not all night, it was making her feel too afraid. I understood, but my parents were talking about leaving and I wasn't going to go anywhere. "I'm not going."

"Britt, you need some rest-."

"I'm fucking staying okay." I didn't mean to snap at him, and he knew that. I just didn't know how to express my emotions through anything but anger and tears right now. "I can't leave her dad…I just can't."

…

Santana's POV

It hardly felt real. I hardly felt real. Waking up in this place, in this bed, it felt like I'd been here before. I think I had been here before. I looked down at my arm, an IV was stuck in there, I had to get it out. I needed to get it out. I yanked it out, it hurt worse than the bruises on my face did, I just wanted to get out of here.

The footsteps were fast approaching, there was no way I could put on my clothes quick enough to make it out of there. "You need to stay in the bed, please." There were already two nurses here, one guy was lifting me up. I didn't even get a chance to speak.

"She took out her IV." He said to the other nurse. They didn't look upset just worried, and it was only getting worse.

"I'm fine." I told them. "I just need to go home. I can walk straight, I can see fine." They were already holding my arm so they could put in a new IV. It didn't matter what I said to them, they weren't going to let me go.

My only saving grace was my mom walking through the door. Seeing her standing there was the only thing keeping me sane. "Mom, would you tell them I can go home?" The nurses finished putting in an IV and they left us alone. Finally. "Mom?"

She grabbed onto my hand and didn't let go. "Honey, they have to keep you for a little bit, you were unconscious." Her tears were already falling. "Baby, what happened? Did someone hurt you?" I didn't want to talk about this, I just wanted to leave now. "You know what, you don't have to talk about it. I'm just happy you're okay." She kissed my forehead and then my cheek.

"I hate this place!" I snapped, I wasn't angry, I just couldn't sit in this bed. "I can hardly breathe in here."

"Baby, they're going to ask a lot of questions. The police are hanging around outside, they need to know what happened." She was trying to make this easy on me, but it just wasn't. It was unbearable. Why couldn't they just go away?

"I don't want to talk to the police, mom. I just…" I sat up in the bed. "Please tell me Brittany isn't here." That was the last thing I needed, her seeing me like this. Black eye, busted lip, fractured ribs. It was such a perfect kiss, ruined by all of this.

"She won't leave, not until she sees you." My mom explained. "She's so worried, I um…I'm gonna try and sneak her in here. I know you're worried about her seeing you like this, but she'll go crazy if she doesn't see you." I just wanted to rewind time, and go back to that kiss. I would've never called Fran, I would've just stayed inside with her and I would've danced with her the rest of the night.

"Okay." I said nodding my head. She left a second later, it was true I didn't want Brittany to see me so battered, but I really wanted to see her. She looked so beautiful tonight, and even as she slowly entered the room, her hair unraveled, her makeup ruined, she still looked beautiful to me. Brittany leaves me breathless every single time. "Hi." She just climbed onto the bed, no warning, no questions, she held onto me squeezing me like a small teddy bear. She was hurting my ribs but I wasn't going to tell her, it was enough that she was here.

"I was so scared." She'd cried so many times tonight that I was beginning to lose track. "I left you out there all along, I'm so stupid-."

"It's not your fault." I assured her. I looked over her shoulder to make sure no one was standing there. My mom had left the room as soon as Brittany walked in, she understood that we needed our space. "I ruined your night."

"What? Santana no, you um…that kiss…it made this night the best of my life, until…" She ran her thumb over the cut on my lip. "Who was it? Who did this? I'm gonna fucking kill them." I didn't like when she got too aggressive, it wasn't like her.

"Don't say that."

"I mean it-." I cut her off before she could finish.

"No you don't. You're just upset right now." She rolled off me and laid down beside me. "I had the most amazing night of my life with you…whatever happened after doesn't matter, not to me at least."

"San…I was so scared." That's not what she wanted to say, I could tell right away.

"You already said that." I reminded her. "Britt, I want to get out of here." I told her quietly. "I can't be here…hospitals… I hate them." This reminded me too much of the institution. I felt like I was back inside that dark place, the only difference was that I had Brittany at my side right now.

"You can't leave, they won't let you." She told me. "But I can stay in here…only if you want."

"Of course I want you here." I leaned in, expecting to kiss her but I pulled back. What was I doing?

"You can…I mean you can kiss me if you want." I knew I could, but I didn't know how. At Homecoming it was different, it was dark in that room, there was music in the background, and Brittany _kissed _me. And in this place it was bright, there weren't any sounds besides the stupid beeping, and I suddenly felt so self conscious about the bruises on my face.

"I can't…not in this place." I breathed out. Brittany nodded and rested her hand against my stomach. "Will they let me sleep?" I asked.

"Of course they will."

"Can you stay here?" I asked hopefully.

"I'm not moving, I'll be right here by your side."


	14. Regression

**A/N: So this chapter has less action, it's now moving into a few decisions for Santana to make, a few tidbits of understanding. I realize that this might have triggers so I'll just say possible rape/assault triggers because I wouldn't want to make anyone uncomfortable.**

**Song Suggestion: **_**"Draw Your Swords"**_** by Angus and Julia Stone**

_~Shoot me to the ground  
You are mine, I am yours  
Lets not fuck around~_

Brittany's POV

The police made me leave the room. That was the worst part, I knew Santana was terrified, I knew that she wanted me there, but also wanted me gone. I didn't ask her what happened, I'd already asked that once, I knew that she didn't want to talk about it, so I let her sleep. But right now they were in there doing a rape kit, and she didn't say what happened, maybe she didn't know, maybe she did.

No. I couldn't think about this, the only thing I knew was that I was happy that she was physically alright. I just needed to see her again, right now.

"Brittany!" I turned around and was immediately pulled into a hug. It was Fran, finally she was here. She may have upset me earlier, but she always knew what to say, she always knew what to do. "Where is she? I need to see her." I grabbed onto Fran's arms, hoping I was strong enough to stop her from bursting into the room.

"Look Fran…she's having something done right now, you can't go in-."

"What? What are you talking about?" I didn't know how to answer. Fran was not calm, she wasn't even close to being calm. She was acting the same way I had when I'd first arrived. "Brittany for fucks sake-."

"A rape kit, they're doing a rape kit." I could feel the tears coming again, Fran pulled me down towards a seat. I wanted to cry, again, that would make me feel better, but I couldn't. I didn't want to cry in front of Fran. "I hate this, it's too much waiting. Santana wants to go home. She hates this place."

"How do you know?" Fran asked.

"She said so." I started. "And I know her, I know how she feels about certain things." I added. Fran looked at me for a moment like she wanted to say something. "What?"

"What happened between you two?"

"A lot…more than I knew was even possible." I took a deep breath and exhaled. "We danced, alone…in a classroom. It was perfect, the perfect dance, and then…we kissed. Like it was so surreal even thinking about it…I don't even know if it really happened, you know?" Fran didn't answer, she was thinking something through, I wanted her to say something.

"How did you feel about that?" I looked at her strangely. "I mean how do you feel now?"

"Fran what are you getting at?" I questioned.

"Nothing, I just have to make sure that you won't hurt her. I have to know that you didn't just kiss her because you wanted to, but because you needed her." I didn't know if I wanted to be pissed or happy. Pissed because Fran was pretending like she was Santana's watcher, but happy because Fran cared so much about her. "Sorry, I'm overstepping."

"Yeah you are." I stood up and began pacing back and forth. "How long does this shit take? Jesus." Fran stood up too and grabbed onto my wrist. "Do you have a cigarette or something?" I asked her.

"You don't smoke." Fran said. When we heard footsteps moving towards us we turned around. I expected it to be Mrs. Lopez, or maybe the police leaving the room. What I didn't expect was to see Santana walking out, dressed in jeans and a zip up hoodie pulled up on her head. Her hands were in the pockets of the hoodie and she looked between Fran and I before speaking.

"What are you doing here?" She asked Fran.

"I happened to be in the area." Fran joked. Santana smiled and walked over, she rested her forehead against my shoulder and groaned.

"I wanna go home." I wrapped my arms around her neck and pulled her into a hug. "And uh…I'm starving." She pulled back giving me a look that said she wanted to be anywhere but here.

"Where's your mom?" Fran asked.

"In the room still." Fran nodded and walked over to the hospital room, I figured she had a lot of questions that she didn't want to ask Santana right away. I held onto the drawstrings of Santana's hoodie and looked into her eyes. "You've been up all night."

"So have you." I said quietly.

"My mom said I can get something to eat and then go home. Will you stay with me?" Santana asked quietly.

"For as long as you want."

…...

Santana's POV

"You haven't eaten anything." Brittany asked from where she was seated at my desk. I was laying on my back, staring up at the ceiling, with a _Krispy Kream_ donut sitting next to me. "I thought you were starving." Brittany stood up and crawled onto the bed, moving the donut to my nightstand, and laying down next to me.

"I am." I whispered. Brittany rolled over and looked at me with a smile. "Sorry, did you want to have my donut? It's the least I could do considering you've been up all night." Brittany grabbed my donut and started eating while I sat up and watched her. She was still wearing her Homecoming dress, but her heels were on the ground somewhere downstairs.

"What are you looking at?" She questioned self-consciously.

"Sorry I…" I looked down at her dress again. "You wanna take that off?" Brittany finished the donut and looked down at her dress, mouth still full and fingers sticky from the sugary treat.

"Yeah…help." Brittany stood up and held her hands away from the dress. I sat on the edge of the bed behind her, reaching up and pulling down the zipper for her. I leaned back on my elbows, I figured she'd take it off but when she didn't move and looked over her shoulder at me I was confused. "Take it off my hands are all gross." I stood up behind her and started pulling the dress down.

I couldn't help it, running my fingers over her sides, her hips, down to her legs, I pulled back when the dress hit the ground and watched Brittany walk into my bathroom wearing nothing but a strapless bra and a thong. She came out a couple of minutes later, I'd returned to the bed, looking at her from there. "What should I wear? Do you have a really big shirt?" Brittany asked bending over and rummaging through my drawers.

"Are you doing that on purpose?" I asked her.

"Doing what?" Brittany asked innocently as she pulled a shirt out of a drawer.

"You know what I meant." Brittany pulled on the shirt over her head and climbed onto the bed next to me. She climbed on top of me without any warning what so ever. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing." Brittany said with a grin. "You just seem to like touching me, so touch me if you want." Of course, I wanted to touch her, and it sounds ridiculous but I didn't really know how. Even right now I had my hands gripping the bed sheets so I would resist the urge to run my hand down her thighs, up her stomach, everywhere.

"I want to." I said quietly. "But last night was…I don't know. Too many feelings for me to say aloud. Feelings about you…about what happened…can we take a nap, or just like…lay here?" Brittany nodded and stood up walking over to turn off my lights while I got under the covers. She shut the blinds too, to stop the morning light from invading our space.

She crawled under the covers next to me and closer her eyes. "Are you sleeping?" I whispered.

"No." She said with her eyes still closed. I moved closer to her and kissed her. This time it felt real, not like in the classroom, this time we both knew I'd kissed her first, this time I pulled her body close, our legs intertwining our thighs holding on to each other. She pushed her tongue into my mouth when I wasn't even ready for it, I don't know if it was tension or lust or what but I wanted more. I needed more from her, I knew I put my hands where I shouldn't have when she moaned into my mouth, I kept my hands there, grabbing onto her ass, like it was the only thing keeping me from touching somewhere else.

She keep her hand resting against my stomach, she wanted to be on top of me, I knew that from the way she moved her leg over mine, but she didn't move. She was okay with this equalized intensity and so was I.

Until the door opened. I pulled back first, mentally I really needed the person standing at the door to _not_ be either one of my parents, that would be too much for me to handle right now. But Fran stood there with this incredibly conflicted expression on her face. I know she saw us, but she was trying to pretend like she didn't, so she didn't run or shout or blush. "Hey guys, uh…San can I talk to you for a second?" I nodded, I was about to get out from under the covers but Brittany got up instead.

She walked over to the closer and grabbed a pair of my sweatpants putting them on while Fran waited. "I'm gonna get some water, want anything?"

"Nope." I said.

"Fran?" Brittany asked.

"Nope, I'm cool." Fran said before Brittany left the room leaving Fran and I alone. I could tell that whatever she was about to say was serious, but there was also more to it. "San?" Fran asked as she sat on the edge of my bed.

"Hm." I tried to sound nonchalant, but my heart felt like it was going to start beating out of my chest. Brittany just walked out from my bed without pants on, and Frannie saw.

"What were you two doing?" Frannie asked, she wasn't pushing, she wasn't joking, she was just asking.

"We weren't…we were just…"

"What I meant to say was _honey where were her pants_?" Finally, a joke, that made me feel human again. I didn't feel fragile, not in this moment. I smiled and sat against my headboard. "Look at you, all cocky now that you're getting some." Now a blush moved against my face as rapid speed.

"Seriously Fran we weren't doing anything more than…kissing." I promised her. "She was helping me feel better."

"I bet she was." Fran said with a grin. "Well okay sorry for interrupting, but I just wanted to let you know about what's going to be happening in the next few days." I folded my arms over my chest and waited for her to continue. "The police are going to ask about what happened again, and then a million more times, and I know it's tough right now, but eventually you'll be able to tell them the whole story. Which is not as important as everything else. Tell me what you want to know, what you're comfortable with hearing right now." I took a deep breath, she was right there were things I wanted to hear and things I didn't.

"Did they find anything in the uh…rape kit?" I asked quietly.

"Preliminary stuff? No, they didn't find DNA, no vaginal tearing-."

"Jesus Fran." Hearing things like that didn't make me feel better, it all still sounded scary. "No details, please. Just…anything else?"

"There's some shitty video footage from the school, but they're probably looking at that today. Honestly, I think it would help if you spoke about it, but that's only if you want to. Don't take any pressure from anyone, that's not what you need right now." Fran pulled out her phone and checked the time. "What you need right now is some rest and…some more Brittany." Brittany peaked her head into the room to check to see if we were done talking.

"Speak of the devil." I said with a smile. "Hey can you give us one more sec Britt." Brittany nodded and left the room again.

"What is it?" Frannie asked.

"I think I'm gonna go back on my meds." I could tell that she didn't like the idea, but I felt like I had to tell someone. "Look I thought I would be fine off them, and I was, but…since this happened, I think it'd be best if I went back on them."

"Are you going to tell Brittany?"

"No, and I don't want you to tell her either." I felt bad. "I just needed to tell someone, and you're the unlucky someone."

"I'm just happy you trust me, I know there's a lot going on with you and your family. I'm gonna be back for fall break in about a week, so if you need anything or a place to land, just come over to ours." Fran stood up and walked over to the door, I heard footsteps from downstairs and in a matter of minutes Brittany was back in my room under the covers next to me.

"Are we sleeping this time?" Brittany asked.

"Yeah I'm sorry about earlier." I told her.

"No, don't apologize for that, I liked it." Brittany whispered before kissing my forehead. "Goodnight."

…

The last thing I wanted to do was go to work, but it was also the only thing I wanted to do. Brittany was at her house, and both my parents were home. My dad was pushing for information and my mom was protecting me. I just left, I couldn't take the arguing and I wanted to do something I knew.

Books were easy. Marley wasn't.

When I got there, the boss was gone, apparently he had to go and check on his house because the alarm went off. Just Marley and I alone, which was exactly the last thing I wanted. "Hey are you alright?" Marley asked as I grabbed a box full of books and went into the back room to sort them. I knew she'd follow, but I hoped she wouldn't.

"Marley can we just…not talk?" She didn't say anything she just leaned against the table, inches away from me looking at me with a smirk on her face. "What the fuck are you looking at?" I asked her.

"You've got some spunk in you." She said. "I'm sorry about what happened…I mean like someone beat you up right?" I didn't answer her. "I know how to make you feel better."

"Marley, why don't you just go fuck yourself? Seriously." She laughed, and I could feel the anger building up within me.

"How about I just…" She grabbed my shirt and pushed me back against the wall hard, I didn't even have a moment to call out in pain, because her lips were against mine. I shoved her back as fast as I could, I wanted nothing more than to rid my body of her touch. I could feel my hand gripping around her neck, I could feel it getting tighter and tighter, and I knew that I wasn't trying to hurt her as much as I was trying to hurt the pain I felt. I couldn't fight back earlier, now I could. I let her go and backed up to the other side of the room. "I knew you liked it rough but Jesus."

"Tell Mr. Kingston that I quit, and when I see you in school stay the hell away from me." I took the key to _East Egg_ out of my pocket and tossed it on the table. "I'm not interested in you, everything is fucked up in my head but I know what I want, Marley. And it isn't you."

**A/N: Things will get more complicated before they get easier, but I want to clarify Santana was not raped in case that didn't come across as clear. **


	15. The Head and The Heart

**I'd just like to say that I really appreciate all the reviews/favs/follows/etc but there was a particular reader who gave me two really amazing reviews and they really made me feel great about this story and writing in general. So thank you **_**Glittering. Gabrielle.**_** Your reviews were really sweet.**

**Song Suggestion: **_**"A Girl, A Boy, and a Graveyard" **_**by Jeremy Mesersmith **

_~And I feel like I'm some kind of Frankenstein  
Waiting for a shock to bring me back to life  
But I don't want to spend my time  
Waiting for lightning to strike.~_

The pills were supposed to stop the pain. It all made sense in my mind. Feeling numb was so much better than feeling everything around me. I didn't tell Brittany, that was the main objective, keeping her out of this. Most of me wishes I would've just gone with my gut. I should've stayed home that night, I should've kept my feelings locked up inside my heart forever. But that would've changed too much, more than just me getting my ass kicked, it would mean that Brittany and I would've have kissed, it al would've changed.

The real issue is that I kissed her when I was off the meds, it meant that right now when I was on them it was harder for me to understand what I was feeling. It was harder to speak and just…be. And she was going to notice, there was no way I was going to be able to keep this from her, not like before. Quinn was a good buffer zone to have, especially when I started to realize that when I was on these meds I wanted to sleep more than breathe, and going to the mall was not on my wish list. But Brittany wanted to be here, so Quinn and I didn't protest, we just tagged along.

"Hey you okay?" Talk about the unanswerable. Brittany was going to get a smoothie while Quinn and I waited at a table in the food court. If I had to guess how many people were here I'd say a million, if I had to be accurate it felt like more. "You just seem kind of zoned…like all the time. Especially since…" She trailed off.

"Yeah, I dunno I'm just tired, don't worry." I assured her.

"Well shit I wasn't worried until you said _don't worry_." Quinn replied. She reached into her pocket and took out a pack of gum, holding out a piece for me to take. I unwrapped it and stuck it into my mouth, it tasted like chewy cardboard, everything tasted like that to me now. I forced a smile when Brittany came back over. "Hey B, can we get out of here soon? My head is gonna explode." I could tell that Quinn was doing this for me, and I would've thanked her if Brittany wasn't sitting there. "Wanna crash at my place?" Quinn was holding out safety nets at every step, which made it worse. Brittany could tell that Quinn was acting like an angel.

"San you've been really quiet." Brittany said holding out her smoothie towards my mouth, I declined the drink, saying that I was too cold for it, but Brittany persisted. "Do you want something to eat maybe? I can buy you something."

"Brittany stop fucking treating me like I'm a baby, I'm fine." Brittany was silent, but Quinn was already in _let's get the hell out of here_ mode. She grabbed her keys and stood up. "You know what, Quinn's right, we should get out of here."

"Okay." Brittany shrugged and took Quinn's keys out of her hand and started moving towards the exit leaving Quinn and I to slowly follow.

"What's with you two? Are you still mad at her?" I looked at Quinn hoping she was going to explain exactly what she meant.

"I wasn't mad at Brittany. What are you talking about?" I questioned.

"I dunno, I just assumed you were mad at her for leaving you outside at Homecoming." Quinn explained.

"She didn't leave me, technically I left her. And either way I would never blame her for any of it." I assured Quinn. We left the mall and walked out towards Quinn's car. "I think I'll just spend the night at Brittany's. Your grandma's cool, but she's sometimes overly religious and it makes me feel like the spawn of Satan."

"Ditto, I'll drive you two there then." We both saw Brittany angrily changing radio stations in the driver's seat of the car. "Well maybe Brittany will drop you off…technically."

"Works for me."

…

It was awkward; things have never been awkward before, especially not between us. Watching TV was boring so we just found ourselves lying on her bed side by side. It'd been a week since we'd kissed and I felt like Brittany wanted to be doing exactly that right now.

I just wanted to sleep, that and avoid this massive elephant lingering in the room.

"Silence is the worst thing in the world." Brittany said with a sigh. "And I know you need time to figure things out, but not talking to me sucks, for both of us. So let me be selfish for a minute and say…talk to me." Brittany sounded desperate, and worse, she didn't realize I was back on my medication. I was going to have to verbalize it now, which sucked.

"Sure, what do you want to talk about? Food? Unicorns? Lolipops?" It was meant to be gentle teasing, but it came out harsh.

"Do you honestly think everything I talk about is stupid?" Brittany snapped. She rolled out of the bed and stood, looking away form me. "I'm not stupid. And you don't get to treat me like I am."

"I don't think you're stupid, that's not what I said…that's not what I meant." I assured her. Izzy poked her head into the room, uninvited as usual.

"Lover's quarrel?" She said with a smirk. Brittany grabbed a pillow off the bed and chucked it at her.

"Izzy get out! I'm gonna kick your fucking ass!" Brittany rarely did that. She got annoyed about her younger sister, but never actually angry. Izzy raised her hands defensively and left the room, slamming the door shut behind her. I looked at Brittany expecting her to calm down, which she didn't, not even close.

"Okay threatening your sister won't help anything. Just relax, if you don't want me here then tell me to leave. If you want me to leave, I'll go." I told her.

"I want you here with me, but I want _you_ not this fucking pod person that's sitting in front of me. I mean what is it? Are you not into me anymore." I stood up, standing behind her and rubbing her shoulders, trying to say what I needed to say with my hands. It didn't work, she pushed me away, the tension grew. Brittany turned around and look at me, searching my eyes. "What's the big secret? What are you hiding?"

"I came here with the full intention of sleeping, can we just do that?" I asked.

"Not until you tell me what's wrong." Brittany crossed her arms over her chest and glared at me.

"You're gonna be pissed." I could see it in her eyes, she knew before I even said anything. "I uh…you already know so I don't know why I'm saying this, but I'll say it. I started the meds again."

"Why?" She asked quickly. "Why would you start them again when you know how they make you feel?"

"that's the whole point." I started. "Right now my life is…not good. The cops keep hounding me, my parents are separating, and on top of everything you and I…w-we kissed-."

"And that's a bad thing?"

"No, but it complicates things. It means that you and I can't just be friends. But when I feel like shit I call a friend so who am I supposed to call? Fran? Quinn? Do I call them every time? Do you and I still reserve the right to have sleepovers without it being any more than just that? Should I start feeling guilty about closing the door behind us when we're alone. It confuses me. I feel lost, but if I'm in the pills then I don't have to feel any of it." Brittany didn't move, I expected her to hold me or grab my hand, but she just stood there and that made everything worse.

"I thought I was enough for you." That broke her, those words coming out of her own mouth, broke her. It was so sudden, everything came rushing out of her body at once, and before I knew it she was crying in the bathroom with the door closed behind her.

I walked over and sat down on the other side of the door. It hurt because I finally understood why Brittany was so upset. It wasn't about the pill, not really at least, it was because she thought that counting the stars would help me, because she thought that holding me through a night would heal me, and she thought that kissing me would save me. Because in Brittany's world there are no demons, there are no monsters inside, but she's never experienced a day in my world.

"Let me in." I told her.

"I just want to be alone." She said between sobs.

"Yeah well I don't want to be alone, and you're the only person here for me, so open the door." It took about five minutes for the door to open. I got up to my feet and walked in, Brittany closed the door as soon as I walked past her.

"Speak." She demanded with her arms cross over her chest. I could see discarded tissues in the garbage can, and her eyes were all puffy in red from moments earlier.

"You are enough for me." I promised her.

"Then why are you taking those stupid pills?" She questioned. I reached into her shower and turned on the water, I could see her expression, confusion was written all over her face. I began taking off my socks. "What are you doing?"

"Where's your phone?" I asked.

"On my nightstand. Where's your brain?"

"Get it." I urged her.

"With my clothes on?" She asked and I nodded in response. I got in first, it wasn't until my jeans completely clung to my body that Brittany got into the shower with me. "What the hell are we doing?" She asked.

"I have no fucking idea." I breathed out.

"Are you trying to avoid my question?"

"No, the answer to that question is easy. I'm taking the pills because…wait…" I grabbed her hand and held it to my heart, and took her other and pressed it to the back of my head. "Are they the same?" I asked her.

"Is what the same?" She questioned.

"My head and my heart?"

"No, they're not the same." She replied. "But what does that have to do-."

"I take the pills because the head and the heart aren't the same thing. You are enough for my heart, you're everything my heart has ever wanted and needed, but my head doesn't follow the same rules." I needed her to understand that, if she hated me for the rest of her life then so be it, as long as I got to tell her that.

"So let's just…cut out your brain or something." Brittany said barely above the noise of the water hitting the tiled floor below us.

"It's not that easy." I told her regretfully. "I uh…Brittany what are we doing?" Brittany kissed my forehead and wrapped her arms around me. At least the water was warm, I didn't know why I acted so impulsively. I think it's because I was forcing myself to feel and explain to Brittany part of what was happening.

"We're in the shower, fully clothed, because we are crazy. No wait…" Brittany pulled back. "Our heads are crazy, our hearts are just fine."

…

Going home wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Brittany dropped me off and kissed me on the cheek before I got out of the car, I think we both sort of realized that things were hanging in the balance between us, and I needed hugs a lot more than kisses right now. Or at least that's how she explained things.

When I walked inside, I could tell that something was wrong, My parents were sitting on the couch, next to one another, that was the first sign. I should've known that things were going to get a lot worse before they ever got better. That's what I get for having an ounce of hope. "Hi…um is something going on?"

"We just need to talk Santana." My father said.

"That sounds bad. I'm actually kinda tired, can I just go up to my room?" I asked them. My father didn't look happy, but at least my mom looked sympathetic when she was shaking her head _no_. I walked over and sat down on the couch across from them. "What is it?" I hoped one of them would be willing enough to just tell me what was happening, they exchanged glances instead.

"Santana, I know you are aware that your father and I have been having some difficulties." That may have been the understatement of the year.

"Yeah, I kno." They both looked a little hurt, as if they thought they could disguise their arguments as love. That's not how it worked. "You guys have been arguing nonstop since dad got home."

"Santana it was a complicated situation. I had to get pulled out of a very important meeting to be here with you." My dad said. My mom was practically biting her tongue to keep from snapping at him, I wasn't as calm.

"Sorry, I didn't realize that your job was more important than me." I wanted to leave now. This conversation was going six ways to nowhere and the outlook wasn't good.

"Santana, please what we have to say is important-." My mom started.

"Then say it! What are you waiting for? Fucking say it! You tried to work it out, but the fighting was too much. You two are getting a divorce, and you hope I'll be able to understand why. I get it, I understand, it's just one more way that my life gets to fall apart." I made it to the upstairs hallway before my mom grabbed onto my wrist and stopped me from running.

"Santana-."

"Mom, it's my job to run into my room, that's what a good daughter does after an argument." She didn't let me go. I stood there waiting for her to speak up.

"We have to explain what this means-." Did she think I was stupid or something? Did she think I was naïve? Both, maybe.

"I know what a divorce is mom. You don't have to explain it to m e." I actually wish I was back at Brittany's place, there I could be confused instead of angry like I was now. It didn't really say too much that my father didn't chase after me, he was really good at running away from conflict. He was probably downstairs packing his bags right now.

"Just because you've seen the word doesn't mean you understand it. You father and I are getting a divorce. He owns this house, which means I am moving out." What the hell was I supposed to say to that? She was right, I didn't understand what it meant, not completely at least.

"What? No you can't leave! Mom, where am I supposed to go?"

"I'm moving to Philadelphia in seven days, you are my daughter, my precious angel, and I want you to come with me." Leave Ohio? Leave my school? How am I supposed to just up and leave everything that's made me? I couldn't leave, I couldn't leave Brittany or Ohio. Ohio was my home, and so was she.

"Mom, why are you doing this? Why can't he just leave?" I asked.

"Because that would be easy and none of this is easy for anyone." She explained. "I'm not asking you to decide right now. That wouldn't be fair, but I couldn't let you storm off without knowing the truth." She paused. "I love you, you know that right?"

"Mom-."

"Just say you love me too, that way I won't start crying right now." I wrapped my arms around her tightly.

"I love you too, mom."

**A/N: Things of course, can only get more complicated from here, tell me what you think so far.**


	16. Long Way Gone

**A/N: Again thank you for reading. You guys rock, and are one of the greatest ship fandoms around. **

**Song Suggestion: **_**"Bleeders" by The Trouble with Templeton**_

_~I don't feel your heart anymore_

_Because you are so far gone~_

A different state. It wasn't far, but it still meant I'd be gone a long way gone. It'd change everything, friendships, relationships, even the weather would be different for me. Was I ready for it? No, but I'd never be. Did I need to leave? Yes, I knew I had to protect myself somehow, and this seemed like the only way.

It wasn't like I hated my dad, but I did see the way he looked at me. Or rather the way he looked right through me. It was scary, I felt subhuman, and I knew I was missing parts of the story, important parts, things that would help me understand why he suddenly started acting like this around me.

I didn't plan on sticking around to find out. I'd be gone soon, a long way gone.

I was at Quinn's place. For once it was quiet, no TV, no music in the background, it was just us sitting there in silence. I guess I appreciated her the most like this, it was her mode of constant understanding. She would judge me, she wouldn't hesitate to tell me that I was being crazy or stupid, but most importantly she would listen to me. Right now I was afraid, afraid that she would yell or jump up and say _you can't leave_ or _please don't go_. I couldn't deal with that right now, because that was how I felt, and I didn't want to share all that I felt with someone else.

"What are we doing here?" Quinn asked suddenly cracking open the silence and driving a wedge between us. I expected something louder maybe something…bold? I don't know, those were the ways I always described her in my mind. The thing about Quinn was that she was everything I wanted to be, and everything I wasn't. "Why are things so serious? Did I do something?"

"It's cause I have to talk to you, but I can't figure out where I'm supposed to start." There was a start. It was a lot more than I'd said since I'd gotten here.

"Is it about the meds?" Quinn asked. I guess my face said everything I couldn't namely _how, what, and why_. So I didn't bother actually saying anything. "Brittany told me. I mean I had to pry it out of her…but she told me."

Now everything seemed like a bad idea. Quinn and I were going to argue about the meds and then we were going to argue about me leaving, one argument filled with anger the other with desperation. None of it fit correctly into my mind, especially this right now. I'd never really seen Quinn this hurt, she looked like I'd ripped her heart out and fed it to her. Her pain was a lot different than Brittany's, I guess it was because Brittany thought she wasn't enough, but Quinn knew she wasn't enough. Quinn's pain stemmed from my willingness to withhold parts of myself from her, and it sucked, but it was just the way things were.

Quinn was just realizing it right now.

"Yeah the meds right I uh…they're…well it'd be easier if I just knew what you wanted to know. So just ask me. Do you want to know what they are or like what they do I could uh…explain." Quinn just stared at me. Bore holes through my eyes with hers, she looked so angry and I felt awful about it.

"Don't talk to me like that. Don't speak to me like you're some kind of prescription manual, because you're not. You're Santana and you're my best friend and you know what else?" I didn't want an answer, I didn't want Quinn to tear me apart because she will and she has.

"What?"

"You didn't have to tell me about the meds, that's your private thing and you had the right to keep it that way." Quinn took a deep breath. "I'm not entitled to everything, even though I want to be."

"Quinn that's not all-." If I was trying to find her breaking point I found it. Whatever I had to say she didn't want to hear it. She stood up and began looking through dresses in her closet.

:Okay well tell me the rest later. Did I tell you about this part tonight? We have to go, I promised. You can wear that only if you want though." Quinn said rapidly like if she filled up every square inch of the silence then we wouldn't have to talk about the important things. "Oh and can you drive? I know drinking isn't your thing so I figured you might want to take me? But if not I'll drive I don't care." She'd skipped asking and went straight to assuming.

"No I'll drive." I told her. "Can I borrow a hoodie thought?" Quinn tossed me a Stanford drawstring hoodie and I pulled it on with the hood up but not hovering over my face. "Why Stanford?" I asked her.

"Because all of my WMHS stuff is white or black with red, but Britt says I'm only allowed to let you borrow shirts that are predominantly red." Quinn explained like it was even remotely normal, which it wasn't. "It totes is your color, Britt is right about everything." I smiled out of obligation, but I was more than nervous about everything that would and could happen tonight. For starters everyone from school would be at this party which meant either they were going to treat me like I was made of glass or they were going to ask far too many questions.

"Is Brittany coming?" Is she gonna meet us there?" I hoped she would because even though we were in a strange place, I still wanted to see her. I only had seven days left here…well six now.

"Oh…shit." Quinn looked guilty and I could tell that whatever she was going to say was probably going to piss me off so I just waited. "Well she's coming here. I assumed that you were going to say no to going to the party so I told her to come here to convince you." Yep I was right, I wasn't pissed but certainly annoyed.

"When is she gonna…?" There was a knock on the door before I could ask and I knew it was Brittany just by the way she did the same rhythmic knock every time. Quinn had to put on her makeup in the bathroom so that left me to open the door, which I didn't, all I did was say, "Come in." Honestly, I wish Brittany wasn't here, or at least I wish she didn't look like _that_. "Hi." My voice sounded quieter than usual and raspy, hella raspy, but I guess that was because I could hardly breathe.

Brittany looked perfect.

"Hey." Brittany's dress was hardly a dress. It as long enough to cover her butt, and that was all, I was certain she'd grown because her legs were definitely longer than before. "So you're going to the party right?"

"I thought you were supposed to convince me to go." I said.

"I don't have to convince you. All I'd have to do is ask nicely." Brittany was totally full of herself, in the classiest way possible. "So…do you like my dress?" I could tell right away that she was being a tease. It was practically part of her personality: bubbly, charming, and a giant tease.

"What do you want me to say?" I asked.

"How about you be honest." Brittany said. She moved closer to me and ran her fingers over my knee for a few moments before smiling. "It's okay, you can tell me later." I have no idea why I'd become so timid around her, but I'd take that over me telling her that she looks sexy and embarrassing myself. "It's not to late to back out." Did she realize how many things that sentence applied to?

"No, no backing out now."

…

It wasn't supposed to be this fun. I mean with everything that had been going on the inner turmoil was supposed to consume me not set me free. Maybe it was that weird cranberry and vodka slushy that Brittany practically spoon fed me, or maybe it was because everyone was drunk so no one asked questions, no one cared about anything except having fun tonight.

"You have to dance with me. You promised." I was almost certain that Brittany had made up that promise on the spot, but she was a little tipsy and for some reason tonight I was inclined to believe anything that she said. I wasn't drunk just carefree. "Please, pretty lease." As if I could say no to her. She grabbed my hand and pulled me out to the middle of the dance floor. We were practically engulfed by all the kids around us, but Brittany kept us close.

It was strange because this was only our second time dancing together. Of course we'd danced together playfully, jumping around to NSYNC in our rooms but the only other time was at Homecoming. That time was sweet and romantic, what Brittany was doing to me right now was nothing short of the sexiest thing I've ever experienced. First of al, she turned away from me and her arm was around the back of my neck and her hops moving against me in the most amazing way.

I felt the whole room heat up, I felt our bodies heat up. I didn't know where to put my hands. I knew where I wanted to put them, but that was something for closed doors. I kept my hands on her hips gently at first until Brittany stopped holding back and then I held her tighter against my body. Brittany turned around and wrapped her around my neck and suddenly it got even more intense. I could hear her breathing against my neck , it was erratic and so was my breathing. "Britt."

"Yeah." The look she was giving me right now was so intense and hot I didn't even think I'd be able to get the words out.

"Brittany it feels like we're having sex."

"It does?" Brittany asked flirtatiously. "Well then…fuck me." She didn't give me a chance to respond to that, she just grabbed my hand and pulled me into the kitchen where all the booze was. I couldn't bring myself to think past the words Brittany just said, so I just watched her pour two shots.

"Are you trying to get me drunk?"

"No, but you've hardly had anything. You're not even tipsy." Brittany handed me a shot and grinned. "Drink it." I did and she downed the other shot. "So if I told you to take off all your clothes right now, would you do it?"

"No." I said biting back my smile.

"What about if I told you to kiss me? Would you do that?" Meds or no meds, I found Brittany to be incredibly sexy right now, I didn't even care that we were at a party, I wanted nothing more than her lips against mine.

"Maybe." I said trying to see if she was expecting me to make a move or not.

"Stop acting all bashful dummy." Brittany wrapped her arms around me and pushed her hands into my back pockets. It felt strange to have her tough me there, but I liked it, and I loved her. "You've got a nice butt." I leaned forward and kissed her on the lips quickly, savoring her smell and feel for that brief moment. "Can we go outside? It smells like armpits and weed in here." I nodded and we went out the back door and headed around to the front of the house.

We started walking, no certainty about where we were going, or what we were doing just walking. She reached out and took my hand, intertwining our fingers and smiling to herself. She didn't think I noticed how happy she looked. "You look sexy." I said almost surprising myself that I had the guts to say that aloud.

"Huh?"

"Your dress, it makes you look sexy." I repeated. I expected a blush, not a laugh. "Oh come on! You're laughing at me? You're so mean, goddamn."

"I'm sorry." Brittany said in between giggles. "I'm just not used to you saying that kind of stuff to me." Brittany let go of my hand and started skipping into the street. "Let go in Quinn's car." Brittany pulled the keys out of her pocket and dangled them around.

"How did you get those?" I asked her.

"Well I wasn't just feeling your butt; I was also stealing these from you." I felt like I'd been falling her around all night, and that continued, until we were side by side in the backseat of Quinn's car. Brittany was leaning over me, more like hovering, I knew she was watching me so I let her. "Are you hiding in there?" I looked over at her and scrunched up my nose in confusion.

"Huh?"

"Under that hood, are you hiding from me?" I shook my head no and Brittany tugged the hood over my eyes, grabbed on to the drawstrings, and began pulling them slowly.

"Britt, what are you doing?" I ask as she kept tugging at the drawstrings and tightening the hood around my face. I couldn't see anything at this point, but I could hear her giggling and that made me feel good inside. It got to the point were the only thing exposed were my lips so at least I could still talk. "You are insane. You covered my whole face but my lips." She laughed and climbed on top of me straddling my hips, she was closer now; I could feel her breath against my lips.

"Your lips are the only thing I want right now." I knew I wanted this, maybe I wasn't strong enough to say it, or bold enough to admit it to myself, but when Brittany kissed me this time, I knew it was all I wanted. She'd changed her favorite lotion, coconut was her knew thing, and it was almost intoxicating.

My hands rested against her thighs, caressing them lightly, I didn't know if that was the right thing until she inhaled sharply and pulled back for a second. "Everything okay?" I asked her.

"Yeah." She pulled my hood down and stared into my eyes for a second. "You know this isn't just about kissing you for me, right?"

"What is it about then?" I asked playfully.

"I dunno." Brittany said running her thumb over my bottom lip. "I guess, I just like you a lot. You're like the only person who can actually piss me off." My smile faded.

"That doesn't sound like a good thing Britt." Brittany shrugged and wrapped her arms around my neck.

"No, it is. You're the only person who can make me completely lose control, and I get a rush when that happens. I love it." There it was, something that had caught my eye the first time we kissed. Her wandering eyes, her shallow breaths, and the way she caught her bottom lip between her teeth. It never occurred to me that Brittany could be as vulnerable as I was, I never realized that neither one of us were actually in control of this.

"Britt-." She stopped me with her lips, she was slow and sensual this time, and it made me feel more confident with my hands. I moved them under her shirt, running my nails down her back as she moved her hips against mine.

"You're gonna leave marks." She said before kissing me again.

"Sorry." I mumbled moving my hands away from her.

"No, it's okay. I like it." She bit my bottom lip and grinned.

"No I meant…I'm sorry for what I'm about to do." Brittany pulled back and held my face in her hands. It was now or never, Brittany had to know. She deserved to know.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

"It's complicated." I started. "It's complicated because…I love you." Brittany slid off me and grabbed onto my hand.

"Why are you saying that like it's the last time you'll see me?" Brittany asked.

"Brittany my parents are getting a divorce." Brittany knew there was something more, so she was intent on waiting. "And my mom she's uh…leaving."

"What?! Santana! That's bullshit. Why should she go? That's not fair." Of course it wasn't fair, nothing in life was fair. "No, it isn't right."

"Brittany." I grabbed her wrist to get her attention. "She's moving to Philly, soon, by the end of the week. And I…I'm going with her." This is not something I wanted to remember, the pain, the heartbreak in her eyes, I never wanted to see it again. I didn't even want to see it now.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean…I'm leaving Lima. I'm moving to Philly with my mom." She slapped me, hard, I saw stars before I was able to focus my vision again. Brittany pulled away from me and got out of the car, it took me a few moments to follow her, but I was able to stop her. "Britt-."

"I don't want to talk to you." She said, she was reaching a hysterical level, and all I wanted to do was calm her down.

"Yes you do."

"Don't tell me what I want." She shoved me back against Quinn's car and glared at me. "Fuck you."

"You don't mean that. You're just upset." There was a lot to go through, a lot she didn't know about what was going on at home. She didn't hear the arguments, she didn't know how worthless my father made me feel. Then again, it wouldn't matter to her, she wasn't going to look past the fact that I was leaving.

"Why the hell would you tell me you loved me in there if all you were going to do was break my heart?!" Her voice was so rash and so harrowing, it didn't even sound like the girl I knew.

"I didn't mean to-."

"Of course. Of fucking course, no one goes out to break someone's heart, they just do." Brittany started walking down the road and I followed her. "Please, leave me alone. Just…fuck off Santana." She moved to the other side of the road.

"No." I said stubbornly. "I'm not going to _fuck off_." The horn behind me was loud, but none of it registered until I saw the headlights illuminating the back of Brittany's body.

I didn't even think, the reaction was natural. A car was coming straight for Brittany so I rushed over and grabbed her, yanking her back and just out of the way of the car as it sped by. Landing on my back and scrapping up my arms was not part of the plan.

It felt heroic, but also painful, and with Brittany's eyes locked on mine, I could hardly focus on anything else except the fact that I almost just lost her. That car wasn't stopping, and the only thing my body did was save her, it was the only natural thing I'd done in weeks, years, maybe my whole life. "You should've just let them hit me." Brittany said breaking the silence and climbing up to her feet.

"Yeah good idea, let some drunk idea kill the person I love." That caught her attention, she stopped and turned on her heels.

"Stop saying that." Brittany whispered.

"I can't." I walked up to her, touched her cheek with the back of my hand, and tried to fight against myself to hold back everything I wanted to tell her. "Are you okay?"

"Loaded question."

"I meant…physically, are you okay?"

"Yeah, but you aren't." She held my wrist and examined the cuts and scrapes that were marked with blood. "We'll work on the physical okay-ness right now. Emotional stuff can come later."

**Review please, only if you want and love or hate it. **

**P.s. does anyone watch Wentworth? If not you should, and if you do let's talk about it my tumblr is: bacon-lauren-tamsin. **


	17. Seeing Red

**A/N: I know it's been awhile, but luckily for you all I had a road trip back home and I was able to write this chapter today. I hope you enjoy it.**

**Song Suggestion: **_**"Pompeii" **_**by Bastille**

~ _But if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing changed at all_

_And if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like you've been here before?_ ~

Looking at her now, it felt like a dream. She was so right before, about me abandoning her, she was right for getting so angry, I deserved it all. I was only just realizing it all now, how much I'd miss her, how much I'd crave her touch. In theory it would all work out, I'd move to Philly, stay there for a few years and then come back here for college, but what if that didn't happen? What if I ended up stuck there forever? What if I never saw Brittany again?

And then there's Quinn. She didn't even know yet, at least Brittany got angry, Quinn would be a sobbing mess. That would be worse, I don't know if I wanted to hurt anyone else. I don't know if I could. Right now, I really just wanted to go home, just so I could talk to my mom again. Explain to her that she couldn't leave, _we _couldn't leave.

I couldn't stand the way Brittany was being so gentle with me right now. She was cleaning my cuts like I was a little kid, it was like she was afraid I would cry, maybe she was afraid that by the end of the night she'd be crying. I couldn't figure out which one of us was the strong one, not anymore.

"That was super weird." Brittany said out of the blue. She was holding my wrist and staring at the little scrapes on my hands.

"What was?" I asked. I just wanted her to put the stupid bandaids on, I was exhausted, and I was just about ready to take the guest bedroom and go to bed.

"The car ride. Why didn't you tell Quinn yet?" Brittany questioned. I didn't know what to say because I didn't have a real answer. The truth was I just hadn't had time to, and I didn't want to. "If you're too afraid to, I'll do it for you. You know she's not going to let you go, she'll lock you up hold you in her basement forever if she has to."

"What about you? You could tie me up here." Brittany looked down at my cuts again.

"I couldn't do that." She said regretfully.

"Why not?"

"Because…I uh...I could never hurt someone that I…" She looked at me and shook her head. "I was going to put bandaids on these but I think they might need air. Is that okay?" I nodded and Brittany tossed the alcohol pads in the trashcan. She sat back down on her bed and we sat in silence for a moment. "So are you going to pack up everything? I mean isn't your dad going to fight for custody or something?"

"I don't think he wants me." I told her. It's something I didn't want to believe, but it's something that I knew. "And yeah I'll pack mostly everything. I guess my mom will help me or something, I don't really know-."

"I should've stayed on vacation. I should have never come back, we shouldn't have…" This all felt terrible, I didn't want this right now. "What happened at Homecoming San, I need to know, right now…just tell me, because I feel like it was my fault. Was it? Was I the reason-."

"Shut up." I told her. I'd told her a million times that it wasn't her fault, that she couldn't have stopped any of it. "Where's Izzy? Should I talk to her too? She should know that I'm leaving."

"I'll talk to her too." Brittany assured me. "I'll take care of it all, but…could you do one thing for me?"

"Yeah, anything."

"Don't ever tell me that you love me again." Our eyes connected for the briefest moment, before she looked away. I sat up on the bed, and tried to grab her wrist, but she pulled away quickly.

"Britt, I can't…you know I can't do that." Her breaths were shallow, like she was going to cry but she was fighting against it.

"Well then, don't leave me." It was like an ultimatum. "Because you can't have both, you can't love me and leave me. You choose." Didn't she realize that I couldn't do this? I couldn't choose, because I didn't have a choice. If I stayed then the one person that knows the most about me would be taken away from me. I couldn't live without my mom, I couldn't live without Brittany either.

"Don't make me-."

"Then don't…" She fell silent for a moment. "Don't love me." For the first time since I was stuck in that stupid hospital all summer, I felt like grabbing a pill bottle and downing it all. It felt like the only way out, but I couldn't do that, I was barely holding on. But I was holding on.

"I'm gonna go." Brittany waited until I was at her door, and then she jumped up and grabbed onto my arm. "Brittany let me go." She wrapped her arms around my neck.

"I can't." She whispered. "Can't you see that? Don't you know that I can't let you go?"

+0+

School hit me like a brick. I wasn't prepared for all the looks, again. I wondered when they'd forget about it, maybe they wouldn't forget until I was gone. Brittany and I were still sort of on ice, both of us realized that our time was short together, so we decided not to argue, and not to get angry. That'd be useless in a few days, we'd both probably try and hurt each other so we wouldn't hurt as much inside. Right now, the big issue was Marley, which seemed so trivial, but she'd been staring at me non-stop, and it was getting harder and harder to ignore her.

"Santana?" I turned and saw Rachel approaching. At least she'd be a nice distraction until Quinn and Brittany got out of class.

"Hey Rachel." She looked around for a second before she gave me a smile. "Something the matter?"

"No, I...this sounds dumb, but some guys are kind of giving me a hard time, and I was wondering if I could eat lunch with you." Too late, Marley came walking over. She leaned against my locker and wrapped her arm around my shoulder. "Marley stop-."

"Stop what? I'm not doing anything. Just hanging out with my friend Santana." Marley said. I tried to shrug her off, but she gripped me tighter. "What's wrong? I mean I didn't think you'd actually quit your job because of me. It was barely a kiss, Santana, there wasn't even tongue involved."

"Marley, leave her alone." Rachel warned.

"Rachel, run along, leave us alone." Marley said as she lightly pushed Rachel back. "And besides I never go to apologize to you Santana."

"Apologize for what? For being a bitch?" I could see Brittany and Quinn approaching from down the hall. They were too far away to here or interfere, but I could see the concern on Brittany's face as soon as she saw Marley.

"For this." She ran her thumb over the slowly fading cut on my face. "Sometimes I can't keep my mouth shut." I didn't know what the hell she was talking about, not until I ran through the events of Homecoming night. Not until I remembered what those guys said to me, before they started hitting me. I pulled away from Marley and pushed her backwards, I didn't even feel like myself, I felt like if someone didn't stop me I'd kill her.

Luckily Quinn was there, she grabbed onto me and prevented me from hitting Marley, and everything was falling into place. Now I understood what happened. Now I knew. I couldn't keep my eyes off Marley, that stupid smug look on her face is what pissed me off the most. She knew what she did, and she wasn't really sorry.

When Brittany grabbed me and pulled me into that empty room, I felt sick. It was the moment when I realized that not all monsters were in my head, Marley was a monster, and she was all flesh and bones. Monsters were as real as my hands in front of me. I needed to go home, to leave right now. "Santana, what'd she say to you? What'd she do?" My breathing became uneven, I was starting to feel lightheaded, and the only thing I saw in sight was the garbage can in the corner.

I ran for it, and emptied the contents of my breakfast into the can. I coughed until Brittany wrapped her arms around me and held me until I stopped. "San, honey, what's wrong?" A month ago, if Brittany had called me _honey_ I would've been the happiest person right now, I couldn't feel anything except Marley's words. "What did she do? I will kick Marley's fucking ass, just say the word."

"It was her." I told Brittany, before looking into her eyes and repeating it. "It was her." Brittany didn't understand, but I didn't have time to explain, Quinn came rushing in just at that moment.

"Santana, what the hell?" Quinn asked. "Pillsbury is looking for you, she wants to know why you went friggin ape out there." Quinn couldn't say much else, Ms. Pillsbury walked into the room and told me to follow her. I got up to my feet and followed her, leaving Brittany and Quinn in the room.

Everyone had cleared the halls, all I could here was Ms. Pillsbury's heels _clacking_ against the floor. We went into her office and she closed the door behind us. I didn't sit down and neither did she, but she did stand behind her desk. "Santana, what happened out there? That's not you-."

"You don't know me." I said quickly. "I don't even know me." I said that with a sense of regret, but it was all regret. I'd do anything to understand myself, I'd kill to have a true identity.

"Is Marley giving you a hard time?"

"No." I lied. "Everything's fine."

"It's not fine, you're a great kid, a wonderful student. I know you wouldn't start an argument or push someone for nothing." She seemed so sure of herself right now. I didn't really want to talk about it, what did it matter anyway?

"Look whatever's between us, Marley and I, it doesn't matter. I was seeing red, it's over now. I'm leaving." I told her.

"Leaving? Running away-."

"No, my mom and I are moving to Philly, this week. I'm out of here, so like I said it doesn't matter." I explained.

"Do you think your behavior today has to do with the fact that you're moving so soon and you're not ready?" I didn't want to hear this.

"I'm so fucking tired of hearing stuff like that! I can't…I've had enough of people saying things like that to me." I thought she'd freak out or something, I figured she'd call security in a heartbeat, but she didn't.

"I'm sorry, I don't want to sound like those other doctors, I don't want to be like those doctors at the institution."

"Of course you know about that." I turned away from her and looked out the glass windows. All I could see was Brittany sitting in the hallway with her lunch, sitting next to Rachel. I wanted to be out there, with them, not in here. "I felt trapped, all the time when I was there. They wouldn't fucking let me leave, I thought I would be there forever. Do you have any idea what that feels like?"

"No, I don't."

"And the worst part was I didn't even know why I was there. I remember parts, but not all of it." That shocked her, it shocked me too, I had no idea why I was telling her all of this. I stared at Brittany, she pushed a strand of hair back behind her ear and took a bite of her apple. "I thought I was never going to see the people I loved ever again."

"But you survived." I turned around and faced Ms. Pillsbury again. "That takes a lot of heart."

"It took everything I had." I told her. "I'm going to miss lunch if I don't go out there, can I…?" That loosely translated to, I needed time with Brittany, I needed every second. "I promise I won't get into any fights in the next three days." Ms. Pillsbury gave me a smile before letting me leave. I walked out of her office and Brittany was already walking over towards me before I could even sit down beside them.

"What'd she say? Are you in trouble?"

"No…I'm not in trouble." I assured Brittany. "I'm sorry for worrying you."

"Well…" Brittany looked over at Rachel before turning back to me. "Don't do it again." Brittany grabbed my hand and we sat down on the ground next to Rachel. "I saved you half of my sandwich." I took a bite of the pb&j sandwich, thankful that Brittany had been thinking of me. "I wish Quinn hadn't grabbed you, if you'd punched Marley that would've made my day."

"Mine too." Rachel said with a smile.

"Yeah well sorry to disappoint. I don't like hurting people." Brittany stopped eating her bag of chips and looked at me. "But sometimes I can't avoid it."

"I'm gonna put up our tray, in case I get lost in the rush, meet me after school, okay?" I nodded. Brittany leaned over and kissed me quickly on the lips, before getting up and walking back into the cafeteria. I was dumbstruck, I was shocked that she'd kissed me in front of Rachel, let alone kissed me at all. In the moment, it felt good, in the long run it would hurt, every time we'd kissed from now on would feel like our last.

"Are you guys dating?"

"We don't have enough time to date, we're running out of time." I explained.

"Why? What do you mean?"

"What I mean is that I'm making the biggest mistake of my life." Rachel didn't ask any more questions after that. I think that it was fitting to just leave it at that, there wasn't enough time to say much else.

**A/N:Reviews? Yes. No. Maybe so?**

**P.s. If someone gets the title reference of this chapter, then we can be best friends forever.**


	18. She Doesn't Know

**So it has been a while since I last updated, college has kind of been taking care of my life, but the next chapter is finally here. Thank you for the support with this fic, brittana fans are wonderful thanks for showing me some love. **

**Song Suggestion "**_**Hero" **_**by Family of the Year**

_~So let me go_

_I don't want to be your hero_

_I don't want to be a big man_

_Just wanna fight like everyone else~_

There were a thousand ways that this could turn out wrong and only one way to make it right. I haven't always understood what goes on in my head, that's obvious, but I have always known that I'm a weak person. I guess that's why it took me so long to get Quinn here, to tell her everything. Brittany was here too, that wasn't negotiable, she told me she wasn't leaving me to face Quinn alone and she wanted to continue laying in my bed.

"What am I doing here? I was in the middle of writing my English paper and you text me like you're about to fucking die or something and now you won't even say anything to me?" This is what I wanted to avoid. The anger, Quinn always did this, she was an all or nothing girl, there was no in between. Even though I was happy that Brittany was here, I knew somehow that would make it worse, someone was going to walk out of this room hurt that was a fact. "San what is it? Jesus, do you have cancer or something?" I looked up at her and opened my mouth but Quinn was already looking to Brittany. "Does she have cancer?"

"I don't…Quinn I'm fine, perfectly healthy." I assured her.

"Well besides the pills, I mean that's not a _perfect_ bill of health." Quinn was so damn nonchalant that I wanted to just snap at her. I could, and I would, but I was still stuck on just saying what I needed to say and then being done with it all.

"The pills don't fucking matter okay." That caught their attention, I could even see that Brittany had perked up on the bed. "I…Quinn, you're here because I need to talk to you about my parents." I glanced over at Brittany, she held my gaze for a moment before looking down.

"What about them? That they're making you feel like shit because your dad blames you for the destruction of his marriage, or that your mom's manipulating you into picking her side?" I took a deep breath. Where the hell did Quinn get off with saying something like that?

"That's bullshit, my mom isn't-."

"Does Fran know?" Quinn snapped suddenly. She was already reaching into her back pocket and dialing her number. "Does Fran know what you're about to tell me?" She held the phone to her ear.

"Quinn sit the fuck down and calm the fuck down, Jesus you're acting crazy." I told her. I could tell that Fran must have picked up the phone because Quinn seemed to be paying attention to something other than my voice.

"Does Brittany know?" Quinn paused, looking over at Brittany who looked like she wanted to get out of there as soon as possible now. "Of course Brittany knows. Of course you'd tell her everything and make fucking sure that you don't open up to me about shit." Quinn hung up her phone and dropped it on the ground, at first I thought she was going to stomp on it, but instead she just stared at me with pleading eyes.

"Quinn I'm leaving tomorrow." The words didn't register, if they had Quinn would have completely gone mad, but right now she was waiting for me to explain what the hell I was talking about. "My parents are getting a divorce, my dad's living here, and my mom and I are moving to Philly…tomorrow." Brittany stood up and tried to reach out to Quinn but Quinn jolted away from her.

"Quinn calm down-."

"If one of you tells me to calm down one more fucking time I'm going to kill you. I'm not calming down, and Brittany if I were you I'd get the hell out of here because I'm pissed and I don't know what I'm going to say." Quinn was going to blow up, here it was, exactly what I expected.

"I'm not leaving-." Brittany started.

"B, you should maybe listen to her." Brittany slid past Quinn and walked out the door, closing it behind her. I didn't move until I heard footsteps going downstairs and towards the kitchen, I didn't say anything until I heard the TV come on. "Quinn I'm sorry that you had to hear that like this, but I didn't have a choice. I couldn't just leave, but I didn't know how to tell you."

"Let me guess Brittany knew about this first?" There was no use in lying, Quinn would figure it out anyway, so I just nodded. "You tell her everything, you spend all your free time together, in the past week you have hardly even moved from her side. And it's all a pile of bullshit and you fucking know it. If Brittany knew the truth she'd hate your guts, if she knew that you thought she was a dumb bitch when you first met her-."

"Quinn you're angry, and you don't know what you're saying. You are my best friend, and I don't want either of us to say anything to hurt one another." Quinn's voice kept getting lower, her rage was building up and I couldn't take it.

"If you're leaving then it doesn't matter, right? I mean you waited until the last minute so we wouldn't be able to have an actual conversation about it, because guess what, you care more about Brittany than you do about me. In fact, you love her, you are in love with Brittany. All that bullshit about us being friends, it was all an act so you could fuck Brittany-."

"Quinn I swear to God, if you say something else like that again…" I couldn't finish it, I could hardly breathe. No amount of pills could calm either one of us down, not now.

"I get it now. You love Brittany, but you needed me there so it would look like we were all best friends. I trusted you, but you never trusted me which was why you tell Brittany everything. It's why she probably fucking knew about that psychiatric institution you were in this summer." I grabbed both of Quinn's wrists, holding her there, making sure that she couldn't move an inch, it felt like my entire word was crashing down. My heart began racing. I started sweating. My mind went blank and all I could manage to say was:

"What?"

"Yeah I know, surprising huh? Crazy that I knew something so secretive about you because I wanted to protect you, and I have been trying to protect you, but I guess all you needed was Brittany. And I feel ashamed for saying all those things to you, but I thought that maybe things were weird between us or something, I didn't realize you were leaving me forever." I let go of Quinn's wrists and looked down at my feet. "And I didn't mean any of it, I just wanted you to feel as shitty as I feel right now."

"How did you find out about that?" I asked her.

"I didn't, not technically at least. Fran and your mom talked about it after Homecoming and I overheard. I still don't know why you were there, but it sucks that you were and you felt like you couldn't tell me about it." Quinn crossed her arms over her chest and shook her head.

"Brittany doesn't know." I whispered.

"Why not? Don't you love her?" That was the second time Quinn had said that, but it only registered right now.

"I didn't tell her because I love her, I didn't tell you for the same reason." Quinn uncrossed her arms and sat down on my bed. I followed suit. "I want to run away, but I don't know how to run."

"I've felt like that before." Quinn said quietly.

"I'm leaving tomorrow." I said suddenly. "So I guess I kinda am running away."

"How brave of you." Quinn joked. "How very…brave."

"Don't tell Brittany." I said as I pulled my legs up on the bed and crossed them. "You can't tell her, she can't know what happened."

"What did happen?" So Quinn didn't know the whole story, that was a relief, but a part of me hoped she did. A part of me needed Quinn to explain everything.

"I don't know. I remember waking up in the hospital and then…waking up in an institution. I know that I was there I just don't know why. I can tell that my parents know, but they won't tell me, or can't…maybe it's for the best."

"I think I know why…I mean it was so sudden, it was so…don't you remember? You must remember part of it. You have to." I didn't know what Quinn was talking about, but it felt weird to actually be talking about my summer with someone other than my parents. "Britt and I aren't supposed to mention it, I guess that's what we're supposed to do."

"I'm sorry." I wanted her to take the apology in any way she deemed fit.

"Did you mean that?" Quinn asked.

"Mean what?" I questioned.

"That you love me like you love Brittany, because…you shouldn't have said that, not if you don't mean it." I looked out the window, thinking about everything that had happened so far this year. Too much had happened, there were so many lies and not nearly enough truths, it was awful. "Because you love me like a friend and you're in love with Brittany. Funny, don't you think that would mean something?"

"What? It does mean something-."

"No I mean you love us both in different ways but you're still leaving us." Quinn didn't say anything after that, not for a while at least. It took about five minutes for her to hug me, and five more minutes for her to let me go.

"Will you take care of her?" I asked Quinn. "Brittany I mean."

"No, I can't…who-…" Quinn began tearing up right in that moment. "Who's going to take care of me?" That's the moment it hit me; that we were all vulnerable, we all had been hurt, we all cried. What could I say to her? How could I protect her from so far away? "I have to go." Quinn wiped her eyes and fixed her hair. "You can say goodbye to me tomorrow, but I think you need time with B." Quinn started heading for the door. "Your parents suck."

"I know."

"Like really bad." Quinn opened my door and left. I figured she'd tell Brittany to come upstairs and within two minutes Brittany was sitting on my bed next to me. She'd closed the door before she walked in, but none of it registered to me right now.

"Aren't you going to pack more stuff?" Brittany asked. She was right, I barely had half of my clothes packed, boxes were sprawled out with little to nothing in them. Brittany stood up and started opening my drawers and pulling out clothes.

"What are you doing?" I asked her. She began stuffing boxes with clothes, putting in trinkets and jewelry and anything else she could find. "Britt." She didn't turn around she didn't even acknowledge that I'd said anything. I got up and grabbed Brittany's arm to try and calm her down. "Britt." She wrapped her arms around me, moving me back until we both fell onto the bed.

I didn't realize we were kissing until Brittany bit down on my lip, her hand was under my shirt before I knew it, and her shirt was off right after that. I wasn't even touching her, she was moving so fast. I didn't know what to do, or what to say so I just-

"Stop." I told her. She didn't, she was pulling off my belt already, I didn't know how to stop her so I just said it again, "Stop." This wasn't right. "No, Britt we can't…" I pressed my hand against her stomach, pushing her back enough that we could both actually breathe. "Not here, not like this."

"You're leaving me, you have to know that I love you." I kissed both of Brittany's hands and wrapped my arms around her.

"I know you do." I whispered in her ear. "But we have to…do this right now. It's…I'm not ready and neither are you."

"Will I see you again? Will you fall for someone else in Philly?" Brittany asked.

"Yes you'll see me, it's not that far away, I'll make visits we can Skype every night. And I'll love you with every breath that I take." I assured her.

"And what about your promise?" Brittany asked me.

"What promise?"

"The one about the stars, will you count them every night?" Brittany questioned.

"Of course."

"We can count them together." Brittany said with a small smile. "Tell me you love me, I just like hearing you say it."

"I love you." I told her.

"I love you too."

**I'll try and get the next chapter up sooner than the last time, but life is very unpredictable so thanks for sticking with me. **


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